One I’ve heard: a guy was giving another guy some shit for drinking a “girly drink”, saying “real men don’t drink those”.

The guy instantly responded, “Real men drink whatever the fuck they want.”

"I fucked your mom"

Oh, so now you're disappointing other people's parents?

If it's someone random, and I haven't said anything to them at all, I'll usually put on a confused face and sign "What?" in ASL. Really takes the piss out of them. The hardest part is keeping a straight face when they try to repeat the insult but louder.

It's also my go-to power move when I'm in a long line or waiting room and someone tries to get chatty. Seriously, if you have the opportunity to take some ASL classes, you definitely should.

I love that this thread is slowly developing into a Monkey Island sword fighting training course.

I pull out the "I'm rubber, you're glue". Nobody expects it these days, either that or "Would Mister Rogers approve of your actions?" I've yet to meet someone who doesn't at least pause at that.

I can't pull it off, but "I'm thinking you weren't burdened with an over-abundance of schooling." From Firefly is killer

Your mother was a hamster, and your father smells of elderberries.

"How appropriate, you fight like a cow"

That's just like... Your opinion man

"Well, I guess you're no longer invited to my birthday party."

Said to a random person, it confuses the hell out of them.

If someone calls you a pussy, the best response is "you are what you eat, dick."

The best comeback to an insult in general is:

"Who is this clown?"

Because it not only calls them a clown, but it infers they aren't even popular enough to be a well-known clown.

"No u"

“Sorry, I’m not going to have a battle of wits with someone who is clearly unarmed.”

Ignoring them. Nothing grinds their gears more.

Someone asked if I was dropped as a baby due to my performance difficulties and I responded by saying she’d know it would've been worth it if she was ever held.

You are rubber, I am glue.

No one insults me, so these aren't field tested.

"Oh yeah? Well, the jerk store called and they're running out of you."

"I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!"

"Yeah, well, you know, that’s just, like, your opinion, man."

"What you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."

"I didn't realise the circus was in town!"

"Were your parents siblings, or was it just a lot of head trauma?"

"I'd tell you to read the room, but we both know reading isn't your strong suite."

"What other tricks can you do?"

"keep going with that, it's turning me on"

If someone calls you fat.

Ya I'm fat but I can lose weight. The hell are you going to do with that face.

How to deal with bullies is actually pretty good advice.

“Don’t get smart with me.”

“I’m beginning to doubt that’s even possible.”

Bonus points if you can say this to a cop.

So?

"I've been called worse by better people".

In my southern portion of the US, I find it better to just let shit slide. Never know who is armed with two short cannons, a .38 snub, and the reason for their lifted truck that has never seen "off" roads.

The best response to every insult is "ok". Say that and walk away.

ignore entirely the context and the insult,"I need you to do two things: Shut up and go away."

Excuse me, did you mean to say that out loud?

and

Insecure much?

I think in general, sometimes a glittering beautiful so sharp it cuts to the bone comeback just comes to mind, and sometimes it doesn't, so it's good to remember that what people say, says more about them personally than the person they are talking about.

If you want my cum back you'll have to scrape it off your mother's teeth - Jimmy Carr