The person who robbed me in uninsured so my safety support representative denied my claim
Source: twitter
I was shooting heroin and reading “The Fountainhead” in the front seat of my privately owned police cruiser when a call came in. I put a quarter in the radio to activate it. It was the chief.
“Bad news, detective. We got a situation.”
“What? Is the mayor trying to ban trans fats again?”
“Worse. Somebody just stole four hundred and forty-seven million dollars’ worth of bitcoins.”
The heroin needle practically fell out of my arm. “What kind of monster would do something like that? Bitcoins are the ultimate currency: virtual, anonymous, stateless. They represent true economic freedom, not subject to arbitrary manipulation by any government. Do we have any leads?”
“Not yet. But mark my words: we’re going to figure out who did this and we’re going to take them down … provided someone pays us a fair market rate to do so.”
“Easy, chief,” I said. “Any rate the market offers is, by definition, fair.”
He laughed. “That’s why you’re the best I got, Lisowski. Now you get out there and find those bitcoins.”
“Don’t worry,” I said. “I’m on it.”
I put a quarter in the siren. Ten minutes later, I was on the scene. It was a normal office building, strangled on all sides by public sidewalks. I hopped over them and went inside.
“Home Depot™ Presents the Police!®” I said, flashing my badge and my gun and a small picture of Ron Paul. “Nobody move unless you want to!” They didn’t.
“Now, which one of you punks is going to pay me to investigate this crime?” No one spoke up.
“Come on,” I said. “Don’t you all understand that the protection of private property is the foundation of all personal liberty?”
It didn’t seem like they did.
“Seriously, guys. Without a strong economic motivator, I’m just going to stand here and not solve this case. Cash is fine, but I prefer being paid in gold bullion or autographed Penn Jillette posters.”
Nothing. These people were stonewalling me. It almost seemed like they didn’t care that a fortune in computer money invented to buy drugs was missing.
I figured I could wait them out. I lit several cigarettes indoors. A pregnant lady coughed, and I told her that secondhand smoke is a myth. Just then, a man in glasses made a break for it.
“Subway™ Eat Fresh and Freeze, Scumbag!®” I yelled.
Too late. He was already out the front door. I went after him.
“Stop right there!” I yelled as I ran. He was faster than me because I always try to avoid stepping on public sidewalks. Our country needs a private-sidewalk voucher system, but, thanks to the incestuous interplay between our corrupt federal government and the public-sidewalk lobby, it will never happen.
I was losing him. “Listen, I’ll pay you to stop!” I yelled. “What would you consider an appropriate price point for stopping? I’ll offer you a thirteenth of an ounce of gold and a gently worn ‘Bob Barr ‘08’ extra-large long-sleeved men’s T-shirt!”
He turned. In his hand was a revolver that the Constitution said he had every right to own. He fired at me and missed. I pulled my own gun, put a quarter in it, and fired back. The bullet lodged in a U.S.P.S. mailbox less than a foot from his head. I shot the mailbox again, on purpose.
“All right, all right!” the man yelled, throwing down his weapon. “I give up, cop! I confess: I took the bitcoins.”
“Why’d you do it?” I asked, as I slapped a pair of Oikos™ Greek Yogurt Presents Handcuffs® on the guy.
“Because I was afraid.”
“Afraid?”
“Afraid of an economic future free from the pernicious meddling of central bankers,” he said. “I’m a central banker.”
I wanted to coldcock the guy. Years ago, a central banker killed my partner. Instead, I shook my head.
“Let this be a message to all your central-banker friends out on the street,” I said. “No matter how many bitcoins you steal, you’ll never take away the dream of an open society based on the principles of personal and economic freedom.”
He nodded, because he knew I was right. Then he swiped his credit card to pay me for arresting him.
this pasta still feels fresh, every time
Brings tears to the eye
GOOD post
I'd rather shop local and go with whatever street gang runs my block. You're not going to get good or timely service with the faceless megacorp
i love worldviews/systems based entirely on the false assumption that war is irrational/unprofitable, lol.
If corporations could have armies and do war they would. My evidence is that they do already now.
90% of the economy of ancapistan is dedicated to lawyers, pr firms, arbiters, mediators, private militaries, and an army of actuaries endlessly calculating the risks associated with enforcing a particular property claim vs. the odds of winning a dispute with the client's estate claimants? pretenders? usurpers? after denying their security coverage because enforcement is the expensive part and anyway i'm pretty sure this whole scheme just recreates the genocidal incentive structures inherent to settler-colonialism
And reputation is this nearly omnipotent force in their world, where a court being biased would immediately make them lose all their power somehow.
ok so first you choose your protection mafia
Literally just recreating the government, but fracturing it into a million different private entities that you have to separately subscribe to, rendering getting anything done completely impossible. The total yearly subscription costs you pay to simulate the government now exceed the lifetime taxes you would’ve paid under an actual state
But at least you don't pay TAXES!
Private court huh? There is the state.
A court merely gives a judgement, there needs to be something to enforce the same. Who will that be? And what if the corps use their own protection rackets and go corpo wars. Epic cyberpunk chungus
there needs to be something to enforce the same. Who will that be?
Whatever this is supposed to mean. I guess they comply to keep reputation with other businesses and because they’re ideologically committed or something?
Ring stands down and allows ADT to impose the punishment, due to the mandate from Its backup contract partners and the discipline of constant dealings.
It literally just sounds like a parody of ancaps. Like the libertarian cop story.
Actually the private courts will have their own representative company that will be the enforcer. They first have to settle with the opposing sides enforcer to make sure they can get justice. If the enforcer doesn't agree, the enforcer is covered by the agreement bureau who will work on creating agreement terms with the opposing sides agreement bureau, if that doesn't go through the agreement bureau has their own term enforcer who-
Hey, there's a third option. All the security forces form a cartel and collaborate in whatever way profits them the most, and in no way actually aiding their subscribers in a meaningful way.
Instead of having a centralized justice apparatus, the private courts will simply pay private cops to send you to private prisons, that contract their work out to private guards. Simple and efficient.
Ohh!! Ohh!! Let me get Sam Seder in here.
Ok pause it. I own ADT and I'm not appreciating how often Amazing Adjucation rules against my customers- it's killing my market share, the customers are all running to my competitors, who are all advertising double digit higher win rates compared to ADT, because they paid off their adjudicators. I'm a lot bigger than Ring and if Amazing Adjucation loses our contract they'll probably go out of business. Sure this might encourage my customers to steal more, but so what? The more wealth they have, the more I get to charge to insure it. So I'm going to let Amazing Adjucation know they have an ultimatum, and if Ring and Ring customers don't like it, they can deal with my much larger mercenary company. Sure we can't go after Amazon and their customers, because they have the nuclear arsenal, but most other people are fair game- we'll almost always rule in favor of ourselves.
At this point, ADT is essentially a piracy conglomeration. Is that your utopia?
did this remind anyone else of that hilarious story about the hotel in Laguna last summer? when 20 armed thumbskulls got into a melee trying to arrest each other for trespassing. the city had to shut it all down and issue a restraining order against any of them carrying firearms.
Hotel Laguna reopens after clash between rival security guards
Faceoff stems from dispute between local operator-developer and investment group
Laguna Beach police officers were called to the Hotel Laguna at 425 South Coast Highway last week for a 20-person physical altercation in the lobby between armed guards from two private security firms.
can you imagine being on vacation, walking around the touristy beach town with your family, drinking your Jamba Juice or w/e and seeing 20 ARMED rent-a-pigs in various uniforms getting into a fight while trying to arrest each other?
i would be far too enchanted by the spectacle to look away and end up catching a stray in my bathing suit area.
Why would anyone find this convoluted social order desirable in any way? Any time I'm a victim of a petty crime I have to get an arbitrator to prevent corporate warfare over my insurance payout? Feudalism sounds more orderly.
I was shooting heroin and reading “The Fountainhead” in the front seat of my privately owned police cruiser when a call came in. I put a quarter in the radio to activate it. It was the chief.
“Bad news, detective. We got a situation.”
“What? Is the mayor trying to ban trans fats again?”
“Worse. Somebody just stole four hundred and forty-seven million dollars’ worth of bitcoins.”
The heroin needle practically fell out of my arm. “What kind of monster would do something like that? Bitcoins are the ultimate currency: virtual, anonymous, stateless. They represent true economic freedom, not subject to arbitrary manipulation by any government. Do we have any leads?”
“Not yet. But mark my words: we’re going to figure out who did this and we’re going to take them down … provided someone pays us a fair market rate to do so.”
“Easy, chief,” I said. “Any rate the market offers is, by definition, fair.”
He laughed. “That’s why you’re the best I got, Lisowski. Now you get out there and find those bitcoins.”
“Don’t worry,” I said. “I’m on it.”
I put a quarter in the siren. Ten minutes later, I was on the scene. It was a normal office building, strangled on all sides by public sidewalks. I hopped over them and went inside.
“Home Depot™ Presents the Police!®” I said, flashing my badge and my gun and a small picture of Ron Paul. “Nobody move unless you want to!” They didn’t.
“Now, which one of you punks is going to pay me to investigate this crime?” No one spoke up.
“Come on,” I said. “Don’t you all understand that the protection of private property is the foundation of all personal liberty?”
It didn’t seem like they did.
“Seriously, guys. Without a strong economic motivator, I’m just going to stand here and not solve this case. Cash is fine, but I prefer being paid in gold bullion or autographed Penn Jillette posters.”
Nothing. These people were stonewalling me. It almost seemed like they didn’t care that a fortune in computer money invented to buy drugs was missing.
I figured I could wait them out. I lit several cigarettes indoors. A pregnant lady coughed, and I told her that secondhand smoke is a myth. Just then, a man in glasses made a break for it.
“Subway™ Eat Fresh and Freeze, Scumbag!®” I yelled.
Too late. He was already out the front door. I went after him.
“Stop right there!” I yelled as I ran. He was faster than me because I always try to avoid stepping on public sidewalks. Our country needs a private-sidewalk voucher system, but, thanks to the incestuous interplay between our corrupt federal government and the public-sidewalk lobby, it will never happen.
I was losing him. “Listen, I’ll pay you to stop!” I yelled. “What would you consider an appropriate price point for stopping? I’ll offer you a thirteenth of an ounce of gold and a gently worn ‘Bob Barr ‘08’ extra-large long-sleeved men’s T-shirt!”
He turned. In his hand was a revolver that the Constitution said he had every right to own. He fired at me and missed. I pulled my own gun, put a quarter in it, and fired back. The bullet lodged in a U.S.P.S. mailbox less than a foot from his head. I shot the mailbox again, on purpose.
“All right, all right!” the man yelled, throwing down his weapon. “I give up, cop! I confess: I took the bitcoins.”
“Why’d you do it?” I asked, as I slapped a pair of Oikos™ Greek Yogurt Presents Handcuffs® on the guy.
“Because I was afraid.”
“Afraid?”
“Afraid of an economic future free from the pernicious meddling of central bankers,” he said. “I’m a central banker.”
I wanted to coldcock the guy. Years ago, a central banker killed my partner. Instead, I shook my head.
“Let this be a message to all your central-banker friends out on the street,” I said. “No matter how many bitcoins you steal, you’ll never take away the dream of an open society based on the principles of personal and economic freedom.”
He nodded, because he knew I was right. Then he swiped his credit card to pay me for arresting him.
got me by a minute 
Once again, Ancaps don’t want to end the state, they want to privatize it
Aw man I wanted to see Ring and ADT go to war 
To avoid the enormous costs of war, the two firms agree to arbitrate in a reputable private court
But let's say Ring is substantially larger than ADT, their deep pockets would allow them to hire substantially more private mercenaries, therefore the mere threat of war would be enough to intimidate competitors in a conflict. Sure, Ring probably can't afford a war every time they're in a legal dispute, but if you're ADT, do you risk calling their bluff?
Libertarian theory: Imagine a perfectly spherical contract in a frictionless vacuum...
Libertarian praxis: Our town got overrun by bears because we couldn't organise bin collection.
So whatcha saying, as a responsible shareholder of this amazing adjudication, i'm free to drone strike ring shareholders?
The person who robbed me in uninsured
I think the implication here is that if you're uninsured then other people's protection companies will have carte blanche to do whatever they want to you.
This is how a small child would think about the world.
There is no way a small child would be brainwashed enough to believe this. Only an adult child could.
Children aren't this cruel and wouldn't be this convoluted.
Walter
Marie
Protection companies would just agree to stay out of each other's turf and settle out of court. If you get hurt in the wrong place, you shouldn't have been there. Because who enforce's the courts decision? No one.
When confronted with the fact that their stateless society would be completely dysfunctional, ancaps will just keep creating more and more private entities until they’ve recreated the state but you have to separately pay not-taxes to each not-department and not-agency and there’s a new not-warlord state every two blocks
AnCap Brain: The Major Motion Picture
Plot Synopsis: Through an inscrutable web of institutional relationships, hidden deliberations, and secret agreements between powerful organizations, justice is achieved for the little guy. Brought to you by Butch Jenkin's For-Profit Arbitration Trade School.
an inscrutable web of institutional relationships, hidden deliberations, and secret agreements between powerful organizations,
But it's definitely not a government!
Edit: lmao
Don’t ask ancaps if they consider bodies to be property
ADT conducts an investigation and identifies the culprit to be Walter
Walter and his friends, receiving a tip about hired detectives asking about him, blockade the ADT detective's car in and either kill him or make him understand he didn't find Walter
The neighbors, who can't afford ADT and all at least know one person who was railroaded by bullshit made up claims by ADT hack detectives, didn't see shit.
Walter kills Marie, dumping her in a ditch. Nobody ever calls it in. People find her body but nobody can afford to hire the private medical examiners, so they leave her to rot.
The person who I accused of robbing me is uninsured so my private protection murdered him and have me some of his stuff (and kept the rest).
My private protection decided not to do anything as they have no financial reason to. They have a private army so I’m forced to accept their judgement.
If Walter killed Marie then I guess he'd just get away with the robbery? ADT has no reason to investigate a dead subscriber.
Why would they investigate even if she lived? They won’t make any money off it. Who’s gonna force them to investigate, the private arbitrator they paid? Marie’s own private army?
Remember that taxation is theft, but having to pay private protection companies in order to keep your property isn't. It's actually just the free market at work, snd therefore freedom
Walter kills an innocent baby. The baby was born to a poor family and therefore was not susbscribed to any service. Walter, a baby murderer, goes unpunished.
Lmao what's with this assumption that Walter, a guy who is desperate enough to rob a woman who is under the protection of a private militia, has the kind of cash to hire his own private militia? Most libertarians make up some bullshit to skirt around the fact that the poor would be mega fucked under their ideal system, but here it's just obvious subtext.
When ADT looks into Walter and finds out he has no security company, they're not going to complete any investigation or pay for any arbitration, why bother spending money on that? They'll just show up at his home, beat the shit out of him, steal everything he has, shoot his dog, and sell him into slavery. Honestly not unlike what we have now except there isn't even a farcical trial or appeals system to maybe have some amount of recourse.
This is just a state with extra steps but worse.
It's the dunk tank.
This is where you come to post big-brained hot takes by chuds, libs, or even fellow leftists, and tear them to itty-bitty pieces with precision dunkstrikes.
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