Me, the DM: You return from behind the tent, nude. Elyse the Erinyes returns from behind the tent wearing your clothing. The ogre returns from behind the tent wearing her clothing.

It's the French you made along the way.

Wanting to fuck your sister isn't a good enough excise to do a genocide.

The first line in one of my campaigns from a player:

"It seems you have been given the test of race, and you have failed"

• "if I die, I die holding vampire smut"

• "I guess he's going to fist fight the helicopter"

"But I don't have a cloaca."

Context, if you want it:

From Shadowrun but still...

"Its not terrorism, its a distract spell thats materials involve C4 and a bridge"

I guess this isn't NO context but:

Innkeeper married to a nixie: “The Fey never do anything without a price...”

“... How much did you pay for your wife?”

From Divinity Original Sin 2 co-op. Not my campaign, but I was wheezing for five minutes from this:

"So are we the bad guys?"
"I don't know, but I'm about to kill her with her own dad."

"How is this bow cursed? We built it ourselves... with sinew from a drow... that we tortured to death. Yeah, okay. It's cursed."

• "I think that Ashenthroat guy might be a Dragon in disguise"
• "Kill it!!! But don't hurt it, awwww."
• "Don't worry GM, I wont make you improvise info on every single soldier NPC. - Ok, so you there, what's your name and why are you here?"
• "If we take every hostile NPC we come across prisoner to await a 100% death-sentence, instead of killing them here and now, we'll have to start building concentration camps soon and I don't know if that's actually better or worse."
• "Maybe don't kill the beast?" - "Too late, running now!"
• "Gentlemen, can't we solve this peacefully?" - "Yes, of course, we're always ready to talk. But only if it ends with you dead." - "You seemed to have missed the point there."

"If he seduces something from the mineral kingdom now, he's collected the whole set."

"Is this because we didn't have sex yet?"

"Is it okay if I have an anger problem?"

"I shout at the door."

"I lift the spyglass so my rat can see."

"Does the rat look through the spyglass?"

"It's hard to tell."

"I aim the paper airplane at the crowd."

"IS CHILD ABUSE WRONG? LIKE ME CHECK MY CHAIM.

...

NO."

"Is there a cat nearby?"

"Like, a normal cat?"

"Yeah."

"It's a mansion, I don't see why not. Yeah, let's say there's a cat."

"Is anyone looking?"

[DM, suddenly filled with concern] "... no...?"

"I will teach these halfling savages the meaning of private property!"

"I cast longsword!"

"Does the paladin's piss count as holy water?"

"You described the mech as being similar to a Gundam. So it's a mobile suit? Does that mean I'm technically wearing it on my person?"

"Watch out for the ass-grabbing ghosts!"

"I struggle like a dog being given a pill."

"No, don't activate your telepathy! I don't want your mind-herpes!"

"Wait, why is a duck that lays eggs named Mr. Quackers?" "Mr. Quackers can be whatever he wants!"

"I cast Prestidigitation and pee his pants."

"Hey Nyarlathotep, wanna see something funny?"

• "Does my gaydar tell me anything about how to get back to civilisation?"
• "Listen up, Poundland-Sundowner"
• "So wait, I blew up the mayor's house and my punishment is I'm made into a college professor?"
• "Now back to mare's milk"

“Shut the door, things are gonna get weird”

• Can the bread make a will save?

• No, you're still prone. You used Dimension Slide, not Dimension Rotate.

• Will a Limited Wish spell prevent you from being brain damaged?

"I could feed him my candy cane to revive him"

What kind of man buys another man juice?!

My character hasn't noticed the living bushes and decides to take his morning shit behind them

DM: not sure if I should count this as an attack

"Come on, I know you have a soul for some fucking reason! Fess up! Who's your daddy?"

"Well, you see, the dragon killed thousands, indirectly through their cold buns"

"In my experience, magic doesn't like metal. It needs to be flesh."

I’m a mod over at !outofcontextdnd@lemmy.world and would love to see some activity! I started it to keep track of some of my own group’s quotes, but the group has been on a two week break for the past four or five months now.

• "there are no werewolves in the god damn park"
• "Fuck you I'm going to the Prince for this"..."ow hey why are you hitting me!?"
• "This has been a weirdly sexual night"
• "The sword of Cain has fallen and it fell where it pleased!"
• "If you do that you're gonna have to drop your alignment to chaotic evil"
• "Turns out i can afford a rocket launcher"

I'm sorry you were born pretty!

Me: So my hands are bound?

DM: Yes.

Me: And I'm under the influence of a "Command"-like spell?

DM: Yes.

Me: And the command is to follow them to the prison?

DM: Yes.

Me: I'd like to try and fall on my face, beard first.

"The troll bouncer is gay. Your attempt to seduce him fails and he puts you in a headlock."

"It's just a rocket launcher inside a small room. How bad can the results be?"

"why are you so blessedly free of snot?"

We used to keep a quote book of these random acts of hilarity... Good times.

"You are now using a piece of shit like a bar of soap while humming a tune." "Dave swings his hammer at you, misses, and hits himself in the face, dying instantly."

This isn't strictly no context, but it blew me away and I wanted to share it anyway.

I started D&D with the family over quarantine. They had a quest to clear the goblins out of a mine. They got inside and dealt with most of them. They over powered three of them and tied them up, so that they could be interrogated.

My 9 year old then decides he wants to murder them.

Our faces when we realised our child was a murderhobo.

Roll 9

DM: Ok you have a 9", ribbed pink Zeltronian cock

In a oneshot of Monster Of The Week:

"Did The Organisation^TM^ supply us with a flamethrower?"

“Yes, I know the door is locked. I open it anyway.”

If all four of us work together we could drag the door.

"it's not a nuke, is just a AOE building remover"

"we need a bigger nuke"

“Would a handjob be a dexterity roll?”

I never said that ring was for your finger

In a Palpatine voice: "Spicy beef"
"Have you ever thought 'I'm kinda hungry, but not hungry enough to eat a whole potato'?"
"I don't like the wanking corner"