this post was submitted on 02 Feb 2026
393 points (99.0% liked)

Not The Onion

20484 readers
943 users here now

Welcome

We're not The Onion! Not affiliated with them in any way! Not operated by them in any way! All the news here is real!

The Rules

Posts must be:

  1. Links to news stories from...
  2. ...credible sources, with...
  3. ...their original headlines, that...
  4. ...would make people who see the headline think, “That has got to be a story from The Onion, America’s Finest News Source.”

Please also avoid duplicates.

Comments and post content must abide by the server rules for Lemmy.world and generally abstain from trollish, bigoted, or otherwise disruptive behavior that makes this community less fun for everyone.

And that’s basically it!

founded 2 years ago
MODERATORS
top 50 comments
sorted by: hot top controversial new old
[–] Skullgrid@lemmy.world 92 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago)

Kotick Appears In The Epstein Files Over 300 Times

surprising no one. fucking bastard

EDIT : OH FOR FUCKS SAKE THE GREASY PIG

This isn't the only appearance of Kotick in the files either. If you search for his surname on the DOJ website, there are over 300 results, and he appeared to be close enough to Epstein that he was even invited to his island in 2012.

"Very nice of you to offer," Kotick responded. "I don't think it is going to work with the schedule. It was fun being with you and your team of experts."

You'd think we'd catch this fucking rat bastard literally with his pants down in the fucking epstein files, but he was LITERALLY only in it because he's a grubby money hungry goblin?!

EDIT2 : Gottem

However, when Epstein mentioned in a 2013 email that he and "the girls" would be seeing Elon Musk at SpaceX, and that he would be "taking [the] girls after to Bel Air", Kotick responded, "Let me know what time."

[–] UnspecificGravity@piefed.social 76 points 2 weeks ago

I think the lesson here is that the billionaire club is pretty small and EXCLUSIVELY filled with human pieces of shit, which probably isn't a surprise to anyone.

Imagine waking up 10 million dollars and not being able to think of anything better to do than try to make 100 times more than that. Normal humans stopped making money LONG before they get to this point.

[–] dhork@lemmy.world 56 points 2 weeks ago (3 children)

Next we'll hear that Jeffrey Epstein was personally responsible for the Fyre Festival

[–] betterdeadthanreddit@lemmy.world 40 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

Jeffrey Epstein convinced Fox to cancel Firefly.

[–] Zoomboingding@lemmy.world 36 points 2 weeks ago (3 children)

Epstein wrote the final season of Game of Thrones

[–] Viking_Hippie@lemmy.dbzer0.com 12 points 2 weeks ago

Epstein wrote the Kendall Jenner Pepsi commercial

[–] Solumbran@lemmy.world 6 points 2 weeks ago

Yeah and totally not the beginning with the romanticised rape scenes of a kid.

[–] justsquigglez@leminal.space 5 points 2 weeks ago

And the final season of How I Met Your Mother.

(I have unbridled hatred for that season.)

[–] ilinamorato@lemmy.world 18 points 2 weeks ago (4 children)

He's going to be a byword for "an unfathomably evil guy" soon, if he isn't already. I would've thought "Trump" would be the 21st Century's version of "Hitler," but it honestly might turn out to be "Epstein."

Ah, there's room enough in the lexicon for both. All three, even.

[–] Skullgrid@lemmy.world 9 points 2 weeks ago (2 children)

He’s going to be a byword for “an unfathomably evil guy” soon, if he isn’t already. I would’ve thought “Trump” would be the 21st Century’s version of “Hitler,” but it honestly might turn out to be “Epstein.”

there's plenty of Nazis to pick for to draw parallels, Goebbels, Mengele, etc.

[–] BarneyPiccolo@lemmy.today 5 points 2 weeks ago

Don't forget Stephen "PeeWee Himmler" Miller.

[–] ilinamorato@lemmy.world 3 points 2 weeks ago

Fair point. "Epstein" and "Eichmann" even start with the same letter and have the same number of syllables.

[–] hector@lemmy.today 5 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

The president is even more of a piece of shit than epstein measured by character and perhaps by the arithmetic of the sum of harm caused. Epstein himself said the president had no redeeming qualities talking to that virgin islands representative in the house (observer status, no vote, he had major properties and monies there.)

[–] ilinamorato@lemmy.world 2 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

By volume of harm, yes. But by character? I'm not so sure. Trump does whatever he wants, and doesn't realize that what he does is awful. He often has to be reminded to hide his crimes. But Epstein knew that what he was doing made him one of the worst people to have ever existed, and did it anyway; even hiding it all away on an island to keep it under wraps. His was a calculated evil. Trump is just a selfish agent of chaos by comparison.

I guess what I'm saying is that Trump doesn't seem smart enough to have character as bad as Epstein did.

[–] hector@lemmy.today 2 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

Yeah that's true maybe, also a lot of the harm from the now president is due to his being blackmailed by epstein, their wonderful secrets are rather widely known now.

Yeah there are perhaps people worse if a true accounting was done, in volume of harm. Putin I think even with our knowlege deserves the lion's share. It's because of him the president got in. Now I know the establishment democrats, whom I hate, use that as an excuse for losing to the biggest asshole in the country, but Putin did really help get him over the finish line, and worked on all western countries with the best fascist option they have. And now the US is in on helping subvert western democracy.

So I would put him at least above the president in total harm. In character there are those worse as well, netanyahu and his faction, all sorts of business and religious leaders. The president is about himself, and he's off his rocker. He is being led around by the hand by the party now. But he still is, and always was, one of the worst people by character in the world.

[–] ilinamorato@lemmy.world 2 points 2 weeks ago

Absolutely no argument from me there.

[–] xeekei@lemmy.zip 2 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

Now we won't be able to call an extremely efficient fusion drive an "Epstein drive" 😢

load more comments (1 replies)
load more comments (1 replies)
[–] rozodru@piefed.social 42 points 2 weeks ago (2 children)

next thing you know they're going to reveal that Epstein was the one that suggested paying for horse armor in Oblivion.

Hell he probably put a hit out on Harambe too.

[–] hector@lemmy.today 7 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

He probably also got involved in Amazon's lord of the rings prequel, and the last season of game of thrones.

[–] AngryCommieKender@lemmy.world 10 points 2 weeks ago

Epstein cancelled Firefly

[–] Adderbox76@lemmy.ca 2 points 2 weeks ago

The hole in the ozone layer...

Yep...you guessed it. Epstein.

[–] Console_Modder@sh.itjust.works 36 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago)

Buying micro transactions supports pedophiles. Spread the word, get micro transactions out of gaming

[–] tanisnikana@lemmy.world 32 points 2 weeks ago (2 children)

I’m quite convinced that everyone with nine digits of wealth to their name is in there. Probably a lot of people with eight and seven.

[–] otacon239@lemmy.world 25 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago) (3 children)

The difference between a million and a billion is about a billion. Millionaires are not our enemies and many are a few months away from losing much of their wealth if they were to lose their career.

Edit: I can’t count in my head apparently. I’m a moron

[–] samus12345@sh.itjust.works 9 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago)

And this was almost 30 years ago! Oh god, I just realized that next year as much time will have passed between when Austin was frozen and the movie as between the movie and now.

[–] skisnow@lemmy.ca 8 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

$2,000,000 : I can live a great life, and if I'm frugal don't ever have to work again if I don't want to

$1,000,000,000 : I literally could not spend all this money on physical possessions if I tried, so the only thing left I can spend it on is owning and controlling other people

[–] BarneyPiccolo@lemmy.today 3 points 2 weeks ago (2 children)

You forgot about rockets. They can always throw their money away on rockets.

[–] skisnow@lemmy.ca 5 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago) (1 children)

Even then...

https://spaceinsider.tech/2023/08/16/how-much-does-it-cost-to-launch-a-rocket/

Bezos and Musk can both go to space in their very own rockets just to have a massive wank, and it still wouldn't cost them the rounding error of their total wealth. It's functionally impossible for them to spend the amount of money they have, and yet for some fucking reason they still want more. They're sick in the head.

[–] BarneyPiccolo@lemmy.today 5 points 2 weeks ago

They are sick in the head, and I've been talking about it a lot.

These people have uncontrolled, unmedicated OCD that manifests as Financial Hoarding. They have more money than either they, or all of their descendants could ever spend, and yet they are driven to hoard more, even as it endangers the existence of the nation and economic system that made them so wealthy.

If someone hoarded hundreds of cats, or rusty cars, or old newspapers, or empty bottles, etc., to the point where it is damaging the entire neighborhood, the authorities would step in, get them help, and clean up the mess.

But with Financial Hoarders, society praises them as successful businesspeople, and encourages them to do more. Often, the government even gives them more money that they don't need, even as it literally hurts every other citizen.

We have to recalibrate how we view these people. They are not business leaders and role models, they are severely mentally ill people who are destroying America, and the World, with their narcissistic and wholly unrealistic demands. We do not have to indulge them, and in fact, we need to stop them immediately, and remove the wealth that is driving their mental illness.

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] BarneyPiccolo@lemmy.today 4 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

Millionaires think they're as good as billionaires, even if the billionaires look down on them, and they act accordingly, and will take the side of the billionaires EVERY time, so Yes, millionaires are still the enemy.

[–] hector@lemmy.today 2 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago)

It really depends on the person, and how that wealth is calculated. Property is so overvalued that a good share of homeowners are millionaires even without much income, so it throws off the accounting. But I agree most people making a couple hundred thousand a year are likely to identify with selfish interests and side with the billionaires.

Not all even if perhaps most.

[–] BarneyPiccolo@lemmy.today 5 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

The word really got around in the world of the Sociopathic Oligarchs, and they all came running.

They've got all this money, and they can't figure out what to do with it, so paying for sex with little girls, and then blackmail payments, seems like a better use of their money than helping struggling citizens.

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] hansolo@lemmy.today 32 points 2 weeks ago (2 children)

JFC. I'm getting to the point that Epstein had his hands in so much I might join the god damned tankies here in a minute.

[–] carotte@lemmy.blahaj.zone 8 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago) (1 children)

wanna know who wasn’t in the epstein files? 😉

A picture of Xi Jinping, edited to make him look like the gigachad meme

/j

[–] Swedneck@discuss.tchncs.de 2 points 2 weeks ago

i'm convinced the chinese congress finishes every meeting with "let us now read the good word of Sun Tzu: Never interrupt your enemy while they are shitting their pants in public", pulling up a random news article about the US, and everyone sits there softly giggling for five minutes.

[–] Mac@mander.xyz 6 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago) (2 children)

Ol' Jeffy wanted to help Russia “leapfrog the global community by reinventing the financial system of the 21st century.” 🤔

[–] hansolo@lemmy.today 2 points 2 weeks ago

So Epstein re-created 4Chan's /pol/ board, moderated a reddit sub, and now we can conclude he was Satoshi Nakamoto.

[–] hector@lemmy.today 2 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago)

Banks were developed way way before the 1600's in venice this guy is off his rocker.

I don't even know all the details, but the ancient romans and greeks had extensive lending. The middle east had lending. Islam basically outlawed usury when it took off too. As did the catholic church. The knights templar were given an exemption on lending to fund the crusades, etc. To call those anything other than banks is semantics.

But even just the term banks, existed from at least the genoese that predated the 1600s considerably. Not just moneylending they have actual banks called banks.

[–] JayTreeman@fedia.io 31 points 2 weeks ago (2 children)

Reminder that this incredibly evil guy referred to trump as 'uniquely evil'

[–] Viking_Hippie@lemmy.dbzer0.com 8 points 2 weeks ago

And also as his best friend.

Just like the GOP establishment, only in reverse.

[–] BarneyPiccolo@lemmy.today 6 points 2 weeks ago

Epstein told [Larry] Summers in the alleged email, "Recall ive told you,, -- i have met some very bad people ,, none as bad as trump. not one decent cell in his body.. so yes- dangerous," according to ABC News.

[–] lechekaflan@lemmy.world 16 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago) (1 children)

Motherfucker is really such a blight upon the world.

In another time his fucking head would have been on a pike and shown to the world as is being consumed by ravenous crows.

[–] ipkpjersi@lemmy.ml 2 points 2 weeks ago

Incredible how much damage one person did.

[–] hector@lemmy.today 14 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

Good god everything is connected to this guy. Like that tik tok skit that plays on these kind of groups where the guy is saying everyone is connected but he's sick of thinking about it, that his idol winnie the poo isn't going to be an epstein pal, then it flashes to a picture of them together smiling and he's like "dammit."

I'm paraphrasing, but it's true, seemingly nothing in the east coast power brokers and masters of the universe were unconnected to this guy. It's also worth mentioning that even epstein, career pimp of underage girls, (and boys?,) to honeypot influential people for Israeli intelligence thought the president was a piece of shit with no endearing qualities. Although one of many other traits epstein and the president share, are their penchent for keeping troves of blackmail, and a hatred of dogs. Think about that last one. What kind of person hates dogs? A piece of fucking shit.

[–] Fedizen@lemmy.world 2 points 2 weeks ago

You know who also hates dogs....

I had assumed Epstein had a shitload of dirt on a shitload of people, but… jesus tapdancing christ

[–] infinitesunrise@slrpnk.net 5 points 2 weeks ago

There goes life again, showing up art...

[–] absquatulate@lemmy.world 4 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago) (1 children)

Not too take away any of epstein's shittiness, but I'd bet bobby and the board would have already thought up mtx by 2012.

[–] Bronzebeard@lemmy.zip 3 points 2 weeks ago

The Horse Armor DLC released 2006. So yeah, that idea was already out there.

load more comments
view more: next ›