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My older cousin told me one time "Contraception is a team sport that both people can play but you are the goalie of your own health. Whatever your partner intends, your health and child-free future depends on you asserting your boundaries and holding them"
I may have cared about my partners but so far there still hasn't been a baby I regret not having
A man that acts like that will eventually be std ridden. I don't know the statistics by heart but something like 20 % of people are asymptomatic and I'd wager a fair percentage pretend and don't want to admit they have something as well because of the shame.
Not over the top! Wtf?! Fuck that dude (not literally though bc he doesn't deserve it).
Always wear a condom if you don't know somebody's STD status. If you're hooking up with somebody for the first time, you have no clue what they could be exposing you to. People lie about that shit all the time.
If they're expecting you to have casual sex without a condom why tf would it be wise to assume they don't do that shit all the time?
perfectly normal to demand it from him, he should have simply stfu
No. Firstly, no means of contraception is 100% effective; stacking them further reduces the likelihood of unwanted conception. Defense in depth is your friend.
Also, sometimes people can catch something without being aware of it. He might have an infection he's not aware of. You might have one. The condom protects both of you. If you want to do it without, get yourselves tested.
And all of that is under the assumption that everyone is honest and has the best of intentions, which... isn't always the case.
Guy is a dangerous idiot. You should always use protection.
IUDs fail. Condoms fail. With their powers combined they fail significantly less.
Is requiring a guy to wear a condom over the top?
No. Definitely not over the top. No other information is needed. If you were married for 20 years and you wanted condoms your husband should respect that.
It's not over the top at all, you did the right thing by making him respect your wishes.
“Why do I need to use one if you already have an IUD? Do you think I’m some STD-ridden guy?”
Fucking yes! Put the goddamn condom on!
As a guy, I don't think he needed to know you have an IUD. I personally don't care unless we're about to put it to the test.
Anyway. No, it is not over the top, it is perfectly reasonable.
The fuck girl!?! If any guy had ever said that to me I wouldn't have slept with them at all. Condoms are just as effective at preventing STI's as they are pregnancy.
The only time I ever had sex without a condom was with a long term partner who agreed to be exclusive, AFTER we both got tested and shared our results. Had several long term partners before getting married. Probably slept with a couple dozen dudes over the years. Never caught any STI.
Not at all. You get to say what happens with your body. The fact that he took offense to it is on him. It’s also a smart move.
Personally, I can’t stand condoms, but I wouldn’t hook up without one. “This is a strange car, in a foreign dense highway; why would I need a seat belt?”
Also, if I heard a woman say “it was a fine night” in a meh tone, I’d be gutted lol.
Gentleman reading this, remember the golden rule: women always come first.
"Do you think I'm some STD-ridden guy?!"
Now i do.
If someone asked me to wear a condom, I would wear a condom. It's your body, it's your rules. Don't let anyone give you shit for it.
I've been with my partner for 6 months and we still use condoms. Pregnancy is not the only risk.
Be safe and have a frank discussion before you stop using protection. Possibly both of you get an std test first.
Yeah always wear protection if you don't know the person. If someone is not willing to that's a serious red flag. Your body, your choice
Perfect answer.
Personally, as a guy, I think him just questioning it is enough for you to have rejected him.
The only appropriate response to being told to use a condom is, "Of course I'm going to use a condom."
STD's aren't diagnosed (mostly) just by looking at people. That's exactly why they're so tough to eradicate.
Wear protection and protect yourself. You did just fine here. If he is unwilling to be up to your safety needs, then he's not worth keeping around.
was I being a pushover
No.
Do you think I’m some STD-ridden guy?
Sounds like an asshole. If you get asked to put a condom in just do it and STFU.
I can't comprehend guys like this. It's just basic respect. Also from his perspective, he doesn't know you either, how does he know you're clean and you're honest about having an IUD? It's in his interest to wear a condom.
STD's are more likely ( don't know what factor ) to go from male to female, than from female to male: you can find healthcare warnings about that..
& why would he care if his partner gets pregnant? that isn't his-culture's idea of what matters, right?
that, itself, is a character-assessment.
_ /\ _
It's funny that we went from "AIDS is killing people all over the place" in the 80s to "I had sex with a stranger that does not respect me and it's fine, am I the asshole."
When did people stop respecting themselves? And how could they not learn about this AIDS thing?
Refusing to use a condom is a massive red flag. Yes, they reduce sensation, but they also protect both parties from significant health risks. An IUD is irrelevant to him at this stage
Always use a condom until you have both tested clear and are committed to each other. If your relationship is poly, then condom use and testing is required for every new partner, and it's sensible to have everyone retested when someone new comes into the relationship.
I'd personally be concerned about their behaviour, either then trying to coerce you into unprotected sex, or being a whiny shit refusing to use a condom. Both of these would make me consider withdrawing consent, but I'm a stickler for enthusiasm at all stages.
but ~~I'm a stickler for enthusiasm at all stages.~~ I have standards about consent that should be normal for everyone, everywhere, always, and the fact that they aren’t is really fucked up.
FTFY. It feels weird to thank you for something that really should be the norm, but it’s really nice to see it written out clearly for everyone to see.
Before anyone starts complaining about their poor kinks that they just can’t help: I’m into CNC and TPE, and they are both incomparably better experiences for everyone involved when everyone continuously enthusiastically consents. You (may) just need to add a layer of obfuscation, depending on the scene, but that’s easily managed through the traffic light system or safe words/signs.
If the guy protests putting the condom on, I wouldn't trust them to keep it on during the entire act. Stealthing is common enough that it has its own slang term.
However, it's easy for me to recommend withdrawing consent, but in the moment when the guy has already been a bit scary during the condom conversation, it's not always so easy.
Shame on him for completely fucking up the vibe.
Being mostly ace (probably a better phrasing for this, but definitely on the ace spectrum, but not the "definitely never want to have sex" kind) and reading some of this shit in threads like this is crazy.
If I'm boning someone it's pretty sure not to be casual. Not excluding the possibility, but really if I'm willing to bone someone then we're comfortable enough with each other not to need to worry about STI's. And medication kills my swimmers, so that's not a problem either.
I've never even seen a condom in person, and I'm older than a lot of you kids on here.
But hearing vaguely about the complaints with them is kinda funny to me. I'll never have to deal with it but I feel like that Spock gif of him saying "fascinating" when I see discussions like this.
Silly little allos. 😂
I had someone lie to me and I got chlamydia as a result. I'm sterile, so pregnancy isn't a concern, but I could have caught something worse
I've been in the same situation as a dude with a lady, and when she said "oh you don't need that" I momentarily panicked and said "well you don't really know where I've been." She put two and two together and realized that I also was saying I didn't know where SHE had been either and it wasn't an issue, but I definitely considered it a red flag considering we'd known each other for about 48 hours at that point. The relationship did not last very long.
No sex without condom before we both get tested. If the person doesn't want to use a condom, I know this isn't the first time they had unprotected sex, and even if sex is fun, it's not worth getting sick from it.
Dont have sex with assholes. Because while you stood your ground regarding the use of barriers, afterwards you obviously still feel bad and unsure about yourself. Also if you meet him again, he most likely will keep pushing you to not use a condom.
Also the way the dude acted makes me assume he actually sucks at sex, because he seems selfish, inconsiderate and also uneductated regarding safer sex practices.
Unless you’re exclusive and tested it’s impossible to know if the other partner might have an STI.
That’s not an insult.
IUD's don't protect against STI/STD
Ew. What a repulsive dude...
I'd kicked him out of my bed and out of my life straight away. Safe sex or no sex. And if this is his reaction he can die lonely and miserably in my opinion.
was I being a pushover?
No.
Sex is both extremely complicated (it involves our most intimate selves, our deepest and most sincere desires) but it's also very simple at the same time: sex is a matter of agreement between two (or more) parties. They must be willing to have sex and are to agree on how the action will unfold. If no agreement can be reached, that's fine: there should be no sex. And if one party doesn't want to agree on something and still want to have sex, well, I would not call that 'sex' anymore.
As far as using a condom, it should be obvious for any adult male: when asked to wear one, you wear one. Or you don't have to enjoy the sex. Simple as that.
On a more personal note, as a dude myself (an old and happily married one, but still a dude) I would never have sex with someone 'I don't know that well' without wanting to wear one, no need to ask.
Do you think I’m some STD-ridden guy?
To this snarky (and abysmally stupid) remark, if I were in your shoes which I'm obviously not, I would have put my hand on his and replied 'Maybe I am?', smiling.
Him: “Do you think I’m STD-ridden?” You: “Do you think I’m NOT?”
No, it's smart and reasonable.
I hope you had a fun one night stand. This guy does not sound like boyfriend material.
Redundancies and failsafes are always a best practice in engineering work. This is no different.
Good on you for making sure, wouldn't call you a pushover for standing by your decision.
Wearing a condom is like wearing an n95 mask when going into a hospital or public space, it's a matter of protecting yourself and others, especially when the only argument against wearing one is a matter of comfort.
Condoms are a must with hookups.
In my wilder days I had a crazy friend, she was cool but she was way too wild, and I would intentionally not carry condoms so I could have an excuse to dip when she started taking stuff off. I stuck to my guns, no sex without protection. Surprised she didn't pull one out of her purse and offer it, knowing my rule.
Things could have gone sideways a couple different ways and, if I had the chance to do it all over, I'd just carry protection. I wouldn't throw down at the drop of a hat, but if it came down to it, I'd have more options. Then again, she's the kind of person who'd rip it off right at the end and force the issue, if that was something she wanted. So all in all it's better we drifted apart. I would not want her for a baby mama.
I won in the end, managed to make it to marriage without having sex (which I suppose matters less for a guy, but it was something I wanted to do), but I did engage in some risky behaviours when I was younger.
No. It is totally normal to use contraception unless you certainly wanna have a child. Moreover, on a first date when you are not sure if your partner even totally free from any genital diseases.
No, you have to decide what is right for you and he has to respect it - and vice versa of course. This is essential to be able to give enthusiastic consent! If your mutual needs don’t align it’s also ok to not have sex
Fluid bonding should only happen with people you trust and know. Period.
And that's the minimal requirements, better even to get tested before.
I'll add that either side going down on the other without proper protection condom/dental dam is also fluid bonding, but wearing a condom during penetrative sex is like, the bare minimum.
Anyone objecting to wearing protection is an instant red flag for me. Because they'll likely have or have had unprotected sex with others and I really don't need an STD in my life. This has nothing to do with being filthy or a slut or bad morals, it's just respecting oneself and the ones we have intercourse with.
Nobody thinks they are a carrier until they find out.
No, he is an asshole. And an idiot. I would not not wear a condom because I don't know where you have been as well. It's just dumb.
