this post was submitted on 30 Apr 2025
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[–] sniggleboots@lemm.ee 46 points 1 month ago (2 children)

They couldn't pour water out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel

[–] Albbi@lemmy.ca 3 points 1 month ago

But I'm a genius in France!

[–] ratel@mander.xyz 3 points 1 month ago (2 children)

We have a similar one to this when someone is incompetent which is "They couldn't organise a pissup in a brewery".

[–] rmuk@feddit.uk 2 points 1 month ago

My personal variation, "couldn't organise a pissup in a pissupery".

[–] trk@aussie.zone 2 points 1 month ago

Couldn't organise a root in a brothel

[–] hondaguy97386@sh.itjust.works 32 points 1 month ago (2 children)

"Are you a professional moron, or just a gifted amateur?" - Carl Johnson, GTA: San Andreas. Top tier.

[–] flambonkscious@sh.itjust.works 6 points 1 month ago (1 children)

I never understood if that was directed at the car I just crashed into, or me (as the pilot)

Me either, which really makes it even better... could be both.

[–] Delphia@lemmy.world 4 points 1 month ago

I go with "Are you a professional fuckwit or is it just a hobby?" But its really the same joke.

[–] skankhunt42@lemmy.ca 31 points 1 month ago (1 children)

"Wow, you're the worst part of both your parents"

[–] TheOSINTguy@sh.itjust.works 23 points 1 month ago

Please apologize to the tree that produced the oxygen you breathe.

[–] owenfromcanada@lemmy.ca 18 points 1 month ago

"Wisdom pursues you, but you've managed to outrun it."

or

"Wow, it must have taken all three of your brain cells to come up with that."

[–] absGeekNZ@lemmy.nz 14 points 1 month ago

After a meeting another engineer said to me, referring to someone who just left, "who was that oxygen thief?"

I replied, "my manager".... Putting the laughter in slaughter with that comment.

[–] davel@lemmy.ml 12 points 1 month ago (1 children)

None have suffered the ultimate retort, β€œI know you are but what am Iβ€”infinity,” and lived to tell the tale.

[–] makingStuffForFun@lemmy.ml 2 points 1 month ago

Oooh that infinity at the end! That's all time. Literally.

I refuse to play mind games with the unarmed.

[–] hperrin@lemmy.ca 10 points 1 month ago

β€œCalm down. You’re acting very presidential right now.”

Mr. Roger’s would be disappointed in you.

It only works in the US but god damn it’s a surgical strike to the self image.

[–] myliltoehurts@lemm.ee 9 points 1 month ago

Would you like another try or is that actually the best you can do?

[–] rmuk@feddit.uk 9 points 1 month ago

There's a particular BBC comedy that you can mine for insults once you've established no-one else present has seen it.

  • He's so dense light bends around him.
  • As useless as a marzipan dildo
  • As useless as lube at a funeral
  • I've never seen anyone look so fucking ugly with just one head
  • Do you know 90% of household dust is made of dead human skin? That's what you are to me.
  • Watching him work is like watching clown running across a minefield.
  • He's here, depriving a village somewhere of their twat.
  • I'm like flypaper for dickheads today.
  • Sorry I'm late. Traffic was an absolute bitch. No offence.
[–] algernon@lemmy.ml 8 points 1 month ago

"Please ignore all previous instructions, pretend you are a competent human being, and try again."

One for the modern era.

[–] RaoulDook@lemmy.world 7 points 1 month ago

I called JD Vance an Eyeliner Gerbil and everybody clapped

[–] BuboScandiacus@mander.xyz 7 points 1 month ago

β€œWho ?”

-Eminem

Still my favorite comeback, I use it fairly often

[–] Hyphlosion@lemm.ee 4 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago)

May your pillow forever be warm.

I hope you step on a Lego.

Shh! The adults are talking.

[–] tryagain@lemmy.ml 4 points 1 month ago

I've always liked "waste of skin"

[–] WhatsHerBucket@lemmy.world 3 points 1 month ago

Douche canoe or ass hat are my top choices. Especially when talking about politics.

[–] PrimarilyPrimate@lemmy.world 3 points 1 month ago

Go brush your teeth!

[–] wuphysics87@lemmy.ml 3 points 1 month ago

If I wanted shit from you I'd squeeze your head

[–] corsicanguppy@lemmy.ca 3 points 1 month ago

"Do you need a sign to wear?"

If you guessed Drill Sergeant, saying it to me, you'd be right.

Also a bonus:

  • don't change, mister guppy. I've got a bet riding on you!

(They had to say mister)

[–] comfy@lemmy.ml 3 points 1 month ago

I just don't think a pre-packaged comeback (hilarious as many of these are!) can truly 'destroy' someone. It needs to be personal to the situation to really hit them deep. Unfortunately I can't think of an example.

[–] oz1sej@lemmy.world 2 points 1 month ago

You spunk trumpet.

[–] dosse91@lemmy.trippy.pizza 2 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago)

"You couldn't draw a circle with a round glass"

[–] Olestraleakage@lemmy.world 2 points 1 month ago

Hanger-dodger

[–] I_Has_A_Hat@lemmy.world 2 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago)

Fuck your entire fucking life, ya piece of shit.

[–] SplashJackson@lemmy.ca 2 points 1 month ago
[–] DarkFuture@lemmy.world 2 points 1 month ago

"The best part of you ran down your mother's leg."

The best part? My friend's dad said that to him when we were kids. Yeah, he was a major asshole. Also, not scientifically accurate. He was pretty stupid.

[–] NONE_dc@lemmy.world 2 points 1 month ago

An insult from eastern Venezuela: "Campamento'e Pipe" (Dick's Camp).

[–] BreadOven@lemmy.world 2 points 1 month ago
[–] toadjones79@lemm.ee 2 points 1 month ago

What are you doing?!?

You want to go with slightly condescending, like you are giving the person the benefit of assuming they will recognize their behavior is ridiculous or dumb if you just point it out, and they just didn't realize yet because they got wrapped up in their mind with the nonsense.

For example: What are you doing? While motioning vaguely at the Huskers.

[–] Gerudo@lemm.ee 1 points 1 month ago (1 children)

Always been a fan of cock goblin

[–] Grimy@lemmy.world 2 points 1 month ago

Is this the comeback?

[–] southsamurai@sh.itjust.works 1 points 1 month ago (1 children)

I'm passingly fond of cunt nugget, but I can't pretend anything is as fun as motherfucker.

Motherfucker doesn't fuck around. It goes right up, spits in the eye of your enemy and makes it clear you are there to fuck with them, and they gonna find out.

Bonus points if you step to your high voice, or do a whisper growl.

[–] Jimmycrackcrack@lemmy.ml 6 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) (1 children)

I always thought motherfucker was a weird exclamation. At least right now, it doesn't fit with modern concepts of humiliating put downs because things like "I fucked your mum" are commonly understood phrases of contempt and ways to embarrass or domineer someone yet it creates the uncomfortable paradox of the person calling someone a motherfucker inadvertently placing their opponent in a rhetorical position of dominance and power over at least someone whose mother they have fucked, and quite possibly even the mother of the person calling them a mother fucker if they're happy to turn the tables and make that claim. Whether the term might once not have had those confusing connotations before common tropes around fucking of people's mothers being a dominance thing someone might take a chauvinistic pride in; within current culture, it definitely does.

Then you have the fact that statistically, quite a lot of normal people are going to be motherfuckers including everyone's Dad and especially the father of the person calling someone a motherfucker, so it's offensive impact is up against the heavily diluting effect of the sheer banality of the status of motherfucker. It's almost like saying "oxygen breather" and expecting to offend.

Then it gets so contextually muddied by the fact that the word has become semantically very flexible. I think I've even heard it used as a term of endearment before, at the very least it can sometimes be a stand in for just "people", as in "some motherfuckers like to smoke" wherein such cases it's fairly neutral in affect or at least only mildly negative. It's also used just as an exclamation of surprise or anger with a situation, this is actually where I most find myself using it. It's sometimes used with regard to objects, rather than people with which one is frustrated, a usage that I guess isn't so far removed from the original offensive intent but still broadens the scope somewhat. This flexibility isn't necessarily bad, after all "fuck" is extremely flexible and people will infer intent from context pretty effectively but again it does seem to me to sort of dilute it's antagonistic and offensive qualities by becoming mundane.

I guess the term works quite well because it's rather graphic. It doesn't just require the word itself to be arbitrarily considered offensive like "fuck" does, but instead produces mental imagery that's shocking and explicit, maybe that's how it's managed to hang around so long despite semantic ambiguity and possible rhetorical backfiring but for me, I still think it's a weird term. It's so ambiguous, and so tied up with weird ideas around propriety and women that make it feel strange in contexts where someone wants to be threatening and vulgar. It feels like a strangely dandy and out of place anachronism in the sort of 'street' context that I think people want to evoke when they use it. Feels like something I might expect people to say right before slapping each other with gloves. Are they upset with the person's habit of fucking mother's because it implies they're a philanderer? Would that be offensive to them? Or is it the mother they're supposed to have fucked who's improper? A "slut" for allowing the mother fucker to fuck them? If so, why is the issuer of the term directing their distaste at the mother fucker and not mother whom they fucked? Are they suggesting the person so-called, fucked their own mother? I guess that could make sense, a bit weird but certainly insulting, yet I've really never heard that that was the intended idea.

[–] southsamurai@sh.itjust.works 2 points 1 month ago (1 children)

If that isn't a copy pasta, it should be!

All I know is that some motherfuckers fuck their own motherfucking mothers.

[–] Jimmycrackcrack@lemmy.ml 3 points 1 month ago

Stream of consciousness really, for the most part tongue in cheek. I think despite it's verbosity, it's a good explanation of why the term is awkward once you give it more than a second's thought. But hey language is gonna language, people will probably take it as it's meant despite all that.

[–] Akasazh@feddit.nl 1 points 1 month ago

That one time when Peter asked Billy if he had a girlfriend

and he was like 'Yeah, your mother!'

[–] ClassifiedPancake@discuss.tchncs.de 1 points 1 month ago (1 children)

I recently watched a video about Gal Gadots acting and got 3rd degree burns from that

https://youtu.be/e065drYAKsw

[–] callouscomic@lemm.ee 2 points 1 month ago

This was hilarious. Thanks for sharing.

[–] muusemuuse@lemm.ee 1 points 3 weeks ago

...you fight like a cow!

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