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i just realised i might have an instinctive need to "yes, and". (feddit.nu)

submitted 1 day ago by lime@feddit.nu to c/casualconversation@piefed.social

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i think i compulsively "remix" things. not in a musical sense, but in a conversational one. it doesn't feel to me like it's enough to just react: if i send a meme to a friend, they will usually respond with an emoji, but when they send something to me i feel this... pull to continue the conversation. the original joke is not enough, it needs to be riffed on. if i can't think of a witty comment for the thing, i often do not respond at all until i've thought of something.

what's more, when i meet someone in real life whose response to a thing is just confirming the meme/reference out loud, i get annoyed. i'm fine with it in text form (it's always fun to imagine someone chuckling looking at their phone), but when i make an allusion to a reference and someone goes "ah, " i feel like the conversation has just stalled. it makes me feel like i'm in the big bang theory and i have to pause for the laugh track. for some reason band kids do this a lot, don't ask me why.

is this... weird? i feel like it's weird.

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[–] lvxferre@mander.xyz 3 points 1 day ago (1 children)

this is obviously stream-of-conscience, but… am i mentally gatekeeping people?

It looks to me like you're trying to do the opposite — looking for common grounds to keep the conversation going. And one of the ways to do so is through references.

[–] lime@feddit.nu 2 points 1 day ago (1 children)

perhaps, but it does feel like empty words in that case. that may be why people don't reciprocate.

[–] lvxferre@mander.xyz 2 points 23 hours ago (1 children)

it does feel like empty words in that case

That confirms you aren't really gatekeeping anyone. That "empty words" feeling is the one associated with phatic speech: expressions like hi/bye, small talk, stuff like this. People don't use them for their content, just to keep the communication channel open.

People not reciprocating it signals they don't receive it as phatic speech, though. (Or lack the interest to keep the channel open at that moment.) I feel like small questions are better for this, than to draw from common references; from stuff like "how was your day?", pseudo-advice (e.g. asking suggestions for lunch, even if you already know what to prepare), so goes on.

[–] lime@feddit.nu 2 points 21 hours ago

well they do reciprocate in that they respond, but the conversation is not furthered which is what bothers me. it's like asking what someone's working on and them answering "stuff".