Ask Lemmy

Make me feel like an the intrusive thoughts that Han my self esteem are exactly correct and I shouldn't bother struggling against them anymore.

The point of no return for me was Bumble. Advertising a dating site that forced women to initiate interaction and continuing to get only silence in spite of paying for it.

Great I matched! Crickets

Rinse repeat until I feel like scum at the bottom of everyone's shoes.

M, late thirties at the time. Okatyish looking.

I only ever used one website for about 2 months. I looked at profiles and initiated contact most of the time. About 90 % of conversations happend with me writing the first messsge. Chatted for a bit longer with three or four people, but that fizzeled out and never went anywhere. Then wrote with a woman that had actually written me. Got a date in person after writing rather briefly.

Dated her a couple of days later. Then again the next week and the weeks after that. Married 2 years after our first date, we had twins six months later.

The crazy thing is that she had only opened the website to delete her profile, but came along mine while doing so. She waited for 2 weeks untill i wrote back.

So, 100% of all dating website related dates have been a fuckin blast. Highly recommended.

I've been happily married for seven and a half years, and we met on a dating app which I ended up using for only a month or so.

It was my first time using such a thing, I was in my late 30s and mildly curious about those apps the Kids These Days seem to like. I installed one (OKCupid) and was basically daring the silly thing to work. I figured if I was going to try that sort of thing, I was going to do it in a very practical way. I made sure everything about me I thought might be a red flag for someone out there was featured prominently in my profile:

• Here's exactly where I am politically, religiously, etc.
• Here's my real age.
• Here's my firm disinterest in parenthood.
• Here's my bisexuality but also my monogamousness, yes those two things can go together.
• Here's the neighborhood I really live in, not the nearest fashionable one.
• Here are a bunch of weird hobbies and pursuits of mine.
• Here are social and political things about which I'm a vocal activist.
• Here's some of the art, comedy, and other creative stuff I do, and a bit of the weirder end of my sense of humor.
• Here's the fact that my username there was also the one I've used everywhere online for decades (here included) and I've had a pretty active online presence ever since there's been such a thing, so I'm fairly searchable before you even say hello.
• Here are photos of me I quite like but also some I think I look particularly fat/old/unflattered in, and ones that clearly show off certain things I like to do with my personal style (for example, I'm a cis masculine-presenting guy who wears nail polish.)

In addition to filling the hell out of my profile with all this, I had a lot of fun with the app's survey questions and generally gave really involved answers.

My attitude on the app was one of blatant honesty. I'd heard so many horror stories about people meeting on dating apps and the person turning out to be nothing like their profile, look nothing like their photo, etc. to the point of false advertising, and I really failed to understand the logic behind that; why lie to someone from the start, as if they won't actually realize you lied to them when they meet you?

Another important factor for me was that when I got on the app I was just getting back into dating, having recently taken a long break from such things to work on myself and recover from a toxic and abusive relationship. Among other crappy things, my former abuser had spent the duration of our time together disapproving of and trying to force me to change fundamental things about myself in ways that caused me a lot of long-term harm and I was not interested in going through that sort of thing again. I'd rather someone who doesn't like thing X about me would see that thing on my profile right up front and so choose not to engage with me, rather than have them get interested but find out that deal-breaker thing about me later and be disappointed. I came at it from the angle of saying "hey, I'm here, this is what I'm like, and here's a bunch of stuff about me you might not like." I wasn't necessarily trying to scare people off, but I wanted to see if anyone out there would see all those things about me and still potentially like me.

Long story long, it worked. I got messaged by someone who saw my profile and liked it, I liked hers, and we really clicked from the start. (Our first date was meant to be a quick cup of tea at a cafe, and ended up being many hours of walking and talking around town.) We totally fell for one another, dated, moved in together, got married, and nearly ten years after that first date we're still ridiculously happy. She is literally my favorite person in the entire world. Her joys and weirdnesses and my joys and weirdnesses mesh together so perfectly, and our relationship has always been based on complete honesty and open communication and sharing. We've seen and supported each other through the highest highs, lowest lows, and everything in between. It's the healthiest, happiest, and closest romance, friendship, and personal relationship of any kind I've ever had, and every day we spend together is better than the last. Among a lot of people who know us we're that obnoxiously-cute couple. We even have podcasts and other creative projects together nowadays, it's so goddamn gross. 🥰

Ton of matches at the start and then you run out. Unless you’re really attractive/in a very dense area, take your time with the matches. My very first one was really legit, showed up and texted back consistently. If I had known how rare that is, I wouldn’t have quit until it was for sure over.

But yeah it’s basically just a bulletin board. You’re not going to meet your dream person. You’re going to meet randoms you wouldn’t run into otherwise.

A friend of mine had a pretty shitty marriage, which ultimately led to a divorce. When he finally wanted to start dating again he figured he'd try tinder. Used the app to hook up just once, decided to start dating the woman, ended up marrying her, they're happy to this day. I think they've been together 6 years or so, maybe married for 4.

I think he had planned to use it to hook up with a lot of people, but he couldn't escape his monogamous nature. He wasn't really gonna sleep with a bunch of women and never speak to them again, I don't think he could.

I met my wife on a dating app, so pretty good

Worthless

Well, on the one hand I was raped on a first date with a guy from tinder. On the other hand, when I returned to the apps 4 years later, I went on one date, which turned out to be with the man I’m going to marry.

So I guess I’ve hit both the 0% and 100% success rate.

Female, mid 30s, looking for a man also in his 30s, looking for a long term relationship.

I hated online dating, but I felt like it was a bit of a necessary evil. Some of my friends had said to try it out because I "needed to find someone to stay in the country" (background: I was on a work visa at the time, and we always joked about it even though I made it clear I was 100% going to get citizenship on my own, not via someone else).

I used it for only about 3 months before I found my partner. He had a different experience - I think he said he was on and off for a year on Hinge, but also hated it. I tried different apps like Coffee Meets Bagel (catfished on my first connection, so I deleted it.. Luckily, I found out before meeting him because one day, I saw his account was removed and a TOS violation message was in our chat. Also way too many weirdos and people I wasn't interested in), Bumble (too anxious to make the first move), then free version of Hinge.

I found Hinge suited me best because of said anxiety, and I could change my location. (note: this was also during the covid years, and I lived in a small town where everyone knew each other. I was in Melbourne every weekend anyway, and I made it clear early to each connection where I lived, and they were all okay with it.) I had a lot of matches (I think females seem to get more matches), but because I'm picky and will run from any potential red flags, I only chatted with three people, met two, picked one. He's still here 4 years later.

I think the biggest problem is that people are judged based on limited photos and prompts. Some of these "weird" or "red flag" people could have been the nicest guys, but just put up photos I didn't like, had low effort answers ("just ask", or cliche answers), or worded their answers in ways I interpreted as red flaggy. Much like a resume, I suppose. They could be the best fit, but someone else fit "better" on paper.

I'm not a fan of dating apps but I'm glad I did it because I found someone. If I didn't, maybe I came away with learning a little more about myself and hating on dating apps more. My partner and I are a great fit, but if it weren't for the app, we had nothing in common in terms of activities... We would never have crossed paths otherwise.

I really enjoyed reading the responses, so thanks for asking the question!

You need to go at it with the right attitude and be okay with rejection and FOMO (the main business model of dating apps). I'd recommend meeting in person early and moving on quickly if it's clearly not going to work out. Be nice to the people on the other end!

Stil, I don't really like dating apps. The way they monetise preys on people's emotions in a pretty ugly way. It's also sad that capitalism even commodifies love/relationships. But as a person who struggles with meeting people in person I can't deny they help. And considering I met my wife through a dating app, I can't really argue with the results.

I (20 Year Old Male for context) tried a few except Tinder (I’ve always been told Tinder is just for Hookups).

Did you find a partner using it? Nope. I met my current partner after ditching the apps, while looking for people to play Stardew with of all things.

How long did you use it? About a week for each.

What did you think about it? It struck me as exploitative of people’s loneliness and very reductionist with reducing the process down to something with no human interaction. I’d almost go as far to say it’s dehumanizing.

How many matches did you get? 1.

What problems did you see? There’s the aforementioned exploitation. It kind of makes it harder in my opinion to get to know anyone like you would traditionally.

Do you think it’s a good way to meet other people? I don’t think so. I wouldn’t say it never works, but I don’t think chances are high.

What did you use it for / what was your intention? I was looking for a long term partner and relationship.

My experience: its scourge and a scam.

If you live somewhere with less than millions of people, pool of viable matches is likely so small there is just no point. And if you dont want to pay money, its even more waste of your time.

I doubt its much better for females either, though they likely have opposite problem; have to pick the right one out of sea of shit and hope they dont accidentally choose someone who they really dont want to choose.

All in all, dating apps just damage natural partner finding system and should be banned.

For me, i really lucked out and found someone without having to use one. I did try several application for some time and its just like drinking saltwater when you need water. Definitely not worth using any of them, you just waste your time and might delude yourself that you might find someone by using them when you should instead try other things, thus actively preventing yourself from finding anyone.

I met my wife IRL, but that was after more than a decade on dating apps and multiple long relationships from them. They are the best tool ever created for learning to accept rejection, and learning to feel attraction dynamics/what your preferred partner may be attracted to. Best tool ever, also, if you struggle with confidence around your attracted gender, or struggle with self esteem. Even hyper attractive people who are looking for "the one" have to learn to overcome these things, it's just how romantic value works psychologically. These issues used to be my main barriers (and some baggage) and I didn't have a single date for 8 years before I decided "fuck it" and made a tinder account. It was awkward and it fucking sucked at first. Actually, using the app basically always fucking sucked, but it generated hope, at least, and opportunity. I had social and performance anxiety out the ass in the beginning, though.

Relationships/dating are like anything else: practice makes perfect. It sounds weird, I know. You don't need multiple partners necessarily, but you will grow and change and being in a relationship is the only way to promote that growth and change specifically in response to a relationship. In addition to "practice", these apps also allow you a LOT of vetting before you spend a single dollar or minute on a bad fit. This can be so frustrating with meeting people IRL and finding out a deal breaker after a LOT of investment. Usually you're only getting big picture information, but for me, a person who doesn't jive with the majority of the culture in my community (religion & politics), they were an absolute game changer!

It's been a long time, so take a big grain of salt with these recommendations, there may be better or more specific options for you! Hinge was my favorite. I only actually went out on dates with 3 people, but they were all high quality encounters. This was just after it came out, too, so there is probably a bigger user base now? Second I would say bumble, but it's a little more specialized.

A long time ago tinder was the best for volume and minimal investment time, it was also the one I used the longest and with by far the most success. Not sure how it is now, but as the cis man I was at the time I swiped right on every single profile and didn't get myself invested by being picky in the searching phase on tinder. There is plenty of time to reject before the first meet up and, even with people who swipe you back, the vast majority will simply ghost you after a bit, and that's just how it is, unless you are lucky enough to be drop dead gorgeous. I was learning not to set myself up for heartbreak by dreaming dreams I was gathering from pictures and text blurbs. You must learn to accept the rejection and stop letting it bother you first, and tinder was amazing at that, eventually you run out of people in your area, or at least I did, but this strategy on tinder made it so I didn't waste a lot of time reading and lopsidedly investing in anyone who was going to simply swipe my ass left in 0.5 milliseconds anyway. You can also run into people you know on any of these apps, which can be good or bad. Patience is key, don't lose hope, gain strength and resilience. Frame it as practice and self improvement, and not as magically finding the one in the first week.

Lastly, my absolute best dating advice in retrospect is MAKE YOURSELF HAPPY FIRST. Find a passion, find what fires you up, find your creativity, explore things that make you uncomfortable, take yourself on trips, or out to interesting activities with interesting people, grow as much as you possibly can outside of a relationship, even after you are in one. Regardless of gender, race, culture, sexuality, etc. every human on earth is attracted to passion, security, and ambition in a partner. Work on those traits first (also: hit the gym/eat right, it's just the reality of physical attraction) and you will attract people to you, which is natural and the ultimate goal in order to meet a person that can grow with the best version of you. In short, become the person you would be attracted to and definitely do not expect your future partner to make you into that person, or allow you to become that person after the fact. It's on you, no matter what stage of the journey you are at when you meet them.

The security of self actualization also allows you to feel confident enough in yourself to recognize when a relationship isn't working and take action, which is absolutely essential to not becoming trapped because you don't think you could do better, or find anyone else. No matter what people say, no one is ever attracted to another person, indefinitely, simply because that person is also attracted to them, it doesn't happen. Even in the highest value partners across the spectrum of all humans ever, attraction waxes and wanes. So, if your goal is a rock solid, "grow old together" kind of love, you absolutely must build it on a solid foundation that will survive the difficult moments, and that isn't possible without being solid within yourself first and foremost.

I would not have had the confidence, or relationship skills to have met and married my wife without my time learning about myself through the use of these apps.

Used hinge, tinder, okcupid, and maybe a couple others. I'm a guy who doesn't date men, 30s, in a large urban area, average looks and fitness.

I found I could get about a date a week if I put in effort. Most people aren't putting in effort. Most of your effort is going to go into the void. You just have to accept that most people kind of suck and aren't going to respond. But just reading their profile and sending a message like a normal person puts you well above average.

Many people seem to just half ass it and I don't understand why. Like, their profile says they love NK Jemisen. You write that you love her books and ask if they read her latest. They write back with "no", and of message, no follow up. Like how do you expect that to work out favorably? If you don't have time, don't respond. If you're not interested, unmatch. A dead end reply just wastes everyone's time.

The apps themselves are not focused on good outcomes. They want money. That doesn't always mean giving you the best match right away. But sometimes it works out anyway.

Have used the apps on and off for a while. When things didn't go well on them and swiping and chatting only to be ghosted was taking a toll on me, I deleted them and focused on other things in my life for a few months, then returned.

When I still set myself as looking for men on the apps, I'd get a 10:1 ratio of likes from men to women/NB. Men who swiped on me would often be obviously incompatible if they read my profile or have minimum effort profiles. So I turned off looking for men on the apps.

Where I live is pretty accepting of LGBTQ+ people and there's a good sized queer scene IRL so I can easily find events to meet queer people. However I have severe RBF, generally act unapproachable in-person, look a little scary, am clueless to hints, and don't drink or party, so for meeting women I use the apps and IRL events specifically for single people.

Not a lot of success so far, but I've learned a LOT about what I don't like in a person. I've learned to listen to my instincts. When things felt off and I carried on with the dates I met on the apps, things went badly. As a result, I'm much more in touch with what I want too. I was in a long-term relationship for years before where I compromised too much and settled with someone who I never should have. Dating many people has allowed my own preferences and desires to resurface and has given me a lot of confidence and self-esteem back.

I tried tinder once 8 years ago when I moved to a new city. Quickly deleted it. Basically every swipe was a match but then the men would not answer, eventually unmatched without ever answering or immediately text something sexual. Oh and so many "my profile says X but actually...." I think I met with three guys over the course of three month or so and they all tried to pressure me into having sex on the first or second date. One even mocked me for thinking any man would look for anything other than quick sex on tinder.

So it was pretty horrible and I felt mostly unsafe with the guys I met so I quickly stopped using it. I think it's a horrible way to meet people.

Tried one for the first time about a year ago, but only for a few days. Bi poly woman, looking for any poly individuals of any gender. (Not interested in being a unicorn for bicurious couples.)

I figured Feeld would be a good choice since its kink/queer-friendly.

• within one day I had over 70 likes. Despite living in a small town and setting <20km range. Almost every single one was from a (gender declared as) man that hadn't bothered to fill out their profiles with anything at all. Maybe a third didn't even have a picture (not that it would've mattered, because I want to meet people not bodies, but who do they think is going to swipe right on a sunset, or on Wrath of the Lich King box art?)

• Plenty of couples looking for unicorns that listed themselves as one person to be on my feed anyway. Always with vague filler that tells me nothing about them or what they're looking for, stuff like 'connect and see where it goes'.

• plenty of (hypothetical) women that were theoretically looking, but actually the profile was their male partner, whom you had to talk to first, despite saying nothing about her. No photos, no hobbies, nothing about her as a person. Idk if he was standing guard to feel in control and soothe his relationship insecurities, or if she wanted him to protect her from all the risk/effort, but either way: nope. They're almost never looking for a mutual experience, theyre looking for a volunteer to perform her fantasies for free

• I had every permutation of individual switched on: trans men, women (cis or trans), enbies etc included... but 99% of what I saw was cis men. I don't know if they were promoted by the app or they really are almost all of the users, but the app would literally start looping through the same empty profiles of cis men without ever showing me a queer woman (that wasn't a couple pretending)

• Once I stopped including cis men (which i felt very conflicted about but i was so fucking overwhelmed), I finally started seeing queer women (and more unicorn hunters ofc). Almost all of them had fully filled out profiles but the amount of likes dropped to like... 2 over the remaining 3 days I had the app installed.

• one pan man put a 'super like' on me which let me see him directly, he'd actually filled put his profile which was great because it gave me something to open with. We had a great conversation but I slowed down on meeting up in person right away because I needed to attend to some real-life needs and invited him to connect outside the app while that happened, which he agreed with but then kinda disappeared without doing so. Maybe he assumed I wasn't actually interested or I would take too long, idk. A shame because I did like him

I have a (mostly) straight male partner and he showed me his app experience: most of the straight women didn't bother filling out their profiles at all either, nor did gay men. It seemed only queer women filled it out almost every time? We theorised that the queer dating pool is really small so it's understood you have to represent yourself to be seen, and women want to have an idea of who you are before they reach out.

Meeting other women is hard so I'd probably need to get back on apps at some point, but damn. Really do feel sorry for everybody out there. All of the people I've actually dated have been met in-person.

I'm super picky and not very good looking, so my "swipe right" rate is less than 1%.

I used OkCupid a while back. Found myself in a relationship for about six years. Eventually we decided to kinda' go our separate ways.

Used it again. Got back into a relationship. It's been ten years.

My one regret is that when I was first using the site about 15 years ago I sent them 5 bitcoin to turn off ads for six months.

I feel like they're a boon to someone like me who doesn't like to ask people out or even express interest in folks. "People should be able to go about their lives without someone like me hitting on them," and that kind of thing. An app is a good way to opt-in to solicitation and has a low barrier to entry.

Used OkCupid about 9 years ago (mid 30s male). I tried it for a few weeks, liked what it was at the time, and did the 3 month cheap trial premium it whatever it was to get some additional data basically.

There were 3 girls I talked to repeatedly, and a bunch of one and done conversations.

Girl 1 seemed fun and had what seemed like good energy. We were supposed to talk on the phone and set up a date, I believe the situation was, but I was hanging out at my bandmate's house and lost track of time and she started flipping out on text for not calling. It seemed pretty excessive for us never having met or anything yet, so I called it quits on that one.

Girl 2 was quieter and a little bit reserved, but I really enjoyed talking to her. I really wanted to meet her, but she never got over her nerves or whatever it was to call or hang out, and she would go a few days without being online to chat, so I didn't know if it would lead anywhere.

Girl 3 was very conversational and outgoing. I feel we talked a week or so on the online chat and then we talked on the phone. We were supposed to meet up, but I didn't hear from her. She had ended up falling asleep after work and was apologetic about it. We ended up hanging out later and hit it off very well.

We've been together almost every day since and got married this November.

So it took about a month for me to have success. My story seems to be an outlier. She had many bad experiences before meeting me. I feel bad that I hear they trashed the app though. I really enjoyed the experience and thought the matching process was pretty nice.

Used tinder, got married, been married for a few years now. 9/10, the app deserves a 3, but it worked.

Used OKCupid from ~2008 to 2016. Maybe 10 or so 1-2 month relationships in that time. Plenty of first dates. Then met my wife. Married in '23.

I've heard it's a fucking nightmare now though. OKCupid used to be all about the profiles and questions, but soon after we stopped using it, it turned into a Tinder clone with just photos. Add in a healthy dose of AI, and I'm sure it's a very unpleasant time.

Something no one seems to have mentioned in this thread is what a huge culture change Tinder was. Tinder singlehandedly made online dating mainstream. Before Tinder I've literally had a couple of women tell me they would never meet anyone from online dating sites, that it just reeks of desperation, that it's like putting an ad in a newspaper for a date and there's no substitute for meeting someone in real life. A couple of years later everyone is on Tinder (including those same people). People shifted almost entirely to online dating and approaching anyone asking for a date IRL became "too forward and unwelcome".

I think online dating has always been a cesspool of women getting creepy and threatening messages and guys shouting into the void with unreplied messages. Sure it pays off for some (I've seen some friends get dates and hookups, but back then no one wanted to admit to meeting online), but the widespread acceptance of these platforms hasn't changed the fact that every website and app is just an enshitified mess.

Used tinder for a bit less than a year in 2019. I was about to turn 30. I'm not very social and outgoing and when I went out to have drinks I usually had a lot of guy friends with me which isn't very helpful when you're single.

It was.. interesting. Being ghosted, people not showing up to dates or being outright mean took a toll on my self esteem but I also met my spouse there and 6 years later we're happier than ever. We wouldn't have met without the app so I'm thankful :)

I have met several people - and eventually my wife - via apps. I'd describe the process as painful, possibly soul-sucking. I would not consider myself attractive, but am not super ugly either. It took a lot of effort though, and was generally highly depressing. I guess it worked, but I feel like there have to be better ways.

The sad truth is, these apps are not great for minorities, so I never had much luck on them. OkCupid’s articles and statistics further proved this. I miss when they used to release their in depth info, before Match bought them out.

I used them about 10yrs ago. Right when Tinder was starting to pick up in popularity I was thankfully able to get off of them.

My general experience is swiping through hundreds of people to get a few matches that seem promising only for none of them to respond to my intro messages (which I do take the time to write something unique and related to interests on their profile). The few that do respond typically stop responding after a day or two, I usually give it a couple weeks and then unmatch. Rinse and repeat for about a year and I might eventually end up managing to go out for coffee once a year, and it's really a coin toss whether a second date happens.

It's pretty discouraging but I did meet my current partner on tinder. It just takes a lot of time and patience, and not letting the experience make you disillusioned or jaded.

Perspective of Average looking guy in his 30s.

No. Did not find, got one date once.

Used for years on and off.

It was horrible.

One match a month at most that was not a bot.

Biggest problem: lopsided demand for male vs females.

Terrible way to meet people.

Used it in an attempt to find a girlfriend.

On one hand, they were absolutely crap to deal with and awfully predatory. That said, I met my spouse on Hinge so I guess I owe them enough to say it worked. Just don't pay and don't get discouraged when it takes time to get there.

Found my now-husband on Hinge. I was on the app a while (a year and change) before we matched, but he told me that I was his first match on it. There were a lot of duds and a few first dates that led nowhere, but I didn't have any interaction with people I felt where dangerous or anything like that. Hinge also didn't feel like it had anything that felt overtly monetized compared to other dating apps (like bumble). This was back in 2020 so I have no idea what it's like now.

Used many of the dating sites/apps over the years. Tinder, OkCupid, PlentyofFish, Match, Hinge, Happn, Facebook Dating and at least one or two others. Literally found nothing on ALL of them. I had one date from OkCupid, a coffee date. And it was hella awkward, it lasted maybe 30 minutes, and we both went our separate ways.

The very few matches I would get would either net me a "promotional" message for their OF page, or I would get one word responses for 3 messages and then ghosted. I would say at least 70% of the accounts I ever even interacted with were bots or fakes of some form.

One good success story though, and I'm still with her to this day, is from Bumble. I used Bumble several times over the years, and usually had my same luck, but 2 and a half years ago I matched with someone and we hit it off from the start. We're still going strong 🤙🏻🤙🏻

It's really a shot in the dark on that shit. You'll most likely find nonsense, but if you're a gamblin' fella, the reward could be worth the risk.

It's a tool that is quite capable of the task. But you have to guide it, not let it guide you.

Every time I used tinder it was a success. Got many few night stands and 2 girlfriends from it. I attribute my success to 2 things:

• city size. At around 1.5M is the ideal size. More than that, and it's hard to be seen. Less than that, there may not be enough people.
• Learn how to make a good profile and understand it's a numbers game.