this post was submitted on 27 Jul 2024
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The Monkey's Paw

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Want to make a wish? Just ask the Monkey’s Paw! No strings attached.*

Just create a post that starts with “I wish ___”. Other users will then grant you the wish, and probably not how you intended.

^(*)^ ^Strings^ ^definitely^ ^attached.^ ^Satisfaction^ ^not^ ^guaranteed.^ ^Wish^ ^will^ ^likely^ ^backfire.^

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[–] bahbah23@lemmy.world 42 points 10 months ago (2 children)

Granted, cats now weigh thousands of pounds.

[–] turddle@lemmy.world 6 points 10 months ago

Poor cat lady’s house is now full of giant leopards. RIP

[–] towerful@programming.dev 2 points 10 months ago (1 children)
[–] DebatableRaccoon@lemmy.ca 3 points 10 months ago

I'm sure that if John Spartan thought rat burger tasted good, that cat burger would be fine too.

[–] fireweed@lemmy.world 36 points 10 months ago

Granted, however cow pie size remains unchanged.

[–] Susaga@sh.itjust.works 32 points 10 months ago (1 children)

Granted. Intense selective breeding creates a dwarf cow to sell as designer pets. The process is excessively cruel and incestuous, and the dwarf cows are in constant pain, as well as stupid and easily angered. Animal rights groups see the creation of dwarf cows as more inhumane than beef production.

[–] TexasDrunk@lemmy.world 16 points 10 months ago (1 children)

So the same as a bunch of dog breeds?

[–] Susaga@sh.itjust.works 9 points 10 months ago

Yes, that's exactly what I was getting at. Thank you for stating it in plain text.

[–] Honytawk@lemmy.zip 13 points 10 months ago

Granted, but they still weigh the same

[–] sporks_a_plenty@lemmy.world 11 points 10 months ago

Granted. They are immediately more endearing than any pet anyone has ever had... But by 3 years of age they are more delicious than any food anyone has ever eaten.

[–] The_Che_Banana@beehaw.org 8 points 10 months ago

Granted.

Mini-Cows will never become house trained so you become accostomed to a warm-squishy cow patty gushing between your toes when you walk to the bathroom late at night.

[–] MisterNeon@lemmy.world 8 points 10 months ago

Granted, but they still have horns and can't be house broken.

[–] Klear@sh.itjust.works 5 points 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago)

Granted. A startup called InGen starts producing them and as an early adopter, you're invited to their soon to be open island resort.

[–] kitnaht@lemmy.world 4 points 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago) (2 children)

Then buy some cows, breed them, and selectively breed them until they're really small. But don't forget about secondary characteristics like aggressiveness, etc. Don't breed them to be a smash-faced pug with breathing problems.

[–] troyunrau@lemmy.ca 10 points 10 months ago

Op accidentally starts a cattle ranch in process of acquiring house pet. Not enough generations of cows pass, and they die as a farmer.

[–] baltakatei@sopuli.xyz -1 points 10 months ago

Better hurry, though, since culture might change and suddenly domesticated animals like cows are recognized as people with rights and 20th century burger-eating culture becomes taboo.

[–] RandomVideos@programming.dev 4 points 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago)

Granted, now cows, along with every other animal on earth, will become the size of cats

Good luck keeping something the same size of you as a pet and surviving all the insects that are now huge

[–] Pixel 4 points 8 months ago

Granted. Now noone can get a decent burger or steak cus there's not enough beef.

wow I am late to the party

[–] pelletbucket@lemm.ee 1 points 10 months ago

can you housebreak a cow?