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A few years ago, I helped a lady carry a suitcase up some stairs, which was not much smaller than her. I had hooked my finger under the handle as she tried to lift it. When we reached the top of the stairs, I decided to just unhook and keep walking, without saying a word, purely because I did not want it to become awkward. π₯΄
Altruism.
You'll also see this in the negative too. People not paying attention on subway platforms or in the street with get shoulder-checked for getting in the way. It's not nice, but if that sinks in as something "not to do", then someone opted to be a heel for a moment to make things better for others.
Heβs just a dad.
dad recognise dad
π€π₯π€
I have done this before but I was sure to make a hand motion imitating lifting and raised eyebrows first, and wait for a nod. No matter how much someone's struggling I'm not going to assume their ok with me touching their stuff or putting my hand near their kid. We goblins can't be too careful.
Same here.
No matter what, one can't just assume the other person wants it or even will be alright with it - it's not up to me to decide what's best for others hence I offer my help, not impose anything on anybody.
If they don't want it (which happens at times), fair enough.
Some folk are just instinctively helpful
I had a guy do this once when I was struggling to get my laundry bag into my cart. He just used his free hand to steady the cart for me, but didn't stop his phone call.
As in introvert this is exactly how I envision most of my ideal interactions working.
I'm noticing more and more commuters on my bus rides that regularly take the same line. I almost want to point it out and finally say hello but my introversion is strong.
Also people are looking for romantic partners on the busses? I never would have guessed but my city has a insta account dedicated to "Missed Connections" and people are blowing it up searching for Mr. Right lol
Maybe I don't recommend it, but my bus love story is cute so I'll share. Moved from a small town to a big (ish) city for college and took the bus every day. So did one of my neighbors who I recognized to be from a neighboring small town. Whenever the bus was busy we'd sit together, and nearby if not. We are both SUPER introverted but after a year we knew each other pretty well. She would try to catch pokemon when the bus would slow down which was always an exciting moment. Then when YuGiOh Dual Links came out we were both playing it non-stop (I wish that game didn't power creep so much, or I'd still be playing it).
Anyway, we'd sometimes run into each other on walks and then walk together. Share baked goods and all that. But YuGiOh was what actually gave us an excuse to hang out (so we could play each other). We were both busy with college and so we had "the talk" where we basically both said we weren't interested in a romantic relationship at the time. I think we both meant it, but somehow it made us relax around each other more. Suddenly we were best friends (with benefits), going out to eat, doing homework together, making sure we took the same bus as much as possible. It was really easy and not a demanding thing. We both knew we were busy and had goals, we just also tried to spend time together when we could. After probably four months of that we realized we were in love and just pretending we were too busy for commitment. Nothing changed and today we're happily married and still working hard on our careers. But we play Magic The Gathering now.
I have a decently strong in-person social anxiety that I bash my way through on a regular basis, it's exhausting, but I need to make the connections sometimes for my kids.
I can only offer you anecdotal evidence, but it's rarely worth it. The vast majority seem to have some major dysfunction. Racist, sexist, abusive, anti-science, anti-climate, conspiracy theorist, narcissist, It's like we can't survive as a species without ticking at least a few truly unsavory checkboxes. I get it, we're all different, and there are a bunch of disappointing checkboxes that I dgaf about and overlook.
You can find tons of people with whom you can hold a 5-minute enjoyable conversation. Just don't go too deep.
We seem, as a species, to do best when we have a common thing to complain about. It bridges gaps and usually gets the least rejection. A tiny pop of sarcasm about something that is going wrong in a shared experience will often net you a quick, low energy conversation.
Racist, sexist, abusive, anti-science, anti-climate, conspiracy theorist, narcissist,
We are all a walking version of our (last) mistake, error, fight, trauma, loss, fear, etc.
We all bear them, and for some they are all consuming. But they need not be.
I don't think they really are, but there's lots of lonely people out there open to chance encounters. Transit's one of those rare spaces where diverse groups of humans gather, and chances are attend on a frequent schedule. Most folks on transit would prefer you just leave them alone, but hey, you never know. I've met people/had good conversations on busses before.
A thought: if you see one of these regulars again, try giving a nice compliment (with strangers, nice = one that doesn't involve their body - think a cool book they're carrying, t-shirt, dangly thing on a backpack, cool shoes, etc.) and a question (open ended if you feel like trying for a conversation, closed is fine if that seems daunting). Sometimes cool shit can follow - worst thing that generally happens (so long as you follow the advice afterwards) is you're told to fuck off. A lot of the time, it's something in a middle - the question gets answered, you might say "Awesome! Well I hope you have a great day" with a smile and go sit, and the stranger moves on with (maybe) a little boost. That ain't nothing - lots of us could use those little boosts. All of of a sudden you might see yourself mentioned in those missed connection posts, lol.
Despite having my own hot-and-cold periods over it, I truly feel we need to talk to strangers in meatspace as a whole more often.
Ugh small talk. I only do big talks. Anyone wanna discuss which religion is the real one? (None of them)
Man, it's rare, but those moments you can get big talk from strangers in the wild are fucking gold. But it's unlikely you get there without a little small talk.
I'd love this one in the wild, assuming a participant that doesn't get stabby when I try to establish religious stories as fiction and allegories from the outset so we can get to the good stuff (the interesting, if flawed, potential religion carries to communicate a shared conception of humanity that can transcend kin, tribal or geographical affiliations. Maybe religion itself doesn't survive, but there's some useful stuff you can try and take away from it while discarding sheer bullshit.)
Edit: you know what? I'm stealing this as a one-liner for folks who say "I'm not really into small talk" in response to random chatter (though with more of a 'lol, j/k, enjoy your day' approach).
This is shocking to people who live in the suburbs. People in big cities are used to being around people and understand that they are "neighbors" to all people around them. Suburbanites are terrified of strangers and cities because they can't fathom not driving a 4-ton SUV to a parking lot as a precursor to anything in life.
This really is an east coast / west coast thing though.
West coasters are more insular and stereotypically suburbanite.
Nice but not kind.
Not outwardly hostile but won't break their own protected little bubble to help a stranger, usually.
East coast, we'll tell you you're an idiot for hitting that piece of slag in the road while helping you change a tire.
Kind, but not nice.
We go out of our way sometimes to help, but you're gonna get an earful or no conversation at all (as in OP's story).
It wasn't until I moved to the Northeast that I can hear aggressive yelling outside and the convo will go "Ayy go fuck yourself!"β"Oh ho fuck you too!"β"Tell John I said hi, have a great weekend!" And they walk off laughing.
Exactly this! Cities have such a bad reputation for being impersonal and anonymous, but in reality that just means people here are way more willing to trust strangers.
A few months ago my partner and I were struggling to parallel park late in the evening (we rarely drive, that day was an exception where we borrowed his mom's car to transport some larger items) and a random guy saw us struggle and offered to help. We absolutely took him up on it, so he got in the driver's seat and parked the car for us. Then he got out, we thanked him and he continued on his way like it was the most normal thing ever. The fact that he could have just driven off probably didn't cross anyone's mind haha
Still depends on the city though. Like in a city like LA where a lot of people drive in their little SUV safe space many have that suburbanite mindset even if they live right in the middle of the city.
Itβs like that joke. In Los Angeles, your car is on the side of the road with a flat tire. People slow down, roll down their windows, and say: βOh my God, thatβs terrible! Are you okay? Iβm so sorry this happened to you!β and then they drive off.
In New York, your car is on the side of the road with a flat tire. Someone yells: βWhat, are you an idiot? You canβt park here!β and then they get out of the car and help you change the tire.
I lived in both. I loved living in the city for anonymity - I could go anywhere without fear of someone talking to me. I love living in the burbs for the community - we know our neighbors and they know us/our kids. Both have value for different times in people's lives.
A big city does not at all make neighbours out of everyone. The social dynamic is way different, because you see neighbours again and again for years, whereas you will never see that guy on the bus again in your life. There is fear about strangers in cities because if you do something horrible, like assaulting or robbing someone, you will likely never face any consequences. In a small town if you punch someone, word will get around and, even if you can't be dealt with by the authorities, you'll face negative consequences from society.
I've lived in several sized cities, from a few thousand people to over 10 million.
In my experience it's a bit of everything, both ways.
People are more keenly aware of were "your rights stop and mine start". They're more ok with smaller personal space and rights (otherwise they wouldn't be able to live pretty much piled out on top of each other) but will defend their own more strongly, the bigger and more denselly populated the city the more strongly they do it (after having moved to and lived in London for a while I thought I was quite a bit more short fused on those things than most ... and then I became friends with a New Yorker ...)
Then there's the whole social pressure thing: the bigger and more diverse the crowds you're used to the less you care about the opinions of strangers - you'll almost certainly never see them again, plus there are tons of people doing their own thing so why shouldn't you do your own thing.
Finally, the "I'll never see this person again" thing means that people who feel no qualms about taking advantage of others will also not fear reprisals if they do that to strangers, which in turn means that everybody else is far more suspicious of strangers since they're far more likely to be taken advantage of or know somebody who was taken advantage of than people in smaller places.
But yeah, I agree that most of those dynamics boil down to those in bigger places directly or indirectly not expecting to ever again cross paths with "random person on the street".
The same benefit you mentioned regarding small towns is also their biggest downside. In your example, it 100% matters who is doing the punching. From personal experience, if a girl is raped by the high school's star athlete, it is the girl who is ostracized by the town for going to the police. Small towns can be incredibly dangerous to outsiders (with outsider meaning any family without at least three generations worth of full-time residence)
Yep, the reason people developed police forces is to try and get away from what amounts to little more than mob justice.
I helped a lady with a stroller and luggage up the stairs at the station recently, it was no problem once I was at the top.
The moment she thanked me, I felt it. There was a certain electricity in the air and it tingled down my back. As she stared into my eyes, my eyes store back into hers, slowly watering.
I played it cool and walked calmly back down the steps, but I hobbled the rest of the way home
I have done this more times than I can count. People with strollers trying to get up subway stairs, very often expect those around them to help, and usually someone does.
Just a part of city life
One time in London (in the Tube, if I remember it correctly) I actually saw somebody telling somebody else off for just passing them on the stairs and not helping.
Oh, yeah, sure. Iβve seen that plenty of times too.
Make subways without stairs.
Almost all of the 430+ subway stations in New York also have elevators. Many also have escalators.
Itβs much quicker to go up the stairs, which is why others are helpful.
Just a chill guy