this post was submitted on 16 Mar 2026
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Tell me I'm not overreacting (lemmy.world)
submitted 14 hours ago by AHamSandwich@lemmy.world to c/relationship_advice@lemmy.world
30 comments fedilink hide all child comments
 

I am feeling insecure and scared right now. My husband of ten years and I have been separated for about a year. Things are up and down but we've been seeing a therapist. He has a history of aggressive driving. Today, he was driving fast, then passed a slower car in a no passing zone going 30 MPH over the speed limit. It scared me. When I said something, his initial response was "either I passed them or I was going to be angry behind them the entire time", then later that he should have warned me first. No apology.

I felt uncomfortable so I asked him to pull over. He did, and I explained I felt unsafe so I'd be more comfortable if I drove for awhile. He refused and told me "I just don't care about your safety or comfort right now", then explained it was because he was angry with me about something that happened earlier. What. The. Fuck. He's angry so my safety isn't important? Fuck you, dude.

I told him I'd get a ride to my house and left the car. He got angry and called me ridiculous and melodramatic, ordering me to get back in the car like I was a child. I started to walk away so he yelled insults at me and ridiculed me. I was so embarrassed. My friend picked me up and took me home.

My car is still at his house. He texts me later, telling we he'll move it to a nearby street and tape the key to the wheel well. I ask him not to and he ignores me. Then he says that he's thinking he might stop therapy after "my behavior". That's right: this motherfucker is mad at ME for walking away when he said he didn't care about my safety after I tell him his driving is scaring me. He didn't apologize for any of this beyond "I'm sorry things went the way they did", then began texting about his hurt feelings.

I was writing this to ask for a sanity check but after reading it I know I'm now getting a divorce. Fuck.

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[–] rimu@piefed.social 4 points 5 hours ago

It sounds as if he intentionally drove dangerously to make you scared because he was angry with you. Then gaslit you about it.

Pretty abusive.

[–] KokusnussRitter@discuss.tchncs.de 9 points 8 hours ago

You are not overreacting. If someone, let alone my spouse(!) told me they did not care about my safety, I'd get up and leave. You made the right call.

[–] RBWells@lemmy.world 10 points 10 hours ago

Yeah no. That's not an overreaction. Driving too fast is one thing - but in your car and because he is angry? That is using the car as a weapon. My husband enjoys going fast but he would not if I said too fast, because he's not crazy or angry.

I can almost see his point if I squint, if he slowed down and you then got out of the car, to him there was no risk anymore, right? but if he's too angry to drive safely, and can't even look at his own actions and say "yeah, sorry, that was asshole behavior I was just irritated by the slow driver" he is too wrapped up in his own feelings and blaming you or the slow car not himself for the shitty driving, that's bullshit.

[–] Mac@mander.xyz 18 points 12 hours ago (2 children)

I would literally never get into a car with this person ever again, regardless of relationship.

[–] AHamSandwich@lemmy.world 7 points 8 hours ago

Funny, because that was the deal after his aggressive driving almost caused a serious accident. I refused to let him drive if I was in the car for years. He promised to do better in therapy so I was giving him a chance. This was our third car ride together.

Done.

[–] FatVegan@leminal.space 2 points 7 hours ago

I wouldn't even talk to a person who behaves like this.

[–] Skyrmir@lemmy.world 10 points 10 hours ago* (last edited 8 hours ago) (1 children)

Are you asking if you should still be getting divorced, or if you should be asking for a restraining order?

Get your shit back and end any contact that's not through a lawyer. That's to protect your safety.

Notify the police your husband has an anger problem, and you're worried about your safety.

Once that's done, get a gun, have a lawyer warn him about non-contact, and don't hesitate to defend yourself with lethal force if needed. No one is going to rescue you before he could kill you. If you can't handle the lethal force of stopping him, you need to be living with someone who can and will. That's why you notify him and the cops before hand. The cops know, he knows, and if he still shows up to start shit, that's his fault, you end it.

[–] AHamSandwich@lemmy.world 5 points 8 hours ago

We're absolutely divorcing. I think a restraining order is a good idea too, thank you.

[–] Limonene@lemmy.world 28 points 13 hours ago (1 children)

I'm not an expert on relationships, but here's some car advice:

A driver is always responsible for their passengers' safety. If he doesn't care about your safety, as shown by driving 30MPH over the limit, by passing illegally, and by saying "I just don't care about your safety", you should never ride with him again unless he shows some serious changes.

Getting out of the car was the right move. Don't let anyone guilt you for that.

[–] AHamSandwich@lemmy.world 2 points 7 hours ago

This isn't the first time this has happened, just the first in years because I refused to let him drive with me in the car. This is also the last time this is happening. We're absolutely divorcing.

[–] Small_Quasar@lemmy.world 30 points 13 hours ago

Not overacting in the slightest.

He doesn't give a shit about your safety or your feelings.

[–] newtraditionalists@kbin.melroy.org 18 points 13 hours ago

He sounds like the type of moron who claims women are overly emotional while completely ignoring that anger is an emotion. The story you tell shows he has no emotional regulation skills, like worse than a 10 year old. You know what to do. It will be hard and suck a lot, but it will be worth the effort. Hang in there, you got this!

[–] superduperpirate@lemmy.world 20 points 14 hours ago

After reading all that, you’re absolutely not overreacting. Divorce him and get him out of your life.

[–] bunkyprewster@startrek.website 15 points 14 hours ago

He's dangerous and disrespectful. You pass the sanity check. He's not a safe person to be around. You deserve better.

[–] Strider@lemmy.world 5 points 11 hours ago

This sounds very dangerous and poisonous, I have a feeling in your ten years there's a lot of red flags.

[–] elbucho@lemmy.world 8 points 12 hours ago (1 children)

Jesus, please tell me you don't have kids with this fucking moron. Glad you're getting a divorce. If you do have kids with him, please for the love of Jebus, don't ever let him drive them anywhere.

[–] AHamSandwich@lemmy.world 4 points 7 hours ago

No kids, thankfully. We did have a pregnancy that ended in miscarriage and I feel terrible that I'm so relieved at the moment.

[–] cabbage@piefed.social 7 points 12 hours ago* (last edited 12 hours ago)

Threatening to stop therapy he obviously sorely needs in order to punish you for being reasonable?

Therapy is not going to work for this guy if his attitude is that he doesn't need it, and he's only doing it as a favour to you (or to get you to shut up about it). They're not magicians, they cannot fix someone who comes at it with the attitude there's no problem nothing to fix. He clearly thinks he's going there because you need it.

Get away, he is not going to improve.

[–] Lifecoach5000@lemmy.world 7 points 12 hours ago

People don’t take driving a 2 ton death machine seriously enough. How many car wrecks has he been out of curiosity?

[–] dumples@piefed.social 6 points 12 hours ago (1 children)

If you were married for 10 years to someone who says “I just don’t care about your safety or comfort right now” you have to ignore your own body / guts / instincts / intuition to stay in that relationship. You started listening again when you decided to divorce him. Your instincts were right to get out of the car. It makes sense that you need validation of choices for a while.

I do agree with you soon to be ex-husband that couples therapy is over. You don't need it because you should be done with the relationship. You (and definitely him) should do individual therapy for a while. You need someone to help you grow your own confidence to make decisions. And congratulations on you divorce!!!

[–] AHamSandwich@lemmy.world 3 points 7 hours ago (1 children)

I am in individual therapy, which is what led me to move out. For so long there was this hope against hope that he'd get his act together, and he did a bit, just little bits here and there, but never enough to be a good or safe spouse. After this, I'm done.

[–] dumples@piefed.social 2 points 7 hours ago

Sounds like he wanted to get his act together not to make himself better but just which to appease you. That doesn't make someone healthier or better. Sounds like someone who needs to lose you to learn his lessons. Maybe he will be better for his next spouse but that's not your job anymore.

You are doing great. Congratulations and best of luck. You know what you should do. Trust yourself

[–] frustrated_phagocytosis@fedia.io 7 points 12 hours ago (1 children)

You'll feel a lot better if you end things and never talk to this person again. The relief of not having to anticipate an abusive partner's mood swings is amazing. Yeah you have to grieve over the broken relationship but that's better than maybe dying in a car crash waiting for him to change (he won't, not for you anyway).

[–] AHamSandwich@lemmy.world 3 points 7 hours ago

Fuck. All of these comments helped, but yours nailed it. It's exactly right. I cried a little.

I'm tired of the mood swings, the walking on egg shells, being told what was said to be okay one day is now bad the next so he's now angry with me.

This just happened too! I was running late for an appointment on Friday and let him know. I didn't ask him to, but he did some chores for me. I thanked him and got a "we're partners and we support each other". Come Sunday, he's angry I was late and he "had to do those chores for me". He didn't. I CANNOT wait to divorce this bastard.

[–] Keeponstalin@lemmy.world 8 points 13 hours ago

Divorce 100%

[–] shittydwarf@sh.itjust.works 8 points 14 hours ago

No sanity check needed, just reread what you wrote if you ever have any doubts

[–] Clent@lemmy.dbzer0.com 6 points 13 hours ago

Yep. Sometimes writing it down helps to see how crazy the situation and behaviors have been.

I would suggest a personal therapist if you don't already have one.

[–] NutinButNet@hilariouschaos.com 5 points 13 hours ago

So it sounds like he did that on purpose with some intention you’d be injured because he was angry with you..? That’s scary…and he’s involving strangers in this violence too, which just adds to that. What else is he capable of if this is how he’s handling his anger and he’s aware of it?

Like it’s one thing to react in anger and not realize you did something stupid in anger, but this dude straight up admitted it with full consciousness and maybe even pride. Granted, he was probably still angry, but that’s probably worse since he’s holding to anger for much longer than is reasonable and maybe even over something that didn’t deserve anger in the first place, perhaps? Worrying that he is not managing this after therapy sessions and doing things like you had suggested, letting you take the wheel when he feels this upset.

It sounds like he needs anger management on his own in his own therapy. If he keeps acting this way, his best outcome is going to be involuntary if not a worse outcome meeting the wrong person who’s not going to care how he’s feeling.

But either way, you do what you have to, to protect yourself.

[–] HubertManne@piefed.social 5 points 13 hours ago

Funny thing is my wife is more likely to act like this than me but unlike your husband she recognizes it as bad behaviour and stops and apologizes. She would never say some of those things to. Thats pretty wack talk. Yeah get out asap.

[–] Hello_there@fedia.io 4 points 13 hours ago

Sounds like you shouldn't drive with him