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Logo design credit goes to: tubbadu
Any mention of "family" and I'm out. You aren't my fucking family. I barely tolerate any of you, and I only go that far because I am forced to participate in this bullshit just so I can feed and shelter myself. Just give me my project, shut your dick sheath, and let me grind my life away in silence.
On a totally unrelated note, "team player".
I can’t read this shit on the weekend you guys are killing me :p
Any talk of "we" from the boss really means "you". It's exceptionally maddening when the boss is already a POS who has an A+ for delegation but F- for teamwork and care factor.
"going forward."
Yeah, "from now on" worked fine there Phill.
Lessons learned
"pAiN pOiNtS"
these are not knots in muscles they are severe institutional shortcomings and failings that are draining us all, making us want to jump ship, hazardous, and in some cases even making the company lose profit but you fuckheads just want to write down pAiN pOiNtS and jerk yourselves and the shareholders off instead of actually doing ANYTHING MEANINGFUL
Place I worked at some time ago made a big speech and unveiled the following company motto to a lot of confused faces: "Engagement makes awareness sustainable."
Nice. I'll drive alignment on this value with my directs. I'll status you tomorrow.
Wow, lots of “double clicks”, which is fairly new to the usual list.
Because it's new and awful. Also implies that these massive new work is just a simple tasks. 0/10
“Learnings”
Yes its an old word and was repopularized by Borat of all things.
Ugh. Just say lessons or something. Leanings just sounds … wrong.
We're going to hyperconverge our core past the edge node and clear out to the cloud!
I still hate "leverage" used as a synonym for "use." "We leverage technologies" yeah sure, when was the last time you had your asshole leveraged?
Next biz bro bestseller: "Leverage the power of your bowels to produce fertiliser that promotes growth"
Here at Lemmy, we are steadfastly committed to leveraging our core competencies in order to drive strategic alignment across all functional units. Our focus remains unwavering on fostering a culture of continuous innovation and optimizing synergies that propel us towards achieving scalable growth and value creation for our stakeholders. By embracing agile methodologies and harnessing cutting-edge technologies, we endeavor to stay ahead of the curve, ensuring robust ROI while maintaining unparalleled customer-centricity in every facet of our operations.
Should you have any further inquiries or require additional insights into our visionary pursuits, please do not hesitate to connect with us. Together, let’s pioneer new paradigms and redefine excellence!
Congratulations, you win both this thread and my disgust. This is literally every company in software development these days.
Collaborator instead of employee. That's a usage that has spread through every company in French. It's infuriating how it.she just plain lying.
"double click" to mean "focus on" or "explore in more depth"
This one comes from Excels Pivot tables, where you double click to see the source data, but it got picked up and bastardized
Given the ubiquity of double clicking, I imagine it has many origins.
Typical double click request is as follows:
Manager: Leadership wants a "double click" on the numbers on slide 8.
Doer: What do they want to see.
M: Well they wanted to see more about the numbers on slide 8 they thought it was interesting.
D: What number? Interesting how?
M: They want a double click? Does that work? How long will that take?
D: ummm a week?
Sorry, I run KDE.
Yesterday I aligned with Harold from the CD team on how to pull the data off their SI table, and so today I'm going to work on validating that data. I'll probably be done by tomorrow
"We're family"
I fell for this once. Thought it sounded great. Everyone at that place hated each other, constantly spread rumors and sabotaged each other's work.
#1 toxic workplace red flag
War room
You're a Karen and you're going to talk to Pete from accounting about what gift to buy for Sally's birthday
Effectuate
I'm going to effectuate this pole right up the ass of the next person to use that word.
Touch base
“Learnings” - you’re not fucking Borat!
I haaaaate this one! It's lessons ffs lessons.
"It doesn't scale", meaning the company might have to (shudder) hire people if our business doubles.
"Department / Corporate Retreat"
As in, "we're holding our annual corporate retreat next Wednesday! It'll be offsite, you're all required to be there, and we'll be spending the day having a 6 hour meeting about absolutely nothing, just like we do every year. But dont worry, when we're done we'll play a game no one wants to play, or do a craft no one wants to do, but everyone will pretend they enjoy it because if they don't, they're not 'team players.'"
This year, our day-long-nothing-meeting was about how management is working to secure everyone's jobs despite budget cuts, and we have nothing to worry about. Then we took a personality quiz that said I was a character from Stranger Things. Then the next day, they told me I'm getting laid off and have 3 months left at the company.
Fucking RETREATS are so relaxing.
