her,,, expolde
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I'm going to get my beautiful lungs looked at today to see if their capacity and shit is good.
transgender illegal alien gf
CW: Codependence, relationships
Yeah, this is one my therapist has been working on with me for the past few weeks. It's crazy looking back at my last relationship how hard I align with her paper. One that caught us both off guard was "Accepting sex as a substitute for love". This is one that I never really had an issue with, but I have like an addiction to positive physical affection such as getting headpats, being held, handholding, ect. There were so many times that I let my ex get away with really harmful shit by just snuggling with me very closely afterwards. I'd often let her treat me like a man during sex because there was a certain way she'd hold me that she'd only do after we had sex and it was my absolute favorite.
I'm really struggling with craving that physical intimacy again even though I know I'm not in a position to connect with someone enough for it to be real intimacy. Sorry for the rant, just kinda wanted to pop off a little bit
been applying to jobs for weeks and finally got offered two interviews at once. both jobs suck but it'll be okay
and here i thought any girl past high school age was too old for crushes 
god she's so fucking cute why can't i stop thinking about her
WATCH OUT
subcutaneous estrogen personal timeline
Subcutaneous without an androgen blocker has been good to me.
I am on week 7 I believe. Already showing some boobage. Testicles are way smaller. Sex drive is way different. Much less reactive and defensive (i.e. more likely to cry than get mad). Skin softer. Face more feminine (a laser session helped).
I am having some sensitivity around injection sites. Going to try my thighs instead of my stomach next time. Inject more slow and gentle, see if that helps.
Overall really happy and surprised by the progress. Feeling so glad I started on it.
bit idea: anti-woke health insurance company that openly advertises that it doesn't cover gender affirming care or abortions, but it's also way shittier than existing health insurance companies when it comes to premiums, deductibles, coverage, and everything else, and the profits go to trans and reproductive care organizations
chat i'm finally off work and i'm getting snacks. i'll get some for everyone
I hate the welfare system here, it is so fucking terrible, doesnt give enough money to live, prevents you from working, and is impossible to get on cause its better to spend 5000 dollars to catch 20 dollars of fraud than just help people for some fucking reason (death to reagan, death to his memory, and may anyone who respects him get kicked in the face and pissed on)
I have subscribed to so many leftist podcasts but I have listened to barely anything
P crazy I'm this hot like what the hell
I was lookin, and six whole trans megas appear on the front page of Hexbear's Most Comments sort, from #7 to #13 or so.
CW for repression
I was looking up perspectives of people who had gender dysphoria but chose not to transition on 
and here's an interesting excerpt I found:
At the end of the day I grew up. Rather than spending my time fantasizing about a a hypothetical different version of myself that was happy, I did the hard work of building a person that I was happy with. It took a decade plus to stop my head spinning from the confusion of it all, and then another five or so years of looking back at it and trying to figure out what it all meant for my life. In the end I was just an insecure kid who was afraid of male expectations.
Is that normal for an allegedly cis person? To take a decade plus to "build a person" you're happy with, and then ruminate on it for another five years? I'm around cis men a lot to me it seems that for them "getting your life together" mostly means getting swole and getting a better paying job and maybe building a social circle of people you hang out with regularly. tbf the getting a good paying job can take a while, but I think you can be happy with a just okay job if you have the other two, which, I can't really speak from personal experience, but from what I've seen in mentally healthy cis guys shouldn't take nearly that long.
(I am probably oversimplifying what cis men generally want for their lives, but I'm just saying, barring things like mental illness and extreme poverty, I've never seen one take that long to grow into themselves)
I don't wanna cast aspersions but if someone is struggling with their gender for 15 years they probably will continue to struggle after all that suppression and it's gonna come roaring back when they're much older
Hey, Clover here, your gay catgirl amateur chemist, doing okay-ish, probably a year or so until I can get away from my current situation.
Anyway, wanted to update on the estrogen gel guide I was writing: it is being written very slowly, within hyoerfocused nights for a few hours, interspersed every few weeks
I've got it basically done as a first draft, only one section is missing, and the accompanying excel sheet with all the calculations
After that it'd still need to be read by people a bit and edited for clarity and to fix any mistakes
I estimate maybe a month or two before I get to that step though, depending on how much my brain cooperates
Downloaded like 6 books on English/British history. I'm gonna ace that citizenship test.
I wake up this morning and I ask myself: how can I help bring down the cis today?
Slept well. Had some nice conversation both online and off. Paid my bills and my moustache has basically stopped growing. Yeah, it's a good day to be trans today 
Turns out my ass pulling herself up by her bootstraps and finally teaching herself how to shave is what she needed to be able to look herself in the mirror and confidently call herself a woman.
(Yes I chose to word that in this precise way so as to use as many female pronouns for myself as possible 'cause I'm feeling girly as fuuuuuuuuuuuck. I'm so pissed I didn't do this sooner. For some reason I imagined it would be harder lmao)
I finally found a non-woke game
tonight is a certified "sit alone in your car after work singing Yakuza sad karaoke to yourself because you're feeling extra dysphoric and wondering if that one girl likes you back" type of night
holy shit they weren't kidding. gaining weight does make the tiddies grow real big real fast
just remembered when i asked a waitress at a fancy restaurant if there was truffle oil in the dish as i thought i could taste a hint of it and wanted to know (it wasn't mentioned on the menu)
she basically just laughed at me as if i was some kind of food pleb, then like two minutes later i heard a waiter explain the dish to another table and mention black truffle oil
neurodiversity talk
does anyone else struggle with... being able to perceive things about other people? I'm thinking about this because I was talking with my best friend (who is also autistic) about COVID on campus, and he was mentioning that they would notice that people would sniffle and be congested in class. and I was like... I haven't noticed any of that in my classes. but then I realized that it was very possible that there were people who were audibly sick in my classes and I just never noticed, because this is the kind of thing that I never notice. I remember a time in 2022 when I was taking a train trip with a different friend, and they later talked about how anxious they were with how many people were sick on the train. and I thought about it and was like "wait, you're right... how did I not notice that myself?"
my mom tells me too, that I don't "perceive" other people. usually she tells me this when she's angry at me and yelling, but I feel like there is a truth to it (as much as I hate to admit.) It's not that I'm intentionally an asshole to people or that I have "main character syndrome", I do not think that I am the main character of life or anything like that. I think I am a normal person who lives a normal life, one human among 8 billion, and I try my best to be polite and considerate and kind to people I encounter.
but I cannot pick up on things the way other people can. I've gotten better at reading my best friend, but that took months of them being the person I had the person I had by far the most contact with; and I'm still not great at it. I know it's a fairly common autistic experience to not be able to tell when people are making fun of you; I definitely have that. I also do struggle with being able to read people's emotions, which is par for the course for a lot of autistic people.
But here's another thing I don't notice — I never perceive it if/when people stare at me. I dress in a way that would invite stares (very loud and alternative), and yet I cannot remember a single person ever staring at me. I think it's kind of statistically impossible that nobody has ever stared at me, ever. this is literally the reason why I have never struggled with self-confidence when it comes to fashion. I don't perceive stares. And if people are giving me angry or judgemental looks or whatever, I extra can't perceive that.
I'm also incredibly gullible. I've fallen for a lot of scams in the past, especially when I was doing a lot of mutual aid stuff on social media back in the day. and looking back at it, there were a ton of signs that they were scams; and I would fall for them over and over. I just don't notice stuff.
And... body odor? Is that a thing people notice about other people? Because it's not something that has ever crossed my mind? Someone could smell atrocious and I simply would not pick up on it?
Maybe this is a reason why I don't get sensory overload from being in loud or crowded places. In fact, I find them exciting (yes, taking COVID precautions in 2024 does make it impossible to enjoy things that I want to enjoy, like live music.) Wait. Is this hyposensitivity?
I very much... live in my own world? Idk how to describe just the way that my brain works exactly here. It's not that I don't care about other people, I care about other people a lot. But I feel like my brain is wholly oriented inwards and not outwards... I simply don't perceive things. I don't know what this is, if anyone has any relevant resources I'd appreciate it. This is incredibly long and rambly. I guess I'll end it here.
I was biking this morning and some old white dude came up to me and said “you seem like the kind of person who would do the right thing for god or people.” I affirmatively grunted. “I hope you’re a woman…” after some mumbling I couldn’t make out he said “if a man ever… a tall man…” Then my light was green and I couldn’t hear him anyway so I left.
I was wearing my keffiyeh and cargo pants. Literally showing no skin, as androgynous as possible. I have no idea why he thinks or cares I’m a woman, but I’ll take it. Does he think I’m Muslim?
made a minecraft modpack that doesn't include create for once. this is difficult for me, but when I include it everything just becomes about the factory and nothing else
family worries
... so that now I'm really getting started on the process of getting HRT, it's setting in that I'm going to have to tell my parents about it. And I'm nervous. My mom "accepts" my transness in the sense that we just never talk about it, but to get to that point meant several agonizing conversations. And I do not know if her acceptance extends to accepting the fact that I want to change my body about it. I feel like that's a part of transition that cis people often stumble on.
I know I can hide it from them for a while, but I can't hide it forever. And I honestly don't know if it would be better or not to hide it, because I know that would be seen as a breach of their trust. Even me making this decision alone would probably be viewed by them as a sign of my "apartness" from the family — the fact that I didn't consult them first will probably sting. My mom definitely has some helicopter tendencies in that sense; even though I'm an adult she still makes me turn on location tracking when I go out. I feel like existing in my family situation is a game of delicately balancing everyone's emotions, and doing something like starting HRT is something that will upset that balance. And I know it's not fair to place that burden on me, but I don't know what to do to escape it.
I can't help imagining the worst case scenario in which they kick me out over this. My parents have in the past yelled at me to get out of the house. They've always regretted it after, but... idk. I don't know what to do and how to tell them. Even though I've lived pretty openly as trans for almost four years and am pretty far in terms of social transition, I still feel so lost.
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alarm clocks are reactionary and transphobic 