No Stupid Questions

My mother died 11 months ago. Brain cancer.
I just kept going. If I had to go to work, I did. If I had to take a minute or 20 to collect myself at a random moment, I took it.

Before her diagnosis in December of 2024, we were planing on her visiting, and us going to see White Sands a couple hours away from my place. I took the trip last April, just me and a little urn. That was a good trip. A few days mostly alone in a quiet place.

It worried my father, my going by myself. But I reminded him, even as a kid I always wanted solitude when I was upset, this wasn't any different.

But that's me. You should trust yourself. ~~Greve~~ Grieve how you feel is right for you.

I lost my mom to cancer when I was 21. She was the only parent I had. She was 47.

To say it messed me up is a world class understatement. And on top of that crushing loss, I had a woman break my heart about 4 months after she died. I was drunk for about 7 years.

But honestly what turned it around for me was, of course, time and surprisingly starting a family of my own.

I'm not recommending alcoholism or having children as a recourse to losing a parent. What I'm saying is time, and living your life, will help.

It sucks, and the pain is horrendous, but hang in there. This too shall pass.

I'm happy for you that you had a parent that made you feel loved enough to miss them.

I'm sorry, friend. Take the time to sit with it. Remember the good times. Tell him how you feel.

First of all take the time to grieve. It's a big loss and an empty space. It's OK to be sad even at what people say are the wrong times. It is your loss and your sadness.

Carry your fathers memory with you. That doesn't mean you have to be sad, but it is ok if you are, no matter how long it has been.

I would recommend when you really miss him, either do something that you know would make him proud of you, or an activity that you may have done together or wanted to do together and then when you're done, enjoy the memory of his smile knowing he would have had fun doing that with you or he would have enjoyed the fact that he raised you to be able to do whatever it is you accomplished.

No matter what, just remember in the end this is your loss. Process it howyou need to.

So sorry for your loss.

I ain't over it and that's ok.

still very hard to see pics. a few have snuck in here and there and it's fucking jolting.

a few dreams were not good at first then I had one that wasn't bad and I felt a little better.

time heals a little. it's not supposed to feel good but it does serve as a life marker of ..hey that will happen to us too.

live!

My dad died last year. I still miss him but it gets better with time. Being around other family helps if that is possible for you. If not maybe try doing something in their memory. Take up a hobby they were into or something

It really is hard mate and I'm glad you're reaching out. When I need my dad I go to !dadforaminute@lemmy.world and get a pep talk advice or any kind of dad moment. Loads of lemmy dads post there

Having had a parent die, I can tell you that the feeling never goes away, but it does get easier.

What's the best memory you have of your dad?

My mom died 5 years ago. We used to hang out every day, she was the best person I've ever known. I think people mourn in different ways. Some prefer not to think about it. For me, I wanted to remember her more and talk about her, look at photos etc. A quote that stuck with me from that time is something like this: When a loved person dies, they leave a huge hole behind. The hole never gets smaller, but you grow around it. Turned out to be true.

I get that. My dad passed away when I was 19. I’m in my 50s now, and I still miss him. Not as much as I used to, but there will be a great song come on that reminds of him, or how he’d be impressed with my kid. And just every now and then I think about how he’d totally love all the technology we have these days. Man, this thread hit me in the feels.

I’m just saying that it gets easier over time, but it’s always there. YMMV

The best advice might come off dickish since the question is about how to deal with parents death. Do everything you can while they are alive answer their calls listen to their advice and just listen dont argue. Take them on vacations with you take them out to diner often. Learn what they like to eat and cook for them, have an open door policy with them. Invite them often and make them a priority. So when the borrowed time is up you will have no regrets. Hug them like its the last time whenever you see them and most importantly be patient with them as it will come a day when you will not be able to do any of the above and you will trade it all for one more call from them!

You cry less day after day.

But it takes time, for me it was years.

I am happy for you that you miss your parent.

My mother was a vitriolic nasty bitch who I had cut out of my life so when she finally died it was a relief to see the rest of my siblings be done with her madness.

My father has had cognizant decline for about ten years now and is pretty much at the point where he is just corpse walking around trying not to shit and piss his pants. Dude has three PHDs, has written well over 20 textbooks and was a college professor for decades. Now he can’t even read a menu. It is tough to watch and it is past time for him to die.

This might sound odd, but keep talking to them like they can hear you. Tell them how you feel. I don't know why, but it helps a lot.

Mom and dad are separated, physically and matrimonially, for a decade or two now. Separately, they're each on their slope.

I have NO hope of coping with their loss. I'm mom's PoA, so we're somewhat ready, but I'm not ready.

The fact that billions of people have gone through this in the last 30 years, that doesn't help one little bit. I'm scared as hell.

I lost my mom back in January. I was luckily already going to a therapist who helped me deal with the initial shock and panic of her no longer being in my daily life. It's still hard knowing I can't speak to her about random bullshit daily like I used to. I guess I just have small moments where I talk to her ashes as if she was still here since I knew her well enough to know how she'd react.

Dissociation, mostly.

My dad died when I was 16, it sucked so bad. We were close and I was not so close to my mom. It just gets smaller and smaller until it's manageable. Grief is one thing that there is no way out but through, you shouldn't wallow but you have to feel it or it will be worse.

My mom died when she was old and I was more ready for that, and think she was too. That didn't hurt as much at all because I had more time to know it was coming, so I guess the emotional work happened beforehand.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

Not that it’s the same, but I lost my best friend to a fentanyl overdose two and a half years ago. The first year was incredibly hard. There were so many times every day that something would happen and I’d want to talk to him about it. I got pretty depressed for a while. The next year it was a little easier. Those times that I wanted to tell him something were more like once a week instead of once a day. This year it’s been easier. I still miss him like crazy.

I printed out a wedding photo wall for me and my wife, and since he was my best man, we had a lot of photos of him. I printed some really big ones of him, and they’re displayed prominently on the wall. They make me happy when I see them, but I still feel that loss.

I don’t think I’ll ever stop missing him and wanting to talk to him, but I don’t cry anymore when I think about him. It still hurts, but a lot less.

I guess that is to say, grief gets easier, but you never stop experiencing it. It gets easier to think about the fun times and laugh instead of cry.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's so hard! Lost my mom in 2023 and I miss her everyday. I was a mess for the first few months - worse than i realized. My thoughts of her are now mostly happy memories and things i want to tell her. I talk to her a lot and i talk to her pets about her.

There's no one right away to grieve. Be gentle on yourself.

I haven't yet but:

• if it's my dad, I would rejoice with a good beer
• if it's my mom, I would grief for a few weeks I guess

My mother had dementia but that didn't kill her. Diverticulitis in her intestines ruptured and she died from sepsis. It was pretty awful, she was in a lot of pain and hospice was brutal because it didn't Help her pass for 7 days. Watching a parent shut down over the course of a week and having nurses who are more or less butchers with syringes make up stories because they're sadistic about what your mother is going through and when she's going to pass and all of the in between made my last few days with her days I will never forget.

I haven't had a parent die, but a close friend. As others have said, it sucks, it's hard, it comes in waves. Gradually the waves fade into ripples that just become part of who you are.

Long term, one of the things that helped me most with grieving is the Mexican concept of the three deaths, which I picked up initially through the Pixar film Coco. The idea is basically that people live on beyond physical death in the memories of others. To me this isn't all that different to normal memories of living people (that you haven't seen in a while). Those people still influence the thoughts and emotions and actions of the people who knew them, and in that way they continue to be part of the living world.

Idk, it doesn't change the fact that they are gone, but it makes it also feel like they are still here in a way that means the love that existed before is still here too.

Extremely poorly but I keep going because I hate the alternative!

Sorry for your loss. I like the analogy of the box and the ball to describe how grief works initially then changes overtime.

There's no one "right" way to deal with it, for starters. People will give lots of advice and describe a bunch of scenarios but don't feel like you "should" do it any particular way or that you're doing something wrong if you grieve in your own way.

For me, I "talk" to my dad now and then. It's been six years now and I still find comfort in doing that. I'm an atheist, I don't believe he's actually hearing me, it's just a thing I do that feels nice psychologically. I've been imagining I'm keeping him "up to date" on stuff, since one of the things I told him on his deathbed was that I'd let him know "how it all turned out" - he was always future-focused and I'm sure it annoyed him that he wouldn't be around to see it.

I wouldn't worry too much about any deep and meaningful "final words" and such, though. I think the words that were exchanged throughout life were just as important, if not moreso.

I don't know yet, but I'm sorry that you're having to go through it

This post and the comment from Lupus helped me a lot when my dad passed away: https://lemmy.world/post/22499928?sort=Top

My own advice is to do what feels right if you can. As my emotions cascaded over me when the doctor told us he was gone, one image went through my head. I saw myself throwing a rock into the lake my grandparents had a cabin on when I was growing up, from the boat landing my dad would walk to with my brother and me to skip rocks. So a day or two later my brother and I drove back to the lake, trespassed around the old cabin to soak in the memories, then skipped rocks for a while. I still suck at skipping rocks, and it didn’t fix things, but it was a little cathartic.

You miss them but they are in a much better place now. This place is the hard one. Next one is vacation.

I did not cope well.

Here is my hard earned advice: Go by thier grave as much as you need to. Sit and talk as long as you want. Cry as much as you want/ can.

That is a space where you are allowed to grieve. this is a space where you are allowed to be sad. Tell them your recent achievements. Tell them your frustrations.

Pray for advice. Tell them to poke the Devine, fate, or entropy to favor your way. sit at the grave and look at the sky. Diacuss anything.

What ever it takes. drive for hours on end. turn on a video game that you don't have to think about. Clean if you must.

Eat at least 1 meal. drink water at least. Make thier recipes mix thier favorite drinks.

Smell thier clothes. Hug thier clothes. Store them. And or be rid of them.

What ever it takes.

Hang in there.