this post was submitted on 18 Jul 2025
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Update: canceled. Thanks for all your thoughts and opinions! I didn't even mention the Terrifier gifs he'd sent re: our first date. πŸ˜…

So I'm about two weeks out of a year-ish long relationship, but even if I wasn't, I think this guy I'm seeing tonight would give me the willies. I decided to jump back on the horse pretty quickly - that relationship had been fizzling for awhile and I didnt really feel the need to mope on about it.

Anyway, I got onto Facebook dating and have and a few nice dates with a couple guys. I'm supposed to go out for the first time with this guy tonight, and I was really excited at first. We've chatted a lot of jokes, memes, silly things already. But I get the sense that he may be a "falls hard and fast" sort of person. He's made a few sexual innuendos I've largely ignored. He's also already referred to the zero dates we've had so far as "dating" and asked if I want kids. When I let him know that I didn't want any biological children but may be open to adopting at some point and told him why (gestures at the world), he said he wants at least one bio kid. I let him know it was fine to cancel since we're on different pages there, but he insisted he's really excited to meet me. Then he said he actually wants two lol.

He's already texted me this morning a pretty deep-cut picture of me from Facebook with, "Can you judge me for wanting to kiss this girl?" or something like that. I know it was a mistake to let him have my profile so soon, and what's worse is there was a picture of my house on there I feel like he could reverse image for my address. I've deleted that pic, but even feeling like I needed to for this guy probably means I need to not meet him, right? Or am I overreacting? It's just a movie date, nothing fancy, and I can leave if I'm skeezed, but wanted to get an unbiased take on if my pre-skeeze seems warranted. Maybe I just need to be more clear on him slowing tf down?

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[–] Cheradenine@sh.itjust.works 86 points 3 days ago

You already don't have a good vibe from him, and life goals sound incompatible. If he made one sexual innuendo and you didn't respond to it, then he continued doing so he doesn't respect your boundaries.

Hard pass

[–] SippyCup@feddit.nl 72 points 3 days ago

That sounds like a guy who would sabotage a condom.

That sounds like a guy who insists on driving.

That sounds like a guy who will get problematically jealous.

Cancel the date, if he reacts like an adult you can always reschedule. I suspect he won't.

[–] SkyezOpen@lemmy.world 41 points 3 days ago (1 children)

Facebook dating

I made a decision here and everything that followed reinforced it.

πŸ˜… yep, fair

[–] SoftestSapphic@lemmy.world 37 points 3 days ago* (last edited 3 days ago) (1 children)

You know you are incompatible because of the kids comments.

He doesn't take your decision to not have kids seriously.

It sounds from this info like he doesn't respect you and wants sex, so if you want sex with a jerk then there it is.

Also facebook has to be the bottom of the barrel when it comes to dating.

[–] Goodmorningsunshine@lemmy.world 15 points 3 days ago (2 children)

I haven't used it before now, but anything I was on in the past seems heavily enshittified. I wish I was easier to meet people in the wild!

[–] WhyJiffie@sh.itjust.works 10 points 3 days ago (1 children)

isn't facebook in its entirety also enshittified?

[–] Witchfire@lemmy.world 13 points 3 days ago* (last edited 3 days ago)

Facebook is a porta potty on the last day of a 3-day music and cheese festival

[–] Habahnow@sh.itjust.works 2 points 3 days ago (1 children)

Not sure where you live, but look for hiking date events, bars with single nights, etc. Usually more guys which is great for you. The few I've ever gone to were very casual and fun and I've made some cool friends.

[–] Glytch@lemmy.world 22 points 3 days ago (1 children)

Cancel, you are already on different pages regarding a major relationship subject and he's digging through your Facebook for kissable pictures.

The first one is a yellow flag and could potentially be worked out.

The second one is a bright red flag that creeps me the fuck out. I can understand looking through someone's profile to figure out the kind of person you're about to spend 3 hours in the dark with, but not sending that "Can you judge me for wanting to kiss this girl?". That's weird and creepy.

[–] JackbyDev@programming.dev 2 points 3 days ago

Me digging through Facebook for pictures of kissable people: "Can you blame me for wanting to kiss these people? They're all so kissable!"

[–] forrgott 21 points 3 days ago (2 children)

You tried to cancel, he refused to accept that. Huge fucking red flag! He also ignored your clearly started desire for no kids.

The rest of it sounds like love bombing, a really disgusting tactic mostly used by abusive individuals to get you to doubt your own thoughts and feelings. But really, I strongly suggest you do some web searches regarding love bombing.

[–] bizarroland@lemmy.world 19 points 3 days ago* (last edited 3 days ago)

I think there's a lot of misinformation about love bombing. Some people just get really interested in others and spend a lot of time and energy being cutesy. This is not a psychotic manipulation tactic. This is just actual interest in another human being.

The problem with love bombing is that it is very difficult to tell the difference between the two, so some people have defensively started saying that everybody that does it is love bombing because they're a psycho as a self-defense mechanism, and that's just not the case.

That being said, I think this person is putting out weird vibes.

If you're at the point where you're posting on lemmy about how you don't want to go out with this person, that should be all of the information you need to know that you should not go out with this person.

[–] victorz@lemmy.world 6 points 3 days ago (1 children)

You tried to cancel, he refused to accept that.

Do you mean this?

I let him know it was fine to cancel since we're on different pages there, but he insisted he's really excited to meet me.

I interpreted that as her giving him a chance to cancel, but he didn't take that offer. πŸ€”

[–] forrgott 5 points 3 days ago (1 children)

I get your point. I guess I made some assumptions there. Still feels like a big red flag that he handwaved a very big difference in their desired outcomes.

In other words, it doesn't sound like he respects her wishes at all.

[–] victorz@lemmy.world 0 points 3 days ago (1 children)

πŸ€·β€β™‚οΈ He might want kids, and she doesn't, but that doesn't mean he doesn't want to just have some fun before settling down. Maybe they can do so together before parting ways. Lots of men and women and others date this way, just to have some fun and move along. I don't, I'm a long-lasting-relationship kind of fella.

Maybe he's fine with not having kids with her. Maybe he's even so based that he respects her wishes and just wants to meet to see what happens. Maybe they'll fall in love so hard that he's willing to accept not having two biological kids.

We just don't know.

[–] forrgott 2 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago) (1 children)

None of that is an excuse to brush such a significant issue aside.

[–] victorz@lemmy.world 0 points 2 days ago

such a financial issue

What financial issue?

If it were me, I'd cancel. I'm getting bad vibes just reading this post.

[–] bacon_pdp@lemmy.world 17 points 3 days ago

If the vibe is wrong, just say no and move on.

[–] jubilationtcornpone@sh.itjust.works 16 points 3 days ago (2 children)

That's a toss-up for me. Maybe give it one date and see how it goes?

Pre-skeeze is not unwarranted but not enough info to know if full on skeeze is. If nothing else it would give you a good sense about whether he's just enthusiastic or whether he's more attracted to his idealized version of you. That said, if he's making you uncomfortable, you should make that clear. His response will tell you what you need to know.

This is great advice! Thank you

[–] Coskii@lemmy.blahaj.zone 1 points 3 days ago

I'm in agreement. Pre-skeezed vibes are definitely there.. But the reasons for them might be something really stupid. Give it a shot, leave it the skeeze persists.

[–] pastermil@sh.itjust.works 12 points 3 days ago (1 children)

Cancel.

Anyway, what's Facebook dating?

[–] P00ptart@lemmy.world 2 points 3 days ago (1 children)

Facebook got a dating section like 8-10 years ago maybe? Same basic thing as every dating app, but no need to create another profile.

[–] pastermil@sh.itjust.works 1 points 3 days ago

I have never heard of it!

[–] Geodad@lemmy.world 11 points 3 days ago

Sounds like he doesn't respect boundaries if he keeps pressing for kids.

I would drop him, and maybe get a gun or some pepper spray for protection.

[–] uawarebrah@sh.itjust.works 8 points 3 days ago

It’s important to be on the same page regarding kids. I’m a bit older now but I’ve seen many relationships fall apart due to this. The other person usually WONT change so if that’s a line in the sand better not even go there.

[–] Tylerdurdon@lemmy.world 9 points 3 days ago

Dude sounds needy as heck already. Heck, I'm tired of him and haven't even met the guy! πŸ˜†

[–] Flax_vert@feddit.uk 6 points 3 days ago* (last edited 3 days ago)

I don't see why you should waste your time or his time if you're on different pages about something as critical about having children.

Seems a bit weird (especially the "You don't want any ? I want one ! No ! Two !")

Personally, as a child-free person, if someone I was interested in wanted bio kids, I’d immediately stop being interested because that’s not something you can compromise on. It’s a fundamental incompatibility, imho.

It sounds like you aren’t really hurting for options, so, you know.. probably not worth the effort.

The sooner you get rid of him the better.

[–] Stern@lemmy.world 3 points 3 days ago (1 children)

Is he a Chinese military parade cuz that is a lot of red flags.

[–] BuboScandiacus@mander.xyz 2 points 3 days ago

Stealing this one