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[-] TheDoozer@lemmy.world 239 points 1 month ago

There are more appropriate ways to say this:

"Nobody with kids. I might want kids some day, but I'm not ready yet, and it feels like there would be too much pressure to either be involved with her kids or be cut out of a major portion of her life until we're really serious. And again, not ready.

And somebody athletic, since I'm into biking and hiking and other activities that require a certain level of fitness.

And... well, somebody who isn't into the whole casual sex thing, honestly. I think sex is special and, for me, requires a strong emotional connection. I want someone who has similar views on sex."

See, I feel like it changes it when you're not focusing on the other person, but yourself. I'm not ready for kids, I'm into fitness, I'm a demisexual. It sets up the same thing without disparaging people who aren't what you're looking for.

[-] Donkter@lemmy.world 71 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago)

I'll first say that from a social standpoint it makes sense to focus on yourself when asked that. But the person asked "tell me what you look for in a girl". You would have to be pretty damn masterful at thinking on your feet to take that question and immediately flip your answers into I statements. Especially if you're anon and obviously don't get asked things like this a lot.

No kids is a common wish although the reason for it can make or break how fine it is to have.

My guess is that anon is overweight, and the person they were talking to was thinking of friends they had that were overweight and were great people.

Anon betrayed that their preference was a bit delusional and/or didn't understand that it can take work to be in shape and takes it for granted that women should be expected to be fit for him without him having to do anything. That's a pretty sour fart of an opinion.

The no dating apps thing is pretty cringe. And could certainly make you seem like a pariah to most people. It definitely betrays a sense of superiority if it's in your top 3 dating requirements. I feel like anon knowing the word demisexual is slim to none but that would be the best thing you could say.

Actually my guess is that this is fake and anon is just stirring the hate mongering pot.

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[-] Fosheze@lemmy.world 36 points 1 month ago

My only gripe with this is that nobody should have to defend themself for not wanting kids. If you don't want kids then you don't want kids and should be able to just leave it at that.

[-] Randomgal@lemmy.ca 22 points 1 month ago

Nobody SHOULD have to explain anything. So it's okay to not do it. but if you're on a date, where you're trying to put yourself out there and establish at least a friendly relationship, you probably want to be cordial and share your thoughts on the matter. Instead of just shutting down mid-date.

[-] TheDoozer@lemmy.world 12 points 1 month ago

I don't consider it a defense, exactly. It's more clarification. Just saying "no kids" might suggest he doesn't want kids ever, which would reduce the potential partners unnecessarily (and if he does want kids eventually, being paired with someone specifically because they don't want kids would just create problems later). Saying "no kids yet" sets them up with someone who doesn't have kids but might in the future.

[-] Mercuri@lemmy.world 33 points 1 month ago

I like how you put this. Anon was asked requirements and all he gave were deal-breakers. It comes off as desperate, crass, or both.

[-] Rekorse@sh.itjust.works 21 points 1 month ago

Its also fake. I could rewrite the ending.

"Friends GF laughs uncontrollably at my list of dealbreakers, as she's drunk and at a bar, not sober at a coffee shop"

"Friends gf proceeds to go around the bar posing my list to every woman, and eventually also all the men, hysterically laughing the whole time while I try to hide by the jukebox."

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[-] Xanis@lemmy.world 26 points 1 month ago

This is an actualized response. In the moment a lot of people can't pull this off, it does take practice. You're right, of course, this is better...I just wish people would more commonly be willing to ask a clarifying question or two before pulling out the butcher's knife.

Some folks just aren't good with their words and may otherwise be great people. In this situation, true or not, they were talking for some time. I think that level of interaction is worth some benefit of the doubt and the tiniest bit of patience. Instead, despite hitting it off and having a great conversation, shallow lady over there judges him by a single moment amongst probably a dozen leading up to it.

...but that is how it goes. That's the game. It's all just a bit silly though.

[-] Randomgal@lemmy.ca 11 points 1 month ago

This is an actualized response...

I agree with you 100%, but I'd say it's easier than it seems. It does require practice, for sure, but I'd argue that talking like an incel also requires practice. (Lee's assume the fictional guy in the Green text got his practice on 4Chan).

I think the thing is that bro is making a choice; whether that choice is to consciously talk about the things he dislikes in low value females, instead of just himself or what he likes (as you would do in date), or to spend his day on 4Chan, unconsciously practicing and learning how to be more like Andrew Tate.

Either way, the problem is not lack of skill, it's the choice to do nothing or even dig in harder into poor communication skills.

Then comes the lack of appropriate feedback, without judgement, to help them realize that it is them who are turning themselves into "low-value men" if there were to judge themselves by the same measure.

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[-] SkunkWorkz@lemmy.world 13 points 1 month ago

Anon is definitely not into fitness though. Probably a lard ass himself.

[-] GraniteM@lemmy.world 9 points 1 month ago

Also, this is just a really negative set of statements. "I DON'T want X, Y, and Z." Even giving anon a pretty big benefit of the doubt and assuming they didn't state it like "No fatties," they aren't really saying what they want in a partner, just a bunch of standards by which they would judge somebody.

The search for a romantic partner should involve more positives than negatives. You should have ideas about what things you like in people and yourself, and what interests and activities that you're passionate about and would like to share with someone. If you start with a laundry list of things that you don't like, that's not just going to be off-putting, it's going to be limiting you to thinking only in those terms, rather than finding something that brings you joy, and finding someone that has that in common with you.

[-] AdolfSchmitler@lemmy.world 9 points 1 month ago

Bingo! It's not always what you say but HOW you say it.

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[-] gcheliotis@lemmy.world 144 points 1 month ago

Well first these are the frequent talking points of incels when they harp on what they consider “low value females”. If you find yourself constantly repeating such devaluing talking points, maybe a break from the internet would do you good. Secondly, and more generally, it is usually more attractive to talk about the things you love than the things you hate. Unless you have already established that you and the other person hate the same things, then you can bond over that too.

[-] Randomgal@lemmy.ca 60 points 1 month ago

This. She probably wasn't disgusted by the content, but by the form of what he said.

[-] Riven@lemmy.dbzer0.com 30 points 1 month ago

I can almmost guarantee this is what it is. One of those isn't even a big deal. If I was single I wouldn't date a single mom, not because there's anything wrong with them but because I'm looking for a serious relationship, and I know I'm not emotionally ready to be a father and I know I never will be.

I don't want kids for that reason. I was raised by a single mom and have seen how difficult it is. Nothing but respect for all of them out there.

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[-] Shard@lemmy.world 21 points 1 month ago

My boi here knows how to hold a conversation.

A skill OOP seems to be severely lacking in

[-] shasta@lemm.ee 29 points 1 month ago

Don't bring object oriented programming into this.

[-] blackn1ght@feddit.uk 16 points 1 month ago

Anons member will forever remain private.

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[-] Stern@lemmy.world 129 points 1 month ago

"I just want a manic pixie dream girl whos never known the touch of a man but is an absolute nymphomaniac and doesn't have sharp knees is that so much to ask???"

[-] dangleheadturtle@sh.itjust.works 18 points 1 month ago

Saving this for when I have to describe my preference to anyone again.

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[-] match@pawb.social 117 points 1 month ago

not having positive preferences to look for but instead having multiple dealbreakers suggests that all women are functionally the same to you except for the ones who you think are lower quality.. that is to say, you are not meaningfully valuing other people

[-] HelixDab2@lemm.ee 16 points 1 month ago

Deal breakers are things that are limits. Limits are--in general--a good thing. It's not that you're saying that women--or people in general--are fungible, but you're saying that people that fit any of these criteria won't work.

IIRC, Dan Savage has said that there's no settling down without settling. You can--should--have limits, but if it's more than five things, you need to look at yourself very, very closely. You aren't going to like every single thing about your partner, but you have to be able to accept them.

I could say, for instance, that I prefer people that are heavily tattooed, pierced, scarred, branded, and implanted. (...Which limits me to about .0001% of the US population.) But that's not a deal breaker; I'm not going to reject someone because they don't fit that particular preference, even though my body modification is important to me. On the other hand, I absolutely will not date anyone that doesn't have a worldview that's grounded in reality, e.g., is religious/"spiritual", or believes in any conspiratorial nonsense, because I couldn't have respect for a person like that. THAT'S a deal breaker. I won't date someone that wants children; I'm unfit to be a parent, and I had myself sterilized a number of years ago. Again: that's a deal breaker, because as with religious garbage, it's a question of basic values.

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[-] RBWells@lemmy.world 77 points 1 month ago

I'm imagining he was an obese single dad scrolling Tinder as he was telling her this.

[-] Gullible@sh.itjust.works 54 points 1 month ago

no girls who are on dating apps like Tinder

But why tho?

[-] accideath@lemmy.world 36 points 1 month ago

A reasonable argument would be because oop sees sex as something special and would like a partner that thinks of it the same way.

In reality, oop probably thinks of woman who are on tinder as worthless sluts and doesn’t want a woman with a higher headcount than him because it bruises his ego.

[-] MossyFeathers@pawb.social 9 points 1 month ago

I too, would be upset if my hypothetical partner had more kills than me. Excuse me, I'm the killing machine here. I'm the one who's body is designed to rip and tear and glide through the air! You're making me look lazy.

How dare u!

(I will almost always take the chance to make fun of the act of using "headcount" or "bodycount" to refer to the number of sexual partners someone has had.)

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[-] Ilovethebomb@lemm.ee 50 points 1 month ago

The third one is pretty weird, it's just the default way to meet people now.

The other two are pretty straightforward.

[-] accideath@lemmy.world 26 points 1 month ago

Tinder is the worst possible way to get to meet people, unless you’re at least a 9/10 guy or a woman who just wants to hook up, nothing more. At least that’s been my experience, both using the app and talking to friends who have. Meaningful connections are rare.

[-] python@programming.dev 16 points 1 month ago

It might be a regional thing? I live in a Town known for its Technical University, so most of the people on Tinder are socially awkward and tech literate 18-25 y/os who either don't like going to noisy places like bars, clubs etc. or just prefer texting first before committing time to a date (free time is kind of hard to make as a student here).

My own reason was more on the autistic side, as I do NOT recognize flirting unless it is specifically stated. So having an app where both parties can state "hey, we're talking with romantic intentions here!!" was the best solution ever haha (I met my husband within 30mins of installing the app 🤷)

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[-] psycho_driver@lemmy.world 37 points 1 month ago

Was she an obese single mom who had met your friend on tinder?

[-] kemsat@lemmy.world 35 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago)

Those are not unreasonable preferences

[-] calcopiritus@lemmy.world 21 points 1 month ago

The tinder one is though. Someone being on tinder doesn't tell you anything about that person. Only that they're looking for either a partner or casual sex.

[-] Rekorse@sh.itjust.works 9 points 1 month ago

You literally just said it tells you nothing and then listed something it tells you.

[-] 0ops@lemm.ee 10 points 1 month ago

Being on tinder doesn't tell anything new given the context of the conversation. Any single girls that anon's friend's gf would consider referring to our apparently-single anon would be interested in one or both of those things whether they were on tinder or not, or they hopefully wouldn't agree to a date.

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[-] Clbull@lemmy.world 27 points 1 month ago

Meanwhile women: 6 foot, 7 figures, 8 inches or move along.

[-] agamemnonymous@sh.itjust.works 25 points 1 month ago

Could an average rowboat support her without capsizing?

[-] harrys_balzac@lemmy.dbzer0.com 14 points 1 month ago

I just say "I'll know when I meet her."

[-] Thcdenton@lemmy.world 12 points 1 month ago

Probably because she was big, had a kid, and was on tinder 😆

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this post was submitted on 29 Sep 2024
461 points (95.6% liked)

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