this post was submitted on 30 Mar 2026
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This is my partner. Most men are completely gross to her, some are kind of attractive. every single time that kind of attractive one has turned out to be gay or trans. Like 13 total with a streak of like 7 that didn't even know they were trans before dating her (including me).

[–] Entertainmeonly@lemmy.blahaj.zone 88 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago) (2 children)

I like my men to be clean but gruff. Cute is a bonus but definitely not what I'm looking for.

Edit: Foot in mouth i realize after posting I'm in a lesbian community. Apologies.

[–] Nikki@lemmy.blahaj.zone 37 points 2 days ago

lmao that edit is great

[–] toynbee@piefed.social 18 points 2 days ago

Well, the username checks out even more than usual!

It's because female beauty is about curves and softness and warm inviting eyes and glowing skin and heavy girl-stink (that last one might just be me).

Male beauty standards are about looking like a bag full of bricks that smells like industrial biproducts marketed as "sport".

[–] endless_nameless@lemmy.world 27 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago) (5 children)

I have a few ideas and I think the reality is a mixture of all of them.

  1. Women have more pressure to be beautiful
  2. Women are taught to know the value of vanity while men are not
  3. Men primarily select for beauty, while women select for other things, so women are essentially selectively bred for beauty, to put it in grossly clinical terms
[–] Bloefz@lemmy.world 2 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago) (1 children)

About #2: Yeah I'm a guy and I've recently taken up makeup classes (mostly for theatrical/fantasy purposes) but sometimes I go out and I think I look bad and I just puff it up a bit now that I know to give me a bit more of a healthy glow. Just slightly so, tiny bit of powder, a bit of color to cover the dark under my eyes when I'm tired, stuff like that.

I think most women do this without thinking, as a man I was not even aware of the possibilities. I thought makeup was all the super obvious stuff. Like mascara, eyeshadow and lipstick.

[–] endless_nameless@lemmy.world 1 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Im glad you're pushing the boundaries for men and happy it's working for you. Personally though I could never see myself using makeup. I look like a goddamn revenant so I could use it but vanity is just so dysphoric for me in general. I want my outside to reflect my inside. I'm deeply cynical, pessimistic, and unfortunately very jaded. Putting on makeup, showing any skin, or wearing colored clothing kind of feels like a perversion of my self image.

Despite very little care for my appearance, people still tell me I'm attractive somewhat regularly. I don't really feel it though. I can't tell if it's because I don't believe it or because I don't want it. I'm not really sure if I love beauty or hate beauty, or maybe both because it evokes so many polar opposite emotions for me simultaneously. Is striving to be beautiful a noble goal for anyone? In some ways I think we should all try to be beautiful, then I think some more and feel like it's all a dirty trick.

Why do we even want to be beautiful? So we can trick people into treating us better than we deserve? So we can trick people into locking their life to ours when they wouldn't otherwise? Or is it something higher level than that, like striving to reach closer to some divine form?

I'm in California right now, surrounded by beautiful people. It's driving me insane. Seeing so many beautiful women fills me with such a strong feeling of sadness, knowing I'll never be able to hold them, care for them, love them, protect them, etc. But why do I even feel this compulsion? I know nothing about them and for all I know they could be completely without any virtue at all. The more I think about them the more I feel that could be the case. I think back to all the time I've wasted chasing beauty, the numerous times I've completely fucked up my life for beautiful women. Then I come to hate myself knowing my perfect match may not be beautiful and I might never give them the time of day for that. Or I will, and live my whole life secretly resenting them for not being beautiful, wishing for something else.

I guess that's the end of my unhinged rant. But I want to know, in your view, what is the purpose of being beautiful?

[–] Bloefz@lemmy.world 1 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago)

It's about feeling good about myself more than about others. I tend to be pretty elaborate with party makeup, like in a cosplay sense. People like it when you make an effort. And it makes me feel better about myself which in turn gives me more confidence. And control over my appearance.

So for me changing my outward image also improves my self image!

The other stuff I mentioned is more just tricks. Sometimes I'm tired and I don't want people to notice that too much.

[–] captainlezbian@lemmy.world 16 points 2 days ago

I think she's just gay

Regarding your 3. point: Humans are the most heavily selected/bred species of all.

You have all heard about "domesticated animals/plants" - i.e. cows give more milk, apple trees give more and bigger and sweeter apples.

But i think more intensely than all these species, humans are selectively bred as well. We select for beauty, successfulness, intelligence, funniness, witfulness, idk what else. And that certainly drives evolution is a certain way. That's why humans have evolved more rapidly than any other species in the last 10K years, including ability to speak, and other traits, i think.

[–] FlyingCircus@lemmy.world 8 points 2 days ago

In many places men are bullied by their peers if they put β€œexcessive” care into their appearance.

[–] UnderpantsWeevil@lemmy.world 6 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago)

Men primarily select for beauty, while women select for other things

Idk about that. Any high class club or bar in America will have That One Guy with a sorority's worth of women just hanging off him.

Also, men will fixate on beauty. But they routinely select for compatibility and accessibility. Guys pair up with girls who are interested in them. And finding a woman who reflects your own interests and passions is as much of the dating game as looking good. The standard for physical beauty is highly relative, such that the cutest girl in the computer science lounge probably won't look anything like a Vogue Cover Model but will still have a hive of anxious, sweaty, love-struck co-eds hovering around them.

women are essentially selectively bred for beauty

Beauty standards are all over the map. Read your Freud. Straight men tend to gravitate towards women who remind them of their childhood primary caretakers (ie, mom). Women aren't "selectively bred" for anything. They reproduce a cohort of young men who adopt the beauty standards established by their elders.

It is not women who change to reflect male tastes but men who change to reflect female appearance.

Where you see this pattern go off the rails is among latchkey kids who are exposed to mass media and denied access to a large cohort of IRL caregivers. When TV raises your kids, they're going to grow up to believe Women On TV are what women should look like. But then beauty standards are established by TV production companies, not natural selection.

[–] eestileib@lemmy.blahaj.zone 31 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Since I moved to a gayborhood I see a lot more cute guys

[–] TotallynotJessica@lemmy.blahaj.zone 35 points 2 days ago (3 children)

Gay dudes often take care of themselves in ways straight men don't. Toxic masculinity is once again responsible for men not bringing out their true potential πŸ˜”

There's also the slight differences in the way they carry themselves that you might not consciously notice but your brain definitely perceives.

[–] endless_nameless@lemmy.world 11 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Pseudo-straight pseudo-male here, I can say pretty confidently that I don't think this is a toxic masculinity issue. Literally nobody ever taught me that it was important to be beautiful, I only figured that out myself as an adult.

I honestly think it's kinda fucked up but it's really a failing of society as a whole rather than masculinity in general. I find the whole thing really sick and it's made me a bit antisocial. In public, women smile at me when I've shaved my face and they give me dead or suspicious eyes when I don't. It just makes me feel like everyone is so fake. I rarely shave my face since realizing that because I want people to treat me how they would treat anyone rather than giving me special treatment because they're vaguely attracted to me. I've gotten so sick with this that I find myself treating beautiful people worse. So uhh, factor that into your calculations. Is that toxic masculinity? I forgot where I was going with this.

[–] Berengaria_of_Navarre@lemmy.world 3 points 2 days ago (2 children)

My overweight fiancΓ© can roll out of bed, without showering or brushing her teeth or anything, smelling like she sucked on a badger's taint all night and she's still hot. How many guys can you say that about?

I think that says more about your love for her than anything else. When you're in deep love with someone, of course you will find them unbelievably beautiful. Don't you find her more beautiful with each passing day as you fall deeper in love with her?

[–] FrowingFostek@lemmy.world 3 points 2 days ago

I'm not getting the comparison cuz, I switched the genders in my head and the answer is still "not many".

[–] SharkWeek@lemmy.blahaj.zone 13 points 2 days ago (1 children)

I'm working in Vietnam at the moment, and there's a higher proportion of men who present themselves well - tailored clothes, nicely cut hair, clean shaven - and it extends to how they carry themselves.

Being enby with an enby spouse I'm on the edge of lesbianism, but I gotta say a lot of these guys could flex my orientation if they wanted to.

[–] TotallynotJessica@lemmy.blahaj.zone 7 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Here in America it seems to be a virtue to be as boring and cookie cutter as possible

I've only met a handful of American guys; they typified everything about men that makes me feel unsafe, and also makes the idea of having any kind of relationship with one nauseating

[–] Berengaria_of_Navarre@lemmy.world 36 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Literally every guy I've ever found remotely attractive ends up not being a guy. Perhaps you're just an egg detector?

[–] Macchi_the_Slime@piefed.blahaj.zone 6 points 1 day ago (1 children)

My partner is the same way lmao! Every single time she finds a guy attractive they turn out to be gay or trans. She's hit like 13 total and her longest streak is like 7 that didn't even know at the time they dated including me.

Literally her first words after seeing a picture of me the first time was basically "I'm not sure how to ask this without sounding rude but, what kind of queer are you? Because I actually find you kind of attractive and apparently that doesn't happen with guys."

What's really funny is as far as I knew at the time I was just a bi cis guy. I'd had a gender crisis in high school but only knew about the full binary options and girl felt just as wrong as boy but for different reasons. (Figured out later that was probably mostly due to me being ace and not knowing it). So I just gave up and said guess I'm just a guy that hates traditional masculinity and she shattered my worldview with a handful of words "that sounds like nonbinary to me" and I suddenly had some googling to do.

[–] Berengaria_of_Navarre@lemmy.world 1 points 7 hours ago* (last edited 7 hours ago)

Yeah my partner claims to be bisexual but heteroromantic. But 50% of her partners turned out to be transfem. Including myself.

So her type are eggs.

[–] RBWells@lemmy.world 6 points 2 days ago

Straight lady with kids of various persuasions and yeah. Our kids are good looking but all of the girls look better than their boyfriends and the girlfriends are better looking than the boys. The girl with girlfriend and trans guy with girlfriend are in much more equal looking-ness relationships.

I feel like me & the husband are reasonably well matched, averagely good looking not stunning. The kids though, they think I am the better looking one too.

I do think more women are good looking. We just are. Some is care, taking better care of ourselves. Some, I don't know - girls seem to think my trans son is ridiculously good looking though, so I am not convinced it's all grooming.

I do think it's harder to look good as a guy, the standards are narrower. There are more ways to look as a woman, more different looks are considered hot. Guys have fewer.

[–] Feathercrown@lemmy.world 5 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Why is her left eye so white

[–] TotallynotJessica@lemmy.blahaj.zone 2 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago) (1 children)

phone camera processing artifacts?

[–] Feathercrown@lemmy.world 1 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Is this that iphone camera AI I've been hearing about

It's been around a lot longer than AI

[–] rumschlumpel@feddit.org 23 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago) (2 children)

Lesbianism aside (I say, in a specifically lesbian community), I think it's the patriarchy at work yet again. I'm pretty sure that a lot of men desire to be "pretty" or "cute", but mainstream heteronormativity makes even small efforts in the direction of femininity a big deal.

[–] chonglibloodsport@lemmy.world 8 points 2 days ago (2 children)

No, it’s definitely laziness. People who want to look good put in the effort. People who don’t care just don’t bother. As a straight man, I’m proudly in the β€œdon’t care” camp. I wash my hair when it gets greasy. I shave my face when it gets itchy. I go to the gym because I love food and don’t want to put on a ton of weight and have a heart attack at 45.

[–] rumschlumpel@feddit.org 2 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago)

IMO, there's a big difference between looking handsome and looking pretty or cute, especially for men who have more masculine features.

[–] balsoft@lemmy.ml 3 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Can concur, currently I'd like to look pretty and cute, people around me encourage me to do that, people on the street or at work would not care if I did that. The only thing stopping me from looking good is my own lazy ass.

[–] captainlezbian@lemmy.world 1 points 2 days ago

As a woman, yeah I describe myself as a lazy femme for a reason. When I'm going out I throw on makeup and put in effort, but for most things, nah I'm just throwing on jeans and a t-shirt

[–] Lemminary@lemmy.world 3 points 2 days ago

I guess in a lot of areas that's true. Then again, my straight male coworkers dress up regularly and wear earrings and get their eyebrows done. I can't tell who's gay anymore. Send gay help. :(

[–] romanticremedy@lemmy.blahaj.zone 15 points 2 days ago (1 children)

So her ratio is like 700:1. I agree

Although I'm pansexual, it's very rare to see attractive men IRL while I see hot or cute women pretty often

πŸ€·β€β™€οΈ

[–] Gonzako@lemmy.world 7 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Well, I personally believe we simply use different ways of making us look hot and that they are harder to communicate.

For example, we often get judged by how useful/handy we are. Emotional intelligence doesn't show on your clothes; etc.

This a simple case of judging men by the standards of women, when they normally dont really care about them.

[–] SlurpingPus@lemmy.world 6 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago)

we often get judged by how useful/handy we are

After all, a toolbelt is a popular accessory in male striptease. Apparently an attractive characteristic in men is having a stable job.

[–] Thcdenton@lemmy.world 3 points 2 days ago

I'm ok with this

[–] mavu@discuss.tchncs.de 5 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Probably because i don't go out that much.

[–] AnarchoEngineer@lemmy.dbzer0.com 6 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Do you have 100 pretty women trapped in your house?…

[–] mavu@discuss.tchncs.de 4 points 2 days ago

not trapped per se, but it's so hard to get them to leave once they laid eyes on me.

[–] Jimbabwe@lemmy.world 4 points 2 days ago

She looks like an old girlfriend of mine and it’s freaking me out!

[–] brownsugga@lemmy.world 4 points 2 days ago

If she sees 100 cute women a day but no cute guys maybe she might swing that way

[–] Shanmugha@lemmy.world 2 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago) (2 children)

Serious answer: because things are fucked up and men are allowed to look however they want, but women are forced to look all young and sexy

[–] excral@feddit.org 5 points 2 days ago (1 children)

It's even more fucked up: men can't look however either but can't venture too far into pretty. Men are far more likely to get flak for dressing pretty, wearing make up/nail polish and so on than for looking bland and generic. For true equality a man in a dress should be as normal as a woman in pants.

[–] Shanmugha@lemmy.world 1 points 2 days ago

Well... yeah, this happens too. And I want to wear pink and smell like flowers, yet in some areas this would lead to trouble

[–] Gathorall@lemmy.world 4 points 2 days ago (1 children)

I surely haven't done that. The person who forced women to do that can come out and confess now.

Wait, how do you know!!!

It's them!!! Get em!!!

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