It's a bit of both. No amount of fighting for a relationship is going to compensate for fundamental incompatibility, but no amount of compatibility will eliminate the need to work at it.
this post was submitted on 23 Mar 2026
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Idlk I've never had to "fight" for the right love to work out. In fact, it was very easy with the right person.
"you cant just go forcing something if it's just not right"
What's your longest relationship?
People change, and you change, over the years. And over time life can throw a lot of shit your way. Love is easy when it's just dates in your free time, or if you're long distance and every visit is a little vacation. When every encounter is a special little event.
It's tougher over time. Stuff like crunch time at a job while an elderly family member's health is degrading and having to juggle both because you can't afford to tell your job to fuck off. Life stressors and busy schedules leaving no time for intimacy. Not being able to rely on your partner like you normally can because of the immense amount of shit they're juggling. Navigating past childhood trauma (even with therapy, it can still rear its ugly head).
Interests can change. Priorities can change. Things that may have seemed like cute quirks in the first year can become pet peeves over multiple.
I've been with my wife for over a decade now. We've both changed in a lot of ways, and it has taken effort to find time around everything else in life to ensure we have time for each other. Having a kid makes it that much more difficult.
We've had friction. We've had to work together to keep things working. Stuff like "I get your frustration and concern, those are completely valid. I'm going to work on that... That said, holy shit you CANNOT word it like that or bring it up to me like that unless you just want us to have a shouting match. That wording and approach signals a hell of a lot more to me than you seem to actually mean."
"Fighting" to make things work might be the wrong word, but it has at times been a lot of work. And I feel our relationship is stronger for it.
Ultimately, I'd rather have the depth of relationship where I build things with my partner and get deeply attached, than to keep things distanced enough that I could just cut and run when things got messy or difficult. That means that I've got to weather when things get rough too.
So far it's been worth it.
"Fighting" to make things work might be the wrong word, but it has at times been a lot of work
I think that's what the other commenter was kind of getting at. Fighting is something forceful and unhinged, putting in effort is the more appropriate way to put it in my eyes.
I agree. To me "fighting" implies that there are forces trying to end the relationship, against which you must fight.
But that just isn't the case in good relationships IMO. Yes some amount of effort is often required, and not every day can feel like the honeymoon phase, but the relationship has never felt adversarial.
I don't doubt that for some relationships, "fight" is probably an accurate phrase. But I don't think it should be seen as normal or expected of every relationship.
Fighting is something forceful and unhinged, putting in effort is the more appropriate way to put it in my eyes.
If cancer is taking the life of your mate are you just "putting in effort" against cancer? This a part of what can happen in a relationship. "Fighting for the relationship" doesn't necessarily mean against each other. It can mean against society, against nature even.
Yes, im not forcing my mate to fight because stress and anger makes you less healthy. Fighting is some american bs they think everything is better when you fight, it's not actual helpful usage of the word fight.
Cancer is trying to kill you. The opposite of "fighting" is "surrender". Its useful in that context for a fight against cancer. Not considering that as a threat that needs to be fought seems fatalistic. To each their own.
It's not, it's your own body's cells that "forgot" their not supposed to grow too much. They're just trying to grow. But idk a lot of humans seem to need some "enemy" to fight. You just don't have to look at the world that way. It's a very americanized way of looking at things.
It's cell banditry.
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You are fighting, because there is a force (cancer) which is actively working against you. There should not usually be any forces actively working against your relationship though, so I wouldn't call it a fight.
You are fighting, because there is a force (cancer) which is actively working against you.
We're agreeing. Fighting is an appropriate word choice here against cancer.
There should not usually be any forces actively working against your relationship though, so I wouldn’t call it a fight.
There shouldn't be, but humanity seems to invent them frequently. There can be external forces working against the relationship. It could be something as benign as excessive responsibilities at work robbing time from the relationship, financial challenges for basic needs (food, clothing, housing), or perhaps difficulties with child care (especially for children with special needs). For some it could be society pressures such as your community disapproving of your relationship because of differences in race or religion. It could even be state sponsored forces such as laws against homosexuality or trans people.
People change, and you change, over the years. And over time life can throw a lot of shit your way. Love is easy when it’s just dates in your free time, or if you’re long distance and every visit is a little vacation. When every encounter is a special little event.
Not everyone changes. Some people do the same shit for decades and they abhor novelty and change.
I'm dating in my 40s... many of the women I meet have been doing the same shit for 20+ years and do not want to change anything about their life and have zero interest in trying new things or adapting to someone else. I find it terrifying... it reminds me of my parents who did nothing with their lives.
Some people value duration in relationships, others don't. There's not one, right way to be in a relationship, and one isn't better than the other.
I didn't make some objective judgement one way or the other. I laid out reasons why a relationship may take "fighting", work, or effort that wouldn't be as necessary in shorter term relationships. I also stated my preference for longer term ones.
That said, I think it may be a little telling that you jumped to defend your lifestyle choices when they weren't attacked.
I guess that's my point i was making in this thread, conflating effort and fight is a big problem in US culture and a foundation of the kill or be killed mentality.
you cant just go forcing something if it's just not right"
To quote the great philosopher Peter Griffin : "Love is like a fart, if you have to force it, it's probably shit"
I will credit their success to the cat.
Yeah sometimes you must fight. Just not them, but yourself. To become better, to become what they deserve and to match what they give you.
That approach works well until you run into somebody that isn't doing the same. Once that happens it's just a recipe for being gaslit that you're not doing enough.
Finding the balance between what you need to give and what you should demand isn't easy, but it certainly isn't this one-sided.
That's why commitment is the better word than fighting. In get the intent of the original statement and would agree, but its sort of a bumper sticker version of reality (to be fair, internet memes are essentially that).
To your point, both people need to view relationships in the same manner and value, and then commit to it. That's where the power is. And no matter what, you know neither of you is giving up and leaving. Its foundational to everything.
We're doing this life together, so that means we're sticking together.
It never needs to be proven that we could go away. We know, and that's why.
Nah bro.
I’m fucking tired.
Sometimes is not worth fighting for.
Sometimes it isn't, and it takes wisdom to see whether or not it's worth it.
I've been there, exhausted, stressed, done. I'm so grateful I walked away. Being single was better than that relationship by the end, but it also put me in a position to find a relationship that's been worth every struggle it's imposed on me.
Good luck
They got one pillow which means they ain't even moved in with each other yet they're already having problems? Doomed, I'd say.
For a longterm relationship to really work, in my experience of 7 years, you must sometimes fight with the person you love as well. It is not the most important thing and in mass much more attention and sacrifice is needed than fighting. But even the other person will appreciate it, if you will fight them a bit, when you feel they temporaly abandoned the relationship or common goals. If you truly love someone, then you hope you will not need to fight them, but you are also ready to do it, for them, for the relationship. Anyway that is my two cents.
It sounds like what you are describing is just "you need good communication", which I agree with. I very much disagree with the notion that "you must sometimes fight with the person you love".
Having a relationship with a merman would be a lot of work.
But should it stop us from trying?
Depends if you're top or bot
Why couldn’t the fish part be on the top and man part be on the bottom?!
Wait, where the fuck are the cats this morning?
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