My new favourite short joke...
You hear about the non binary prospector? Found gold in them/their hills!
this post was submitted on 11 Feb 2026
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I like this, bitta old bitta new
It's not my favourite but it's dark so it really sticks in my mind:
spoiler
Flip the racism by making it two MAGAts, and you've got yourself a gem.
I've heard this as two priests.
A pirate walks into the bar with a ship's steering wheel attached to his belt buckle.
The bartender inquires about the wheel, and the pirate responds, "Yarrr, it's drivin me nuts!"
Piggybacking off your comment to leave a pirate joke of my own.
"What's a pirate's favourite letter?"
(Ideally, the audience will reply "Arrr!" this this. It works best if you prime them for this by doing a bad pirate impression earlier in the conversation, or tell a joke such as "What's a pirate's favourite animal? An aardevark!")
"You might think so, but a pirate's true love be the C (sea)"
Bonus joke! What's a pirate's least favourite letter?
!Dear Sir or Madam, your IP address has been recorded downloading infringing copyrighted material on...!<
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
spoiler
Two, but I don't know how they got in there.
Piggybacking off this to add more lightbulb jokes.
The best joke I've ever heard was delivered by a German friend with an incredible deadpan delivery
How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
!"One. We are a very efficient people"!<
Another one!
How many emos does it take to change a lightbulb?
!None. They all just sit in the dark crying.!<
(I should clarify that I find this one funny because when I first heard it, it very much applied to me. I felt mildly attacked, but not in a hurtful way)
3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp.
One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It shouts "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 500 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."
Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:
"Guys, I think I fucked up."
One of my favourites too, I always mime as the third guy while telling it
Wtf! It's funny! But also, wtf!😅
Clean:
Two blondes are standing on opposite sides of a wide river. Blonde 1 yells: How do I get to the other side? Blonde 2 yells back: You're already there!
Dirty:
Three generations of prostitutes were sitting around discussing their trade. The daughter complains,"I'm only getting $20 for a blowjob." The mother pipes up and says, "Back in my day we only got $5." Then the grandmother speaks up and says, "During the great depression we were happy to just have something warm in our belly."
(this one is better if you do an old lady voice for the last line.)
Rub your belly in reminiscence for added ick.
An old guy is turning 100 so his friends decide to hire a prostitute for him to celebrate his birthday. She shows up and says to him "Are you ready for some super sex?" And the old guy thinks for a moment and says "...I will have the soup"
What do we want? Low flying airplane noises. When do we want it? Right neooooowwwww
You know what mothballs smell like?
Spoiler
How do you get their little legs apart?
If they say "yes", that works, but if they say "no", then go with:
Spoiler
Damn. I thought you might know how to get their little legs apart.
What do you get after 16 sodium atoms?
BATMAN!
I was once asked if sodium was my favorite element. I replied: "Na".
What’s 6.022e23 avocados equal?
1 guacaMOLE
What's 6.02214076×10^23 mol^−1 avocados?
An Avogadro's constant of avocados
*Avocado's constant
Here's a new one. It's so new that you have to finish it!
"Discord walks into a bar...
...it goes to the counter and says: "ID please"...
Two clairvoyants meet. "Come with me?" "Just been there."
I know a really good knock-knock joke but need you to start it.
knock knock
Come in.
Who's there?
Taser
Taser wh-!!!
Taser wh who
LOL nice.
This classic.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and asks, "does this taste funny to you?"
A boat carrying red paint collided with a boat carrying blue paint in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The crews of both ships were marooned.
I went to a zoo, it sucked and had only one exhibit.
It was a shitzu
And
Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?
He had no body to go with!