this post was submitted on 11 Feb 2026
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i mean conversations are usually devoid of references, which is why i think it sticks out so much. if i'm in a reference-heavy conversation i'm most likely talking to them about a niche topic where knowledge of references, and therefore the basis of those references, is assumed. maybe i'm subconsciously judging them as "not in the know"?
this is obviously stream-of-conscience, but... am i mentally gatekeeping people?
It looks to me like you're trying to do the opposite — looking for common grounds to keep the conversation going. And one of the ways to do so is through references.
perhaps, but it does feel like empty words in that case. that may be why people don't reciprocate.
That confirms you aren't really gatekeeping anyone. That "empty words" feeling is the one associated with phatic speech: expressions like hi/bye, small talk, stuff like this. People don't use them for their content, just to keep the communication channel open.
People not reciprocating it signals they don't receive it as phatic speech, though. (Or lack the interest to keep the channel open at that moment.) I feel like small questions are better for this, than to draw from common references; from stuff like "how was your day?", pseudo-advice (e.g. asking suggestions for lunch, even if you already know what to prepare), so goes on.
well they do reciprocate in that they respond, but the conversation is not furthered which is what bothers me. it's like asking what someone's working on and them answering "stuff".