Curated Tumblr

Omfg this shit is hillarious. Thank you for sharing this :D

I was a little shit in highschool and when asked a by military recruiter if I was interested in joining up, my autistic ass channeled the raw spite of the Vietnam and Korean war vets I knew and I responded "What ya wanna get fragged? There are far simpler forms of suicide." While I hold that I was well within my rights apparently the socially acceptable response to simply say no.

Also you aren't supposed to threaten to murder folks with wide eyes and a smile, I disagree.

Simply relatable.

Holy hell I haven't laughed like that in months my god, thank you so much

Taking a break from running a TV camera at an event, I said to another camera operator who was in a wheelchair, "It feels great to get out of there and just walk around!" He considered this for a moment and just replied, "Yeah."

Is it me, or are 95% of these not misread social cues but just pronunciation fuckups?

A couple decades ago, I got a call from an ex-girlfriend who said she just tested positive for Chlamydia and recommended I get myself tested, just to be safe.

I went to my doctor, who had a bunch of questions about my sexual health before he administered the test. One of the questions he asked was, "do you use condoms?"

Of course, the answer was "yes," but for some reason, my mouth defaulted to the word, "no."

I was about to correct myself, but out of nowhere, the doctor screamed in my face, "Are you STUPID?!" I was so stunned by his sudden outburst, I froze on the spot.

He them proceeded to lecture me on proper sexual safety, half shouting at me. It was too late to fix the mistake; I felt like he'd think I was backpedaling to stay out of trouble at that point. I resigned myself to sitting through a lengthy, angry lecture.

By the way, I tested negative. My doctor was genuinely surprised. I was not.

Back when cell phones were uncommon I did the sentence merge thing. When the GF came home I said "Hi mom." Instead of "Hi [GF], your mom called." She and her coworker who had come over for dinner didn't know what to say.

In a Japanese language course, students were assigned native speaker penpals. I had asked some pretty boring questions in the first letter like how old are you, what are your hobbies, etc. The teacher proofread the letters before we sent them. The feedback I got: you really don't need to ask what nationality they are, there's only one country that uses Japanese. I turned beet red on that one.

I was working at a local auto parts store and two of my coworkers were commiserated about how their first month they'd both answer the phones with, "thank you for calling Autozone." Instead of the store name out of reflex. We all had a laugh and I proceeded to immediately answer the next call with "thank you for calling Autozone."

I've never worked at Autozone.

When I was in middle school I walked straight through the middle of a fight. Even went right between the two dudes who were throwing punches at each other. I was really confused as to why people were bunched up in the hallway until an old teacher who used to be in the military came out and started yelling at the top of his lungs.

I was a server at TGIF. New menu item - the Cedar-seared salmon Caesar salad. Try saying that fast.

Anyways, can't remember if I was repeating the order back or what, but I said "cedar-seared Caesar semen salad" and paused for a second, made a face and pretended I didn't say it. Noone said anything and I avoided the table as much as I could.

Half asleep walking to work I said hello back to a guy. Turned out he was talking to someone on the phone with earbuds.

Friend of mine was moritified when I asked a Mormon elder who started talking to us if they still believed in bigamy. She thought I meant sodomy.

Also, one of the commenters here said they worked at a dog hotel? Is that a thing?

When my kid was but a newborn, they were having trouble latching. We had to take them in for a very small procedure to get them to be able to feed properly. I could see their mother was having trouble dealing with it, so I tried to say "the doctor says it won't hurt" and "do you want me to hold [the kid]?" Ended up saying "do you want me to hurt them?"

The doctor counseled against that action.

On a separate event, years before that kid was born, I had to take my first dog to the vet and he had to get a shot. He was clearly nervous but the vet tech was holding him, so I rubbed his neck and ear to comfort him throughout. Only just as they were finishing up did I realize I had also, entirely accidentally, been rubbing the vet tech's hand. She didn't say anything until I realized and apologized profusely, but it was still mortifying.

edit: Punctuation.