my mom tells me too, that I don't "perceive" other people. usually she tells me this when she's angry at me and yelling, but I feel like there is a truth to it (as much as I hate to admit.) It's not that I'm intentionally an asshole to people or that I have "main character syndrome", I do not think that I am the main character of life or anything like that. I think I am a normal person who lives a normal life, one human among 8 billion, and I try my best to be polite and considerate and kind to people I encounter.

but I cannot pick up on things the way other people can. I've gotten better at reading my best friend, but that took months of them being the person I had the person I had by far the most contact with; and I'm still not great at it. I know it's a fairly common autistic experience to not be able to tell when people are making fun of you; I definitely have that. I also do struggle with being able to read people's emotions, which is par for the course for a lot of autistic people.

But here's another thing I don't notice — I never perceive it if/when people stare at me. I dress in a way that would invite stares (very loud and alternative), and yet I cannot remember a single person ever staring at me. I think it's kind of statistically impossible that nobody has ever stared at me, ever. this is literally the reason why I have never struggled with self-confidence when it comes to fashion. I don't perceive stares. And if people are giving me angry or judgemental looks or whatever, I extra can't perceive that.

I'm also incredibly gullible. I've fallen for a lot of scams in the past, especially when I was doing a lot of mutual aid stuff on social media back in the day. and looking back at it, there were a ton of signs that they were scams; and I would fall for them over and over. I just don't notice stuff.

And... body odor? Is that a thing people notice about other people? Because it's not something that has ever crossed my mind? Someone could smell atrocious and I simply would not pick up on it?

Maybe this is a reason why I don't get sensory overload from being in loud or crowded places. In fact, I find them exciting (yes, taking COVID precautions in 2024 does make it impossible to enjoy things that I want to enjoy, like live music.) Wait. Is this hyposensitivity?

I very much... live in my own world? Idk how to describe just the way that my brain works exactly here. It's not that I don't care about other people, I care about other people a lot. But I feel like my brain is wholly oriented inwards and not outwards... I simply don't perceive things. I don't know what this is, if anyone has any relevant resources I'd appreciate it. This is incredibly long and rambly. I guess I'll end it here.

Not for myself, but we used it as an easy sealant for slide covers at work, and it's quicker just to pay for it out of pocket then to order it through the system. The other times I've bought it from there, I've thought about buying a second for myself, or pocketing one from the lab, but I didn't have the self-awareness about my gender.

Also tried to shop for clothes. I thought that JcPenny might have some cute enby-ish "men's" shirts in my size, but there was hardly anything that looked anything other than a generic "men's" shirt. Again, dissociated and had to leave the store.

Perpetually exhausted

Think I'm getting sick again and my chest feels kind of tight

Annoyed by pretty much everything except my cats

Feel grotesque and just want to hibernate for like a week but can never sleep well

I know I can hide it from them for a while, but I can't hide it forever. And I honestly don't know if it would be better or not to hide it, because I know that would be seen as a breach of their trust. Even me making this decision alone would probably be viewed by them as a sign of my "apartness" from the family — the fact that I didn't consult them first will probably sting. My mom definitely has some helicopter tendencies in that sense; even though I'm an adult she still makes me turn on location tracking when I go out. I feel like existing in my family situation is a game of delicately balancing everyone's emotions, and doing something like starting HRT is something that will upset that balance. And I know it's not fair to place that burden on me, but I don't know what to do to escape it.

I can't help imagining the worst case scenario in which they kick me out over this. My parents have in the past yelled at me to get out of the house. They've always regretted it after, but... idk. I don't know what to do and how to tell them. Even though I've lived pretty openly as trans for almost four years and am pretty far in terms of social transition, I still feel so lost.

The neckline is really long and deep, so I'm thinking a big, eye-catching necklace or choker would be a great fit, but for now I only have a small, more subtle necklace.

I'm gonna have such a cute outfit once my new jeans arrive, if they're also as cool as I hope they're going to be it might be my new favourite.

I also blurt things out at inappropriate times, and it has caused me a lot of grief in the past because I often know that what I just said was rude and unkind, even if I didn't mean it that way and I was just vocalizing a random thought in my brain. I have a hard time stemming the thoughts from escaping my mouth once they're there. Weirdly enough, I don't talk to myself much these days (I used to talk to myself a lot as a kid, I do wonder if voice dysphoria has something to do with it.) But when I'm with friends — oh god. I cannot control my volume at all and I marvel at people who can.