I hope everyone had a great week last week. Hopefully this one turns out even better for everyone.
Finally got around to messing with eyeliner and... I cried.
I saw myself in the mirror and I saw myself.
And I laugh-cried out of joy.
It's so wild how something so seemingly small can be so significant.
It's finally starting to feel real.
Happy Monday
Friends have been using my pronouns. My family stopped using any pronouns for me. I'll take that as a win.
I want to take T but also I haven’t come out to anyone yet and I don’t have a plan for how to do it
I already have a weird teen boy moustache without ever taking T so I’m really eager to see how powerful it will become with T
been reading about half of this "basic biology" textbook now and it's mostly shit about what kind of animals are herbivores. when do i get to the part where it says that trans people aren't real? i keep getting told by terfs to read this shit but i can't figure out why
Fun basic biology fact: Took part in a bar quiz on Saturday and one round was "name the parts of the vulva" and i could just rattle off all the medical terms like introitus vaginale because of my pre bottom surgery doctor-patient-talk and the paperwork with my insurance i had to file after that and all the cis women in the team where like "wth you're awesome how does anybody who isn't a doctor know this". Meanwhile another team couldn't find the clit, got super mad about it and started complaining to the organizers.
Meanwhile another team couldn't find the clit,
oh wow, gender envy actually hurts really fucking bad 
Recently watched a video of me from 4+ years ago and realized the closet was made of glass. Everyone in my wife's family and many of her friends had clocked me as a gay man, but that couldn't be because I was in a straight marriage 🤔 Everyone knew I was queer but me lol
This happen to anyone else???
Lots of love
Solidarity with my trans masc Brothers who have to bind their chest at all. I'm still not out to my family, but my boobs are getting pretty noticeable even when I wear a tight sports bra.
Had to use a bra I ordered that was way too small for me and remove the pads to make my boobs as flat as possible. Ouch. I salute you who do it for most of your day.
Just be careful as binding can damage the tissue. Sorry if you’re already aware of this.
Got told today "May Allah cover you" by a complete stranger
Surgery really scares me as much as I want it
The transphobic ppl in my life dont understand that we go into these things fully understanding what its going to be like
Like i know recovery is going to be hard, so why are you making it harder for me instead of supporting me through it
It's certainly exhausting, but recovery is kind of like that thing looming in the distance for so long that one day you realize is suddenly there. Of course there's always the risks of complication, but with a good support structure everything is so much more bearable. There's good progress to make and it's pretty clear to see too. Scary, but very much doable!
I hope the transphobes in your life disappear one day (by whatever circumstance)
goofy bloomer posting, navelgazing
All that blogging I did about body hair last mega feels really incredibly healthy to me. Between that and realising I never identified that closely with the "woman" label, I feel extremely at peace about me rn. I value this feeling of being at peace with my body, I'll never fucking ever take it for granted. I am zen, satisfied. Unbothered. Moisturised. Flourishing. Happy. In my lane. Not focused though 'cause lmao.
One of the problems I had was, I always knew it didn't work like this for everybody else, but in terms of myself transition and gender were so tied up in the medical aspect, because that was the biggest change in my life then, that I couldn't really consider it in more granularity, 'cause my stupid brain would go "if my gender changes, some physical or presentational aspect of me must also change". Plus the fact that I'm indifferent to they/them pronouns confused my tiny mind somewhat.
I also think my sad tiny mind needed the "woman" label back then, kid me sort of clung to it for a sense of validity. It was something I could angrily assert at people if they questioned me. But now I'm a lot more chill, (cohabiting with my wife, long removed from the struggles of obtaining HRT) I've come far enough to decouple all that stuff in my brain, really consider it for myself, interrogate it thoroughly, and it's made me feel a lot better. I don't feel like such a weird, out-of-place non-trans-woman, I am content to just be a vaguely transfeminine lesbian critter and not worry about it. To look at myself and my body and realise how content I am, that it really truly brings me joy being just how I am now.
late night blehposting
Sometimes I feel sad about starting HRT in my 30s. I feel like I'll always regret spending my 20s trying so desperately to live up to everyone's expectations while disregarding my own. Not even fully understanding what I wanted because I wouldn't listen to myself. I wouldn't allow myself the truth. Told myself to just keep going, it didn't matter which direction. Every direction is away from where I was, who I was. Gaslighted myself. Ignored that voice until I couldn't any longer. Drowned her out with drink and drugs until that stopped working too. It came to a point where there was no more distractions and no more escape. Some eggs crack gracefully from within. But eggs that crack under external pressure only fall to pieces. Whether I was ready or not, I had to find myself and put myself back together in a configuration that fit me.
I am glad I ultimately figured it out even if it was not in the graceful way and I'm happy with myself and how far I've come even if it took me awhile. Though I can't help but wonder how things would be now if I had been stronger and braver and ready to cut ties sooner. If I had started HRT in my 20s (or through some miracle, my teens), would I feel better about myself if testosterone had less time to do its damage? Would I feel like less of an outlier and more connected if I was closer to the average age of the wider community when I started? How different would my life be now if only I could've found my way sooner and not worried so much about the opinions of others? Would I be spending less of my time writing all this self-absorbed sadsack shit online an hour after I should be asleep and more time touching grass? (probably not that last one)
being 1 week on HRT is like sitting in the rollercoaster with the chest bar thingy over you and your seatbelt fastened but the ride hasn't actually started yet so you're just sitting them like "yep, big changes soon" while literally nothing perceivable is happening nor can you expect anything to for a while longer either
Give it just a tiny bit more time and the seatbelt will hurt your nipples so badly that it will become your main posting topic.
I've been stuck in a first aid refresher course all day with a bunch of decrepit twats from the local côr meibion who threw a fit about the gender options on the forms that were handed 'round.
I swear to God if I hear one more fucker say,
CW: transphobia
"There's only two genders and if you're somehow confused about what one you are, look in your trousers."
, the class' gonna get a live example of how to treat lacerations.
Death to cishets, etc, etc.
I took my cat to the vet today and on the road some girl with her sister said "sister look! that girl over there is holding her kitty like a baby" then she came to me and started petting him.
my friend is a baker, and is trying to think of funny items to make.
So my question for the community is would you buy high quality biscuit treats for your puppygirl or whatever
::: spoiler TERF island shit
So his majesty's government seized the website for the company I get my hrt from about two weeks ago (well actually it was seized by the MHRA Criminal Enforcement Unit technically). Fuck the British government 
.
I wore a binder today for the first time in a while and god it was so hot and uncomfortable lol. I don't have intense chest dysphoria but I'm going to get top surgery just for the purpose of never having to worry about binding ever again. It's mostly a sensory thing for me.
Tomorrow will make my first week of full time girlmoding. Also I graduated college and just moved to a new city.
I want to say that I'm incredibly happy because I've sort of achieved everything I've been working for over the last couple of years. But honestly this is so fucking stressful. Like I'm very obviously visiblly trans still, and my voice is inconsistent, so I have no idea how people are perceiving me. I think I pass to some older people? Most people have been very nice so far, but maybe too nice sometimes? Like I'm pretty sure when a younger person gives me a random compliment out of nowhere it means I got clocked. Idk the uncertainty is very difficult.
But also its weird being away from friends and family. It's far from the first time I've been isolated, or that I've moved to a new place, but it seems different now. Maybe because I've been way more social than normal over the last few months, and that's over now for the time being. Idk my roommate is cool, but he's the only person I really know well here. Also, it's just hard to go from being so busy for the last few months to absolutely nothing.
Also I have have to start my new job while out as trans. Which is terrifying. Like idk I'll feel ok probably once I've gotten started, and my name and stuff is all correct, and I have a general feel for how I will be treated. But the next month or two is going to be rough.
cw: facial hair dysphoria
my hatred for shaving and my hatred for hair on my face are in a constant tug-of-war. I've been trying to be okay with having a stubble beard sometimes, but I hate that it gets me automatically read as a man.
learning to accept the masculine physical traits that I have and cannot change is difficult in general, but facial hair is extra hard because I can sorta change it... if I spend hours every week sliding a razor across my face and don't mind constant skin irritation on my face and neck.
Aaaaaaa my patch just fell off after my shower and won't stick back on :(
Gonna take one of my last couple pills to compensate for tonight and tomorrow, but does anyone know a decent and cheap tape or something that I can use to keep it stuck better during showers?
i want Mexican food
Since I no longer need to adjust dangly bits when sitting to pee these days, my cats took notice and are now jumping on my lap within five seconds of me sitting down. It’s horribly inconvenient and I would hate it if they weren’t the cutest jerks on the planet.
it's weird when good things happen partially because of who i am. it's hard to reconcile that with my (admittedly warped) ideas of what being queer means
Bought HRT for someone I know irl and while it makes me feel shallow I really feel meaningful helping other trans people. Life good.
Another conversation with my mother repeating every GC talking point and saying I'll always be a man.
Almost used to it at this point
You'll always be a woman 
today i have sent out one (1) response to a craiglist posting for roommates where i said i was a trans woman looking for housing. progress has been made today :)
Im finaling my finals so hard they are final'd
my finals just said assad must go
When my tiddies first started, the right one grew wayy faster than the left. It made me a little nervous, that maybe I wouldn't love all the changes that were coming. But I gave it time and focussed on the things that did make happy. The boobies kept growing, and sure enough, even though they're still mildly asymmetric, theyre both lovely little jubblies that make looking in the mirror now so much better 
hope everyone is having a good week 
my weekly allowance of
I HATE HAVING A VAGINA 
I played Outer Wilds recently and kept thinking "if only I was in a time loop..." A 15 month time loop would be intense, but I'd go through a loop even longer to undo this
Taking being a catgirl to the next step by having to climb over my house to get in because I forgot my keys
dysmorphia
Gaslighting myself every time I look in a mirror. My bf thinks I'm pretty but god damn does it suck to not be able to trust your own lying eyes.
!!!
Real as fuck, but unironically other people's eyes are more trustworthy than your own, which is kinda shitty. You're your own worst critic...
time for E shot #2 tonight :))))))
THE WOKE MOB IS MAKING SHOOTING WOKE 
So like idk if I'm gonna come out with work soon but one of my immediate concerns is - what am I gonna fucking wear?
I do have some sweaters I look cute in but a lot of my clothes are basically showing too much skin for work. Nothing crazy, but they're crops and tank tops and stuff and usually I just accessorize them. I feel like if I wear too many clothes, I just look like a guy and obviously that's no good.
Does anyone have any advice? The environment is professional but I can wear casual clothes - that's what I'm doing right now.
My voice also isn't trained at all so there's that too.
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