Ask Lemmy

"big gulps, huh? Well, see you later!"

No ticket

Why can you never have more that one egg?
Cause one egg is Un œuf (enough)

My favourite bilingual joke. It's so silly, it's so fantastic

"Why you know that cow is highly accomplished? Yeah they are outstanding in their field."

Appa from Kim's Convenience saying 'No, you!' to everything.

'You're deflecting.'

'No! You are deflecting!'

Who are you and how did you get in here?

I'm a locksmith and I'm a locksmith.

-"Anyway, your immunity Is due to the fact that you lack the delta brain wave. It's a genetic abnormality which resulted when you went back in time And performed certain actions which made you your own grandfather."

-"I did do the nasty in the past-y."

"Yes it's true, this man had no dick"

"Oh no, not again" from the paragraph:

"Curiously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was Oh no, not again. Many people have speculated that if we knew exactly why the bowl of petunias had thought that we would know a lot more about the nature of the Universe than we do now.

"But the water's clean".

Many years ago when a friend and I stopped at a rest stop and the sinks looked dirty. I said, "It's not very clean", they said that. Now for some reason it still pops into my head any time I wash my hands in a public restroom. Whyyyyyyyyyy.

Any variation of n n+1 (based on 67).

The wheel is spinning but the hamster is dead.

"It's like I tell my ex-wife. Honey...I never drive faster than I can see. And besides that, it's all in the reflexes."

• Today we're gonna teach poodles how to fly.
• Nothing says I love you like the gift of a spatula.
• You found the marble in the oatmeal! You win a drink from the firehose!

How do you stop an elephant from charging?

What do you call a hen that counts her own eggs? A mathemachicken.

What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot

"bottlesworth" as a unit of measure, from Look Around You, I think it was the sulfur episode

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

"Round of applause for Sean Lock everyone, he had a great carreer with many years in the industry, but then he brought back the Nazis"

Why was the sand wet?

The sea weed.

"HELLO GRAHAMOTHY!" "Hello murder boy!" "Oh nooo"

It was from a stream of a group of people playing Among Us with nearby audio. Graham kills two people, gets ejected. Ghosts can hear each other. So they ganged up on him for a bit lol

"ipso facto, my cheekbones are higher"

Homer Simpson thinking to himself:

"Aww, $20? I wanted a peanut."

"$20 can buy many peanuts."

"Explain how."

"Money can be exchanged for goods and services."

I think at least one part of this exchange to myself almost every time I buy anything.

One of my old coworkers at a previous job, I forget the exact context, but when he was asked to do something:

"Hey [Name], can you get this done?"

"Can the Pope's dick fit through a donut?"

".... I don't know?"

"Exactly 😎 👉 👉"

(The original is in swedish, so this is obviously translated)

Let’s see said the blind man to the deaf man

"What's brown and sticky?"

"A stick."

This one's been doing the rounds in my family for as long as I can remember.

Thanks to xkcd, whenever someone says "blank-ass blank" I mentally move the hyphen over, and depending on the person, if they say "that's a big-ass ball" I'll ask them "what's an ass-ball? And why is it big?"

https://xkcd.com/37/

"Supplise!"

Its from this dumb racist joke I heard as a kid:

An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese guy are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling."

And to the Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of supplies."

So the foreman goes away for a couple of hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

He replies "I no hava no broom, you saida to the Chinese guy that he wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."

The foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."

He replied, "Aye, ye did lad, bit ah couldnae git masel' a shuvl! Ye left thon wee Chinese mannie in chairge of supplies, bit ah couldnae fin' him onywhar."

The foreman is really pissed off now and storms off towards the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. As he approaches the mound, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the sand and yells…

"SUPPLISE!"

30 years later my partner and mother of my 2 children is Asian. Despite her best efforts her English is not great. We are a bilingual household, and this type of silly mis-spoken word thing comes up a lot.

Every time I read the word "supplies", like yesterday my printer alerted me that I need to order supplies, I have a little chuckle imagining an Asian guy jumping out and surprising me.

Its lame. Its based on a racist stereotype. I dont make fun of people with language difficulties. But I will always find this joke worth a chuckle.