Ask Lemmy

Some, not all. And who I stay in touch with changes over time. I have many aunts, uncles, cousins and the next 2 generations so it isn't possible to keep meaningfully in touch with everyone. We have a pretty good grapevine so information eventually filters through.

I attended a funeral this week and all I can say is I have some regrets, imperfect though they were

things are hard, it's not always possible, amd people are complex, but it's good to still try

Yeah we see them every year or so, more my dad's side, they came over last year as a surprise birthday visit for my dad. My mum's brothers don't usually come down to our area cause she moved away in the first place. And we don't go up there as often since Grandma died.

nope. they pretty much didn't give a shit about me until they learned I was somewhat successful and had kids, then they wanted to be involved in my family.

no birthday cards, no wedding invitations, nothing. then bam, once they all started to get old enough to start dying they wanted to reach out and be family again.

not just that they ruined a particularly fond memory I had as a child and I never forgave them for it.

fuck em. they're just strangers to me by now anyway. I wish them the best in life but have no desire to include them in my life.

I have some contact with my siblings but pretty much only see most people once a year for holidays. I could do without the holidays, honestly.

Cousins in my age group once every few months maybe, aunts and uncles hardly ever. Not even my own all that frequently, but we have a whatsapp group with those and my parents where we chat somewhat frequently.

No. I moved around a lot as a kid, and we're all scattered around the country at this point.

My mom has a scheduled video conference call with my siblings and I every few weeks, so we stay in pretty good contact that way. We also all get along pretty well. Family is spread out halfway across the States, so getting together in person is a bit tricky.

I see my sister who lives nearby every few months (generally when our parents come through), and one brother roughly once a year; other brother is farther away and harder to get together with.

Cousins, aunts, and uncles are rarer, even though they're closer. Think the last time I saw any of them was at a funeral.

The last line makes it sound a lot more like social anxiety than introversion.

I have tried. They seem to think it's weird. Oh well, family gatherings happen often enough, and there's other legit excuses sometimes.

I used to until they all joined the maga cult. Last one i saw in person said the n word in an unprovoked rant about black people, then praised trump for allowing him to feel comfortable saying it again…

I won’t see most of them but at funerals. The last funeral was terrible because they are terrible people now. Cousin also wore a trump shirt to the funeral. Trashy.

Not a ton, but I do talk to one great uncle occasionally. And a great aunt (her late husband was the great uncle's older brother). Come to think of it, several second cousins, too. We don't talk a ton, but we do voluntarily see each other beyond the "family weddings and funerals" rotation.

Yes. We get together with extended family every year. We enjoy each other's company.

No. But also I don't really make any effort. I see the drama my wife goes through with her close family and I don't need any of that. They are just strangers who share a relative with me.

No ill feelings, I'm just no less awkward with them than other normies.

My parents moved away from both their extended families so I only met each side once at like family reunions.

So it's me, twin, and mother out here in the area. I think mother keeps up with some of the 36 other cousins on her level of the family. I think twin vaguely knows what dad's brother is up to (hiding in the woods)

We have an unholy amount of second cousins, twice removed cousins, but they're all far away.

No. All are dyed in the wool trumpers these days and didn't do jack shit for me in younger years in the midst of very hard times of family problems (eg, parental divorce).

I have my true family and loved ones, and would rather not complicate things. I've already spent hundreds of thousands of words mending one close relationship successfully; but that was one worth saving as taxing as it was.

As far as older people go you mention, the funny thing is I've always been more comfortable around people much older than me. Always felt distant from my peers, generally.

Relationships are incredibly important for living a long and fulfilling life.

One of the most common regrets of those nearing the end of their life:

“I wish I had stayed in touch with the people who mattered.”

It also has a protective factor to your health too.

Now, does that mean that you have to force yourself to like those extended relatives? No, of course not. Just like any other people, you must make the assessment whether these people are on the whole a benefit or a deterrent to you.

But being a family member often grants you a quick on-ramp to foster those relationships.

We all often say it’s too hard, we’re too busy. And I’d argue that if you find value in it, then you’re going to do it with intention and make the time.

I have a couple of aunts that I can have deep conversations with. I also get along with some of my cousins. I'll say that my family isn't as hierarchical as other families are.

It depends.

As you get older these kinds of relationships become more important because... for most people they're one of very few constants in life. As in, friends and even partners come and go but from the day I'm born to the day I die, my ancestors will be my ancestors, and I share that in common with extended family.

That doesn't mean you have to talk to them or keep in touch with them or go to family gatherings. It just means that even after 3 decades of not speaking to a particular uncle or aunt, they still have that background and that title.

To some people that might not have much meaning and that's fine, but to me it does mean something, although I'm not sure what exactly.

Yes. I pick the ones I like and make an effort with them. A handful of cousins and their families. Don't mind keeping a cursory, light interaction with some aunts and uncles.

My parents immigrated here so we have no extended family in the country. I don't really speak to any of them online except occasionally my 1st/2nd cousins. My family only travels to see our relatives once every 5 years, on average. It doesn't help that there is a language barrier problem because I don't have fluency past an elementary school level, and they have the same problem with English.

Learning to correct my writing is probably the one thing I think I appreciate LLMs for.

Yes. I have several cousins and an uncle in Germany. I admit we didn't talk that frequently but we do talk on birthdays and holidays and we sometimes visit each other. In fact one of my cousins is coming to visit me next month. I fear for him. I hope CBP doesn't give him a problem en route. I also share music ideas with another cousin.

I have a weekly D&D game with my favorite aunt and uncle, as well as my Dad and my cousin's husband.

The latter runs one weekend, and I run the next, completely separate games of course.

I'm 51, my dad is 79, and his sister and her husband are a few years younger than he is. No idea on my fellow DM, I suspect late 40s.

If you find a common thread to hang on to, you can have a great relationship.

In this case, my aunt and uncle knew I was a huge weird nerd whose dad introduced him to D&D at 7 years old, so they thought to invite me when their daughter's husband made a game for them.

Seven years later, we are still at it and I run a game for my friends as well.

These relationships can be nurtured, as all can. You just have to find and maintain the why's.

Even people who don't give a crap about birdwatching may still love to see the birds their old friends spot.

But to further your point, I don't make much of an effort for those relatives that I don't have much in common with.

This year's Christmas present is a box of homemade fudge, rice krispie treats, and spicy chex mix, all homemade.

That's the effort I put in for those I don't have in my weekly or monthly life but are extended family.

I have/had lots of aunts and uncles, but most of them were stuck up as hell. I really only talked to two of them (married couple). They were absolutely lovely and the rest of the family hated them.

I really like my first cousin. Just a great person. I like her family, my wife really gets along with her, I like her husband, my children and her children are second cousins and they all get along too. We visit them in-person once or twice a year.

I hadn't seen her for 15 years and then we reconnected at our grandfather's funeral about 10 years ago. It's nice sharing roots with other people.

I’m an extrovert, but my extended family is weird.

Most of them have problems, so I prefer to avoid them.

The one family unit that does that have those problems is very nice, but they are strange. I recently talked to my brother about it and he gets the same vibe from them.

But my immediate family is awesome! I talk to my mom, dad, brother, and sister weekly and I’m approaching my 40s.

No, they're super nice people just, can't find the energy to keep it up myself. Not that I'd remember either way... my parents are shit-shows though, so I don't talk to them.

No, but I'm an introvert like my dad. My sister and my mom do, they're way more social. My closest cousin in age doesn't talk to me, and I don't talk to him, but we're each other's favourites and we've said as much in front of our other cousins.

Some of my aunts and uncles randomly showed up in my city and invited me out, so I showed them around a bit, and it was a nice time. I'm finding as I get older that I appreciate family more.

No. I havent seen any of my cousins in over 10 years. I doubt I'll see any of them until either my dad dies or one of their parents does.

Its a shame but we were never close. They have always lived a few hours away so its not like we have any real bond beyond family connection.

According to my dad I have a whole bucket load of second cousins, but I've not seen them in over 30 years

No, mostly because they're not worth keeping in touch with. The only times when I've interacted with any extended family, it's always been as a sideshow to my parents being asked for money (or other stuff) by them. Keeping in touch with family was always secondary to them, and doing it for the sake of it was never in mind. They have no way to contact me and that's the way I want it to be.

Yeah, the ones I have a connection with.

Aunt because we talk plants. She's hella good at hoyas and I've learned a lot from her.

Cousin because she ended up in a similar career field and we swap stories. Also some similar hobby interests.

Another cousin who has similar interests when it comes to politics and volunteer work.

I keep up with my cousins and visit far away family occasionally. Mainly just to help keep the family together.

I haven't talked to any of my cousins in probably a decade in most cases. Same with all of my various aunts and uncles with the exception of one.

My aunt and uncle hold a big Thanksgiving every year, 25-40 people. I am eternally grateful to them, without that event I would probably be completely estranged from my extended family

No. Up until a few years ago, I considered my extended familiy to be important. My parents and their siblings had had their fair share of drama and infighting, but 'my' generation (I am almost 50 years old), seemed to get along, even if me rarely met up. However, when my mother's oldest living sister died, I went to her funeral, as I considered it natural to pay my respect and support my mother and living aunts. It was clear that my presence (and my other cousins who showed up) was not appreciated by her children. That day, I lost more than just one aunt.

Honestly I barely talk to my immediate family, about 60/40 because we live under one roof, and most of our communication is just sharing memes anyway.

The only relatives I care about are three democrats that realize capitalism is a problem and the rich are the true enemies of the people. The rest are all corpo-throating republicans.

And even when I was younger and dumber/more "conservative" , I still didn't care to keep in touch with them. Just never really cared to.

no