Ask Lemmy

Jump out of the bushes while furiously masturbating. Scream at them to "KEEP GOING I AM ALMOST THERE PINCH OFF THAT HAWT STEAMING LOAF DADDY". Pretty sure one of two things will happen: Either they freak out, pull up, and high tail it out of there never to be seen again, or they lock eyes with you and maintain that connection through a slight squint and some grunts. Make sure you record it and post this to the internet.

As someone who's actually had this problem (in an urban area) and actually solved it, here's what I did: Changed the shape of my fence so the amount of privacy the serial shitter was afforded was significantly reduced. Changed the position of my gate so that it no longer opened near the convex corner the shitter favored. They found a better spot and moved on.

You think someone is shitting outside in a public space and your plan is to surprise them in the act?

Form the annals of what could possibly go wrong.

I don’t know where you live, but I am going to assume it is suburban or rural, is it possible to light the area?

Raccoons like to poop on top of their old dried poop. raccoon poop looks a lot like human poop. especially when more than one animal is using that latrine.

in the forest they often do it where two trails meet.

think about that before jumping out of a bush.

and if it was a raccoon don't handle that poop please. call animal control.

[edit to add] if you want some nightmares; google 'pinworm human infection' and then stay far away from raccoon droppings.

I'd like to inform you that for shit matters there's /c/shittyasklemmy@lemmy.ml.

Could be a fox? 🦊

Buy a camera. Catch them in the act. Call police. Have them arrested. Sadly this is the only way to deal with people (assuming it's a human doing it).

In 2 days time on Ask Lemmy:

There's some creep hiding in bushes in a path which is connected to the gates of my neighbours house. What do I do??

take a bigger shit on their shit. assert your dominance.

Follow them home and shit in front of their house

Can you install a trail cam ?

Or just poop in that spot to show dominance!

Motion activated sprinkler. Works if it's human or animal, something like The first result on Amazon, just an example not an endorsement off the particular product

What's the maximum amount of time you could tolerate hiding in the bushes with spiders & bugs, unsure when/if the serial shitter might ever return? Would you be willing to hunker down in the spider bug cold pokey bushes all night long & all the next day, and on day 3 at 4:42am you finally catch the shitter in the act? Will you have no tent? No sleeping bag? Snacks? Activities to pass time? Do you not have a job & duties to attend to, this wouldn't interrupt your week at all? Probably much easier to install a camouflaged motion-sensitive camera to capture the shitter. Then what you do? Turn the camera footage into the police.

Sounds like a territorial claim. You should probably do a bigger poop next to theirs in order to assert dominance.

Take a photo with a flash. Call them a sick bastard and walk away.
If it happens again, post the photo on every street light and sign post around the neighborhood.

You observe the poop is literally black, and your conclusion is it must be from a human?

Do you live in an area with lots of homeless? That seems most likely who would do that. Or some mentally deranged person. Either way, be careful with those types of people.

You could try the photography/videography aspect to bring them to justice or the classic scare and/or beat them with a baseball bat

Super soaker full of pepper spray/oil. Spray them in the any sensitive exposed area.

Trail cameras can be quite inexpensive

set up a few video cameras to catch them. Then once you know who it is, send stills and videos to their family. post on social media.

Can You Go to Jail for Pooping in Public? https://legalclarity.org/can-you-go-to-jail-for-pooping-in-public/

It's possible for legal consequences if you can get video of them doing it.