doomer

At this point in order to function "normally" in society I more or less have to wall off the parts of myself that care about anything real.

I feel despondent most of the time and was in a real nasty place the other day. The only time I start to get worried about my depression is when imagining my own violent death brings me a sense of inner peace. I was there. Everything is so exhausting and horrifying and wretched, and I have to endure it all alone. I have my mom and brothers, sure, but that's not enough for me, and everything I do feels pointless.

I just keep going anyway. It might get better. Might not. But I'm not going to hurt myself as long as that will hurt the people around me.

honestly, the only way i figure we can keep going on is optimistic nihilism or really optimistic doomerism where we try to enjoy our meagre lives as everything around us around us falls to pieces. what can we do to change this fucked up world? what can one person do? i guess it's up to us to try our best, but we could also not. just log off and stop being communists all of us. what i wouldn't give to be a hapless liberal again or barring that a chud.

it's either that or die fighting as a foreign fighter for the PFLP in minecraft

yeah

i grew up watching feckless anti-war protests and occupy get crushed. Feels like protest doesn't actually do anything but people are too civility brained or scared of prison to go around murdering oil executives.

Pessimism of the intellect, optimism of the will. - Gramsci

... Still working on it.😅

Usually when I get to really low points I end up trying to be extremely helpful to random people in real life or online (the motivation for my emulation mega thread on hexbear).

I've just always sorta figured that if in my lowest moments I'm willing to help people (even in silly non-serious ways) that that alone is enough worth fighting for.

On the digital front, whenever I come upon some wildly helpful thread on the internet I take an extra second to appreciate the effort that someone went through to make this for some anonymized random person in the world strictly because they felt it should exist. People like building things solely for the purpose of helping others and that makes things a little more bearable to me.

Your posts, as stupid and silly as they frequently are, usually end up making my days a little bit brighter even for just a moment, and the fact that someone wants to do that as some bizarre artistic expression lets me know that there are other people out there trying to make things better for the sake of making things better in whatever way, small or big, that they can.

This got kinda rambly but I hope it maybe made things seem somewhat less bleak.

joy will only be found in the red army

We all have each other at least. I think that like minded people coming together like this is something positive to look at. It creates the possibility of a better future through the collective work of all those gathered. Idk, people coming together to compare notes often gives me hope. I know that might sound sappy or cliche to some but, that is what I feel.
💛 🟥

spite is like breakfast for me now, important for everyday function

Yeah it sucks. Have to numb myself a lot just to make it. I'm sure the people at work think I'm mentally disabled or fucked in some way out in the world because of this. And one of the few comforts we have is each other but I can't be both extremely open to people and life while not getting devastated by them equally. The toturous impasse of existing.

You're not watching the murder of anything beautiful, comrade. You're lamenting the death of what you imagined could be. It doesn't have to die as long as you can imagine it.

The war started long before we were born and it'll continue long after we fall and most of the battles we don't win. But as long as I breathe there'll still be one communist fighting. You with me?

Your line about watching the murder of something beautiful really hits home. We live in such an incredible world, filled with wonder and with the capacity for joy and fulfillment for so many living creatures, and our overlords shit on it just for some meager profits in the next quarter. Most people I know are capable of recognizing this, but are stuck in a spiral racing just to stay afloat or willfully ignorant because the status quo benefits them even just a little bit.

I don’t know what to say to strengthen you against this. It all just sucks so much. I know there is a better world possible, but so often I can’t see a path towards it. I will say I appreciate your posts and look forward to them. You have the ability to make me laugh but I also appreciate the righteous anger you also show. I also really love your c/bloomer posts because they remind me that there are positive signs of where humanity is heading and that we still owe it to this planet to fight for a better future

Sometimes things are good, sometimes I have to rely on spite to keep me going

this isn't meant to be prescriptive but exercise and diet helped my depression. The world is still awful of course, and maybe I should also do therapy/meds, but it's too expensive. And I'm glad you said in another post that you stay alive to spite the fascists. That's good. That's always good. Keep existing. Fuck them.

I am writing this for myself, just as much for all of you.

It was always going to end like this, I think. Humanity has been seeing it coming for decades, before we were born, about the ultimate fate of humanity under capitalism. You could see it in dystopian movies, fiction, novels, shows. You could see it in revival and popularity of nostalgia. Of fantasies of escapism.

Death has always been inevitable. Societies were never eternal or immortal. They die. When they die, it can be self-inflicted. It can be because of events out of their control.

It doesn't mean that our lives were meaningless or tragic. It means that the end of the world is the end of the world as we know it. Will we go extinct sooner or later is not the negation of meaning but understanding that life must be created with meaning.

We'll persist even if the ecosystem becomes as hostile to life as the rest of the cosmos are.

A religious anecdote:

The prophet, Jeremiah, was prophesizing and consoling the Israelites, in the verge of destruction and oblivion by Nebuchadnezzar, of redemption and renewal. That God had still loved them, and that despite the hardship at the hands of Babylon, God would be with them and protect them even in exile. God is within our hearts and home and we will always be loved even in the face, as Jeremiah witnessed, of annihilation.

The point is, you should not give in to despair but embrace the absurdity and beauty of life all the same. You can't really be sane when you are hoping and fighting against overwhelming odds and fatigue of war, hunger, disease, poverty, oppression, age, and heartbreak.

Your heart must triumph over your mind and exclaim the opposite of what your reason dictates. You have to just say "Fuck you" to all that.

The ultimate act of defiant happiness is to live. With all that encompasses, for good and for ill, for excitement and banality, for love and for disdain, for self-actualization and reconciliation with your own humanity and connection with others.

If we're all going to hell, then bring marshmallows.

Love & solidarity comrade

I'm at this weird point where I'm working on my education to earn higher wages when I begin working again, but I know that I'm going to ultimately use the money to fund a painless and quick way to end my life. After my parents pass on, of course.

There is not a single problem in existence that can’t be solved with the thoughtful application of bullets. Just saying

I was in a stable condition for quite a long time. It's only because I stopped thinking about the world. But as you say it, there's nothing one person can change, and you can't convince others without sounding delusional. I feel powerless, no one wants to change anything.

I sometimes think that maybe this world is hell, instead of going to it after death. Maybe I'm already dead.

Hope is the root of pain.