Didn't have a chance to write up a detailed post, either on a fruit or the topic I was originally thinking about. I think they're neat and they taste good.
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went to the gym yesterday and had a good workout all things considered given I hadn't been regularly in awhile recovering from my hand injuries and was feeling pretty good and saw some friendly regulars I hadn't seen in awhile
dysphoria
looked in the mirror before I left and that was a bad ideahate how large I am and how... idk what to call it. Frumpy? Blocky? My silhouette is
I'm not like a super tall or bulky muscly type but ugh
I wish I was more slender in my frame and shorter
I wish I could be described as "elegant" and that's pretty far from the actual truth of my appearance
My face is kinda femme and I have kinda feminine legs and hips but I hate my fat distribution and it's like I'm a big work truck with a girly paint job and the women I wanna look more like are like sleek little sports cars or something
Physically I've felt just too big lately and have been bumping into shit accidentally a lot lately and it sucks
My voice and dealing with my hair and body hair and everything have gotten worse and I've felt a lot worse bottom dysphoria than I usually do and bleh
I've known I'm not cis for a long time at this point but keep beating myself up mentally like "why can't I just be a queer cis guy, it'd be so much easier than dealing with how far away my body is now from where I'd like it to be"
ugh
spoiler
I actually had someone describe me as very elegant last week. Still feel almost the same as you. The grass definitely isn’t greener here.Edit: I think I should elaborate about this a bit more, because your comment really resonated with my current feelings:
When she told me this, I was pretty shocked to hear that, because I would never in a million years describe myself as that. But it made me think about my self-perception again. Maybe dysphoria is just warping the way I see myself? Maybe I’m just more sensitive to those things? Or maybe I am actually elegant?
The same thing happened when I had to go back to using my old voice due to developing bad habits a month ago. Granted, I’ve never had a deep voice, but it still is very different than my fem one. Yet when I changed it back, noone noticed anything. I directly asked my mom about that, but she also assured me that she didn’t notice any change.
Both of those incidences have been fucking with my head so bad lately. Like, why do I feel so miserable about myself, when others can clearly see me as the woman I am? Why can’t dysphoria let me see the same things they see?
shit sucks lol
I'm perpetually baffled that most people never have to feel like this about themselves
Like imagining being cis is so alien to me at this point when I spend most of my time feeling weird about myself
Yeah, I can only imagine how being an enby is adding to this mess.
spoiler
Me too comrade