Ask Lemmy

NTA - if someone describes themself as toxic and then goes on to exhibit extremely toxic behaviour, save yourself the pain and get rid.

PS, removing a condom during sex without permission is a form of rape.

Holy shit. Neither of you are ready for a real relationship.

She is a toxic dirtbag and you need to learn to love yourself more than the person with whom you are in a relationship.

This really freaked me out because on the first time we had sex, she took off my condom without permission and then said, when I didn’t want to go all the way, “You don’t trust me?”

Biggest red flag right there. If you say no and she pressures you, that's more or less sexual assault.

The rest of her behaviour does not sound remotely healthy. It sounds like she was playing your emotions for whatever reason; with the hang ups, not answering, deflecting everything, etc.

You dodged a bullet.

NTA

...the first time we had sex, she took off my condom without permission...

This is sexual assault and illegal in some places. Granted it is normally the reverse, but I believe the law is written so that it goes both ways.

EDIT:
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Non-consensual_condom_removal

1. A ten-year age gap is a huge red flag if one of the two is literally 20 yrs old. No offense to you, but as someone in their 30s, I cannot express just how much of a different place you’re in between 20 and 30. Straight up, 30 yr olds shouldn’t be snooping after 20 yr olds (and yes I know she’s technically 29, but the point def still stands).
2. What she did would be considered sexual assault to many people, myself included. Lying about condom use flies in the face of consent. Not trying to pathologize, but I sincerely hope you’re okay. You mention wanting to kill yourself at one point. Based on everything you said, you should NOT be in a relationship with her toxic ass. Not trying to be cute, but you should consider talking to a therapist about what you had to go through. Cuz that’s a lot for anyone to handle.
3. Fuck ICE
4. Break up, move on, and good luck.

Everyone sucks here.

she took off my condom without permission

Removing a condom without consent during sex is sexual assault. You're absolutely right to break off a relationship or go no-contact for this. In many jurisdictions, you could press criminal charges.

I even called an old coworker to ask if she had her citizenship because I was trying to avoid child support.

That's not OK even if you're very scared.

She raped you and then joked about exploiting you and a child for money.

NTA

That's not your gut telling you something is wrong. That is your reason, your logic telling you something is wrong, because something IS wrong.

Forcing unprotected sex on someone is rape. Putting it in context with the age gap, it's predatory as hell.

If this is real, you did the right thing. Learn from this experience.

Nta, and not shaming you at all op—I was twenty once too—this go for everyone that needs to read it: when someone tells you they're 'toxic', believe it (and fucking run).

AITA for breaking up

No.

I would say she seemed toxic imo. Good thing you left. I would probably say the only thing you could have done better was to be direct and break things off straight away. Or try to explain to her why she made you uncomfortable instead.

NTA it sounds like she has a very poor sense of humor and doesn't care who she hurts. Taking of a condom without your partner's consent is extremely f-ed up. It's a form of SA.

The only thing you did that rubs me the wrong way is asking about her citizenship as leverage. I understand you were acting out of fear due to a situation she created. Still though, it's pretty scary to be Latin right now and even more so if you're not a citizen. Still nta.

I'm always assuming devils advocate whenever I see these posts. I gave up halfway through the first paragraph. The first time its nothing more than a distasteful joke and is ultimately probably pretty funny when all is said and done. The fourth time is a repeat offender and it was always intentional get the fuck out of there holy shit dawg RUN.

But am I wrong for dumping her?

Fuck nah, that shits fucked up bro. The only way I would get back together if she agreed to go to therapy with me; IMO she herself has some deep seated trust issues that it seems she's not entirely aware of.

I don't think anyone is an asshole for breaking up with someone - no one is owed someone staying in a relationship they hate.

Sounds like she is a garbage person that you should not date, talk to, or even acknowledge exists anymore. Go to a Dr. and get an STD panel ran.

BUT:

I even called an old coworker to ask if she had her citizenship because I was trying to avoid child support

You are an asshole for that. Be better next time. Learn from this, if a relationship feels this bad, especially so shortly into it, dip out as directly and clearly as you can.

She’s a crazy person.

You were wrong for having a relationship with a coworker. Don't shit where you eat as they say. I would avoid any girls like this. removed the condom. wtf. I would assume she was inviting anal at that point.

Nope.

Just disregarding everything, you are free to end a relationship whenever you want for any reason, period.

The only line I’m confused about is “she didn’t text you for the entire day”

So she was taking a day… so?

Am I missing something there?

Other than that, taking off the condom without permission is not cool. But why didn’t you stop the interaction at that point? Did she have you tied down or restrained where you couldn’t stop her? What prevented you from stopping things?