“I cleared bandwidth to lead a higher impact project”
No, don’t say that! Say “I hurkledurked the dooper bobble.” It means exactly the same thing (nothing,) but using the business jargon of the 2030s so you stay ahead of the trend.
this post was submitted on 20 Jan 2026
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They have a point though. They are telling you to phrase things in a way that makes you look better.
How does speaking like a braindead MBA make you look better?
Because that's the target audience of the speech.
Stooping to new lows do be the 2026 mantra
How else are you going to become an executive and have all the ~~slaves~~ employees do whatever you want?
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A lot of these examples also seem to require you to function differently, or to lie about what you've been doing.
Like how during the war on terror, we didn't torture people, we interrogated them using enhanced methods.
It doesn't make you look better if you're shirking your own work to work on stuff other people want you to do. "Clearing bandwidth for the important task" is a fancy way of saying you're making someone else do your work so you can work on something that someone else considers a higher priority.
Seen that bite helpers in the ass more than once.
It kind of sounds like they're advising you to ditch responsibilities that you don't think matter in favor of more important-seeming ones, which is the kind of fucked up ladder climbing and damn the consequences that puts sociopaths in most of the positions of power in the world.
Executive turned executive coach = They got fired and couldn't find a job, so now they say their a coach and try to scam people with useless advice.
100% I’ve seen it happen
Wait I can lose my job and then make money as a "life couch" ? Where can I find followers. I have a lot to teach.
Lol @ #4
That can quickly lead to “Why are you overstepping/ignoring your duties to go over management’s head? We have a chain of command you need to respect” then get you targeted and creatively fired.
You have to do any of these with a load more tact than the management wet dream infographic suggests
Like that really should be "be good at predicting your boss' wants so you can be proactive" or "start work immediately on new work, and talk about it; slack off later, first impressions are better than results"
#7 lol
Don’t say: “I quit”
why? Quitting demonstrates that you are not passionate about your role
Say: “I exist to serve the company”
❌ Don't say: 'I don't want a promotion'.
❔Why: you do want to work more for a proportionally small salary increase.
✅ Say: 'I will be pleased to eat shit now both ways for a couple more dollars'.
I assure you, I am qualified to both eat shit and also to serve shit to my team, in quantities you could hardly fathom. I have my bib on and everything, we've streamlined the process so I eat the shit and spray it directly from my ass into the team's mouths, we've overcome process inefficiencies to deliver high impact fecal geysers, empowering the team's ability to onboard more fecal content into their own shit production.
It's a thing of fuckin' beauty, if you can get past the smell. Most don't, but they aren't the team players now, are they?
1: Oh my God I'm such an idiot! All this time I've been doing my actual job when I should have ignored it in favour of doing stuff I'm not certified, qualified, or supposed to do! Right. Starting tomorrow, I'll only do stuff I'm not supposed to be doing. I'm sure to get a promotion now!
Why does the illustrated woman on the list look like the stonks meme?
SLAVRY
I’m guessing it’s AI generated, but could be a stock image
*stonk image
Don't say: truth Instead say: lie
Also work yourself to death for our profits
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There's a few weird bullet points in there (the fact that it tells you you shouldn't be happy to be where you're at being one 🙄), but, all in all, I wouldn't call qualify this as "LinkedIn lunacy" for once.
You have no business leading a team if you say things like "this is not my job" on the regular and deflect responsibility and lack direction more generally.
Good work gets rewarded with more work
These institutions that mold people into psychopaths are how we decided to structure our society
I can personally attest that managers don't appreciate #3. One time I came up with a way to stack twice as many sliced cheeses on a shelf at my old deli job. My boss insisted that I follow procedure, while acknowledging that my suggestion would be more efficient. They don't want you to think outside the box, even if it would benefit the company.
Don't say: "Please don't fuck me."
Say: "Sure , but get it in real deep and don't use lube."
Grade A brainrot
this is how you know she bullshits through life and %100 replaceable with an LLM
I work for an international company that locally clears 20-35 million year with 20 employees. They asked me to help them move hundreds of thousands of dollars in inventory in the warehouse while we switch buildings. I said, "That ain't me, dude."
Is hundreds of thousands of dollars of inventory a lot of inventory?
Depending on the nature of the inventory it could be anything between one machine to a full warehouse.
I feel we'd appreciate your comment better if we knew that, and what your normal role in the company is.
Irrespective of the amount of inventory, it's something you may damage while moving, making it your problem, when it's not even your job
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It's heavy and a few days worth of work.
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putting "why" before "say" is an interesting choice
Why sayest thou?
Classic.
| . | A | B |
|---|---|---|
| S | This | . |
| W | . | . |
In our world there are two dichotomies.
A is aware of the flaws in the system. B is blind to it.
S says the self is the problem. W says the world is the problem.
This woman is from the shitty quadrant, aware that hiring and promotion are handled in bad ways, but then saying 'Oh, man, the boss is demanding sexual favors before he'll promote you? Wow, so, are you practising your deep throat technique with your dildo or are you really showing you want it by spending money on a sextrapreneur to practice on?' with the implication being absolutely nothing can be done other than just either becoming a lying sack of crap and pretending to support the bad behaviour or actually wholeheartedly supporting the bad behaviour.
cool, I guess I will switch back to trading shitcoins if this is what everyone expects because I am definitely not cut to jerk off a manager providing infinitely less value than me
I'd rather masturbate with barbed wire than say any of that garbage.
I think most are completely misunderstanding the point being made. None of these are changing the meaning of what is said, they are changing the verbiage.
Instead of saying “I don’t have time” you’re saying “I took on a more important task, so don’t have bandwidth to do the task you’re talking about”.
This isn’t “work more complain less” it’s “use business talk against them”.
For some I agree. But the response to the "I'm comfortable in my role" one I really dislike.
It should be fine to be satisfied with your position instead of having to eternally strife to a reach a higher step on the ladder. If that's what somebody really wants, it's ok and they should go for it. But for others that mindset will just end in a burnout and it should be applauded if they are able to recognise their limits. Work to live, not live to work.
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Steph seems mentally disabled. Not the first PHD I've met who couldn't live outside a classroom.
If anyone at my company, in any department, in any office, said any of these things, they’d be laughed out of the building by everyone up to and including the VP.
Me, who is actively avoiding getting promoted to management: write that down, write that down!
3: The process had unnecessary daily inspections of safety gear. I got rid of that and streamlined it to save money. Promote me!
I smell genAI in the text...
Not necessarily, that's also just how these types of people talk.
Kneel and lick the boot!
Now that I think about it, it makes more sense to apply for promotion instead of asking for one. I don't think the companies I've been in do the old way of jerking off managers to get promotion. Or maybe I'm just lucky.
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