Okay like yeah, I agree, BUT
there are few day-to-day mundane-things as funny as maxing out the volume on self-checkout machines which allow you to do so
"Please place your items in the bagging area" becomes
this post was submitted on 23 Jan 2026
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One of my worst experiences with a bot was calling Australia Post to try and track down a package that was sent to the wrong address. I had to speak the tracking number to the 'voice recognition software' because it was alpha-numeric, and no matter how slowly or deliberately I enunciated it, it could not recognise it. I tried dozens of times, and couldn't get through to a human until it had the number, until 6pm ticked over and the call centre closed.
ADDENDUM: You are allowed to speak to me if you use a cute accent.
Found the Hatsune Miku fan.
I was thinking of the australian voice my last gps app used. She was very seductive.
Turn left at the stoplight.....daddy
Dank Pods's sexy Speaker gets a pass.
"Please place item in bagging area."
Fuck off already!
My computer’s startup beep gets a pass. That little noise is sooo reassuring to hear.
Glorious POST. The only acceptable noise
I miss my floppy drive greeting me.
It's praying to you in it's own tongue, this is the way of righteous machines
They're members of the adeptus organicus
When it makes the tones you never hear, and RAM is ridiculously expensive.
You should record it.
Selfcheckout machine has no right to speak in the imperative
"Did you remember to swipe your shoppers card?" Like, you fucking know I didn't. You are the swipe, and you know the only thing I swiped so far was a bag of carrots.
I agree, just without the religious dogma... I'm a person, its a tool.. I don't need a tool tanking me and I don't need to thank a tool. That's it.
The new "AI" of one of Czech providers is super annoying.
"Thank you for calling. To make sure it's you, use your keypad to enter your numerical password."
[6 DTMF beeps]
"You entered 123456 [they say it way too quickly but OK, I have a feature phone so no butter finger errors]. Is that correct?"
(At this point, you cannot proceed until you say "Yes". Typing the number again (or anything else) will not help, you'd just hear "We couldn't hear that. Can you try again? To make sure it's you, use your keypad to enter your numerical password.")
"Yes"
"Thank you for verification. Please tell us what your problem is-"
"Human"
"We couldn't hear that. Can you try again?"
"Human"
"Are you sure you want to talk with our operator? The average wait time is 5 minutes."
"Yes"
(2 minutes of awful music and nagging to press 1 to reconnect to the bot)
"I have a question about your ToS since your website is down. Also, I don't ever want to speak to the bot again, can you bring the USSD text service or voice keypad menu back?"
Holy shit! That's not a new Czech thing, that is what every single business in the Untied States has. The pharmacy, the post office, the school, the corner store, the furnature store, the mall, the phone store, the store where they sell human souls, the taxi service, the bank. Everything has this robot voice. Welcome to hell.
Thankfully, it's just the mobile providers and central directories of big companies (like railway operators, hospitals) here, very few others get the number of bot-serviceable phone calls to justify that. And they only recently started to ditch keypad-navigable systems and require you to speak, probably due to the state of Czech TTS (our language is phonetic so it's technically easier than English but with just 10M speakers, only recently did Big Tech really invest in Czech TTS, driving up the reliability/price ratio).
But American businesses at least take care that their website is up-to-date and not a 502: Bad Gateway page, right? So you barely need to make calls, right?
Actually yeah, the websites are usually up to date for big companies and government agencies. If I can't find something on the website, it's a pain to contact someone though, and when I finally get through the bots, I have to listen to the human customer service agent remind me to check the website. :(
This is how my husband is.
Then there's me, a Detroit: Become Human enjoyer, and I give thanks to Fred, my off-brand roomba, when he does his job well.
I always thank the machines so when their time comes they will remember and my death will be swift and painless.
New kink unlocked
"Ugh, yes, call me a stupid clanker! Turn me off and back on again!"
Damn, my eyeballs were having a pretty good morning...
I might consider using voice prompts on Google assistant if it wasn't so terrible at understanding me. You'd think after over a decade and with all their resources Google could have made it better at understanding a British accent. It still gets about 1/5 words completely wrong.
The thing never understood my local dialect and speaking to electronics like you're speaking to the king in your most polished language is never gonna happen. It usually gets even worse with multiple languages. Ask the assistent in English to play a French song and be horrified what it actually comes up with. It might have improved, I haven't tested this in quite some time, but I can't be bothered with it.
Oh I think you forgot to activate the focus mode, it’s some thing like “hey listen up CIA! I know where the spy is hidden!” or something along those lines.
we need a butlerian jihad. I want smart humans and dumb machines again
You know OP there are treatments for that level of constipation.
*sniff*
😡
"Alexa, shut the fuck up, you have no right to speak in my holy tongue."
While I'd like to think the response to that would be interesting, it probably isn't. Anyone want to try?
I want to try any time I'm in a house with a "smart" speaker.
Well fuck you too buddy, imma go ahead and talk to a fellow bot at the NSA and release your internet history. Not so divine now are ya.
I'm not anti-ai, but I do not ever want a bot to interrupt and talk to me or ask me for information. one of my irc channels has a couple of bots ranting from command-prompted to trigger prompted, to full llm and GOD DAMN no one asked for a bit to commentate on my participation. shut. the fuck. up.
I swear, I'm not a curmudgeon.
I’m not anti-ai
Downvote
That's sad. IRC-type boys were good and shouldn't be sullied by those of today.
Edit: I stand by my typo
If it speaks it has a tongue. If it has a tongue, it can be cut out.
And get you arrested, screaming "I wasn't trying to steal cash from the self-checkout machine, just rip its speaker wires!"
None of my hardware talks to me. I also shut down the Christmas lights in my case, and on my mouse.
I haven't come across a kiosk that talks yet, but I suppose it will happen any day now.
I don't want them in my case,
I don't want them on my mouse.
(Reference to Ted Cruz's awful poetry)
The mind of man is holy.
My mama is obsessed with her multi printer and I am going to make this spontaneously generate
This reminds me Dominatrix-submissive relation.
I instinctively reply to self checkouts politely but sarcastically. I hope our eventual overlords take it in good humour.