this post was submitted on 15 May 2026
201 points (99.5% liked)

Not The Onion

21495 readers
829 users here now

Welcome

We're not The Onion! Not affiliated with them in any way! Not operated by them in any way! All the news here is real!

The Rules

Posts must be:

  1. Links to news stories from...
  2. ...credible sources, with...
  3. ...their original headlines, that...
  4. ...would make people who see the headline think, “That has got to be a story from The Onion, America’s Finest News Source.”

Please also avoid duplicates.

Comments and post content must abide by the server rules for Lemmy.world and generally abstain from trollish, bigoted, ableist, or otherwise disruptive behavior that makes this community less fun for everyone.

And that’s basically it!

founded 2 years ago
MODERATORS
 

"Before Dr. Brian Christine was tapped to lead America’s public hantavirus response, he was an Alabama-based urologist who specialized in penile implants, CNN reported Friday.

Christine currently serves as the assistant secretary for health at the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, and as such is one of the top public health officials running the country’s infectious disease policy. Earlier this week, he told reporters in Nebraska that the agency’s response to the dangerous outbreak would be “grounded in science” and “grounded in transparency.”

Yet Christine’s resume seems far and away from that of a typical U.S. health official. While he has some public health experience under his belt, having served as a four-star admiral in the U.S. Public Health Service Commissioned Corps, he has also espoused dangerous far-right beliefs and spread wellness conspiracy theories.

He rebuked coronavirus mandates and spread conspiracy theories about treatment plans that sowed doubt and division over the government’s public health response at the time. He has claimed that the pandemic was a part of a wider government plot to control people, and he skirted questions from the U.S. Senate as to whether or not he would recommend the Covid vaccine to his patients.

The 62-year-old admiral also hosted a YouTube series titled “Erection Connection,” a professional show for other urologists discussing erectile dysfunction..."

top 46 comments
sorted by: hot top controversial new old
[–] JackiesFridge@lemmy.world 2 points 4 hours ago

So dude’s previous medical experience was…gender-affirming care.

[–] SabinStargem@lemmy.today 7 points 10 hours ago (1 children)

Presumably, the same guy who botched Elon's junk. It must grate, seeing this doctor whenever visiting the Orange House.

[–] Tollana1234567@lemmy.today 3 points 10 hours ago

and likely made sexually frustrated and more "conservative"

[–] SethTaylor@lemmy.world 4 points 11 hours ago

That's one way of telling people to get fucked

Americans: "But, sir, there's a pandemic" Trump: "Fetch me my dick doctor"

[–] CannedYeet@lemmy.world 3 points 14 hours ago

Gotta share this story of the horror of penis enlargements gone wrong

https://www.propublica.org/article/penis-enlargement-enhancement-procedures-implants

[–] Formfiller@lemmy.world 18 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Dude I swear to fucking god if we don’t have a revolution we deserve to go extinct

[–] Tollana1234567@lemmy.today 12 points 1 day ago (1 children)

must be the same DR that botched MUSK's penis enlargement surgery.

[–] 6stringringer@lemmy.zip 5 points 1 day ago

Bruh got’s to work off all the F ups he done did. He ain’t getting paid. Mf’er just tryna stay alive rn.

[–] WorldsDumbestMan@lemmy.today 13 points 1 day ago

They are just playing with us all, as they prepare to snuff us all out within a handful of years.

Because we aren't guillotining them.

[–] zergtoshi@lemmy.world 33 points 1 day ago (1 children)

I wonder how they know each other.
Does anyone have a clue?

[–] victorz@lemmy.world 8 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Did they say it was his personal penile impaler? Penis impostor? Dick driver?

Let's start some rumors y'all. Liberal application of fiction.

[–] emmanuel_car@k.fe.derate.me 6 points 1 day ago

Not fiction, alternative facts

[–] Asafum@lemmy.world 24 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago) (1 children)

That is one hell of a way of telling us to get fucked. Takes a bit of thought to get there, 4/10 joke.

Next up: Ivermectin and penis enlargement prevents hantavirus!

[–] Fredselfish@lemmy.world 13 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Probably Trump personally doctor. We all know Trump has a small Dick.

[–] mr_account@lemmy.world 3 points 1 day ago

What he lacks physically, he makes up for figuratively in all other aspects of his miserable, tragically-long life

[–] Treczoks@lemmy.world 12 points 1 day ago (3 children)

Trump likes to assign such jobs to people he knows. Go figure.

[–] smeenz@lemmy.nz 4 points 1 day ago

Actually, he's got a great pool guy who he has never heard of, at all, and definitely didn't have anything to do with giving him a contract to paint the reflecting pool

[–] Nomad@infosec.pub 4 points 1 day ago

The word you are looking for is crony capitalism.

[–] MisterD@lemmy.ca 3 points 1 day ago

I vaguely remember someone mentioning that both Trump and Epstein had deformed penises. I thought it was b.s. but now I'm not sure.

Why else would he want to reward a penis implant specialist?

[–] RobotToaster@mander.xyz 17 points 2 days ago (1 children)

On the one hand urology and ED are important specialisms, and it's annoying seeing them mocked. He also actually has experience in public health which makes him more qualified than most trump appointees.

On the other hand, outside of that his record is, for want of a better term, "yikes".

[–] totesmygoat@piefed.ca 3 points 1 day ago (1 children)

If he was Elons surgeon.... Looks like he's about to continue to screw things up.

[–] phutatorius@lemmy.zip 1 points 5 hours ago

Is it literally helical now, like a duck's schwantz?

[–] Kazumara@discuss.tchncs.de 4 points 1 day ago

Why even assign a hantavirus official? Just for stoking fears and using them politically? It's not like a pandemic is looming.

[–] Infinite@lemmy.zip 12 points 1 day ago

So they actually think it's hentaivirus?

[–] agingelderly@lemmy.world 14 points 2 days ago (1 children)

He rebuked coronavirus mandates and spread conspiracy theories about treatment plans that sowed doubt and division over the government’s public health response at the time. He has claimed that the pandemic was a part of a wider government plot to control people, and he skirted questions from the U.S. Senate as to whether or not he would recommend the Covid vaccine to his patients.

Boom he's a piece of shit. Get him out. This moron shouldn't be anywhere near a medical decision.

[–] JamieDub86@piefed.social 0 points 2 days ago (2 children)

Trump or the guy that can make your knob bigger?

Interestingly, theres a left wong politician in the UK who the right call "the tit whisperer" cause they misunderstood something he said.

[–] phutatorius@lemmy.zip 1 points 5 hours ago* (last edited 5 hours ago)

It was a setup by a Murdoch paper, deliberate distortion.

My tits get bigger every year without hypnosis. It happens to older guys.

[–] Zirconium@lemmy.world 2 points 1 day ago

I'd rather be a tit whisperer than a dick enhancer

[–] Malyca@lemmy.zip 6 points 1 day ago

On the other hand, maybe we'll all die of hantavirus before having to suffer through the rest of the fascist takeover

[–] 6stringringer@lemmy.zip 2 points 1 day ago

If one gets Penis Hantavirus. Well, they are gonna have a really bad time.

[–] fubarx@lemmy.world 4 points 1 day ago (1 children)

The right person to prevent it from getting out-of-hand.

[–] BenLeMan@lemmy.world 1 points 11 hours ago* (last edited 1 hour ago)

Glad the Health Secretary has his expertise augmented by someone specializing in human penises.

He is, though, isn't he? Right?

God, I hope he's not just another raccoon penis enthusiast.

I mean I know a country whose top epidemiologist isn't even a doctor (I only know that because I'm related to the idiot)

[–] FlashMobOfOne@lemmy.world 3 points 1 day ago

And this headline doesn't even crack the top 10 of the worst things Donald has done.

[–] Darthcapi@lemmy.ml 5 points 2 days ago (3 children)

Why can’t we just have nice things?

[–] Asafum@lemmy.world 3 points 2 days ago

Because there are too many greedy people with exploded egos that have the highest propensity to do whatever it takes to hold positions of power, meanwhile "good" people rarely seek, or are capable of obtaining, positions of power.

:(

[–] teyrnon@sh.itjust.works 2 points 2 days ago

You know why.

[–] OwOarchist@pawb.social 0 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Because ~40% of our voter base HATES nice things and consistently votes to hurt and punish nice things. And, worst of all, those people are concentrated in low-population states, which our profoundly stupid electoral system gives far more representation to.

[–] teyrnon@sh.itjust.works -1 points 2 days ago (2 children)

That is a very incomplete Take. As if the Democrats were blameless. To make that argument after to say nothing before them, Clinton, obama, clinton, biden, then Harris without even a contest with 4 months to go.

The fact of the matter, all major parties in all Western Nations have been seized by the oligarchy. The only answer is to take one of those parties back and run a populist campaign, to make and run a political machine. But that's not in the cards because you (collective, not you neccessarily,) mother fuckers trust these fake leftists to run the opposition.

[–] Tollana1234567@lemmy.today 3 points 1 day ago (1 children)

many far right parties all over the world is primarly funded by putin anyways, it is not accident the sudden amount propaganda propping up them all at once. Billionaires are only taking advantage of what russia has lead the way.

[–] teyrnon@sh.itjust.works 0 points 17 hours ago

While true, putin only took advantage of the situation that the rich and business interests have created, making an alternate reality and everything else. This didn't start with Putin, it started with the Business Roundtable in 1971 that made the first iteration of the long game to overthrow the Republic, and all the rest of the western republics. The Heritage foundations project 2025 could probably be seen as a further iteration of the public part of their long game.

Putin saw how stupid and greedy the right wing was and dropped any lingering support for leftists, that are notoriously divisive and difficult to tool, and switched to supporting the far right.

[–] Darthcapi@lemmy.ml 0 points 2 days ago (1 children)

I would love to see a bunch of parties...especially far left parties with a legit shot at the white house. that being said, as inept as the democrats are non of them have been trump by any stretch.

[–] teyrnon@sh.itjust.works -1 points 2 days ago

Forget left and right, we're talking about popular and unpopular, and the Democrats are not popular, and they're not trying to be popular, in a system that elects People based on popularity. Otherwise known as populism, which they consider the greatest of all evils.

Associating it with fake populism on the right that blames scapegoats for the real villains. That is why they suck.

Stop covering for them and help us get candidates that can win and can improve our situation because we are on the path to fucking ruin in case you haven't realized that.

[–] Murse@slrpnk.net 2 points 2 days ago

Got tired of getting penises up, so he switched to getting infection rates up instead.